My Abortion And Post/abortion Story.

This is my first outlet 4 months on- ill right my story from start to finish it will hopefully help me release my feelings & make me feel better afterwards, if only for a little while.

I found out on the 29 of January that i was pregnant via a home pregnancy test. I took it while i was at my boyfriends house, but he had no idea. I had been feeling not quite right for a couple of months, i couldnt stand to be in a car- especially in the passengers seat, i would just sweat and shake. I was also often dizzy, and the thought of certain foods made me sick such as sushi (which i had every day prior). Things didnt really add up to me until my boyfriends mum went to a psychic on the Wednesday prior to me finding out. The psychic told her that i would be making her a grandma in a couple of months! -my boyfriend told me on the Friday, laughing about it (he isnt a big believe in spirtuality etc) - It got me thinking that wow, maybe thats why ive been feeling off- so it took me till the Sunday to test, and to the psychics thoughts-she was right. I didnt tell him that night and woke up every couple of hours to check the test again - it was like as if i thought i kept reading it wrong or maybe it would change..idiotic, i know!

I was going to Bali for 2 weeks on that up coming Wednesday with my sister and a couple of my girl friends- talk about terrible timing. I didnt tell my boyfriend till the Monday night. I went to the doctors Monday morning & had a blood test to confirm, & we talked about options.I then went to work on the Monday, but ended up going home about lunch time as it was too much for me to handle-too many thoughts & things going on. I went home & was suppose to plan what i intended to say to my bf when he came over that night, but i fall asleep and didnt wake up until he came over. It was the weirdest thing, he knew something was up but i was so nervous and anxious i couldnt get out my words & i started laughing...then crying...then laughing again.i just blurted it out and he didnt know how to take it...he didnt say anything, his face was pale white, and his head in his hands. I literally had to throw him the test so he knew it was serious. We both sat there, and briefly spoke. He asked me `what do u want to do?` and i said- i cant have it, im at uni, we dont have a house & have only been together 7 or so months. He agreed. -With that being said, they were my initial thoughts, but when i spoke them, i wasnt sure i believed what i was saying.

Together, we went to the doctors on the Tuesday and talked more about abortion with my doctor. My bf told me he needed to know everything i did, and this was much apart of his life as it was mine. I told my doctor how i was going to Bali- & we discussed whether or not i should go or not, but my doctor and my bf encourage it- the wait to get into the clinic i wanted was going to be about 1.5 weeks, i was 8.5 weeks pregnant, and would be 10.5 when i had the procedure. They said it would be a good distraction as oppose to sitting around and waiting around here.
-I went, & i never touched a sip of alcohol or ate food i shouldnt. It was like my body was telling me to keep this baby. My friends would go out to the bars and clubs, and sometimes i went, but i hardly lasted longer then a couple of hours, & i would be back in bed by midnight. The funny thing was, i never felt alone, not once. I spent so much time alone, but i never felt alone. I found myself just looking to the sky, or to my stomach just thinking about what if....what if we kept him. I know it was a boy- or at least i think it was a boy.
While i was in Bali, i went and visited the man from `Eat Pray Love` (the movie with Julia Roberts) he was 100 years old, and did a reading on me. He rubbed my non-existent belly and told me - little boy. I cried. I went back to our resort and facebook messaged my boyfriend and told him - i dont know if we have made the right decision. I need you to clarify that this is the right thing. I didnt write anything much, purely to gage his reaction. He wrote back and told me we needed to do this, he believed our relationship is not stable enough to bring a baby into this world & that a huge life changing thing like that could effect our relationship. He subtly made me feel as though if i kept this baby, i would be alone.-It was not his intention to make me feel that way, and he had told me he would have stuck by me regardless, but his family are cathloic-& alot of them would disown him if they new he got me pregnant outside of marriage.
I felt like i had to carry that burdon aswell, if we started our family-in effect he would lose some of his already established one.
I came home 2 weeks later, and our appointment was for the day after at 7am. My bf picked me up from the airport that night, and we went back to my house and just cuddled and spoke about my holiday-but nothing about what we would endure the next day.
That was probably my biggest regret- i didnt tell him how i felt, scared of his reaction, i cowardly said nothing. Thinking the next day would never come.
It came.
We went for the hour drive, and he held my hand the whole time he was driving & kept trying to keep my mind off it- saying it will all be okay. We pulled up in the driveway & i told him- i dont think i can get out of the car. He told me we are here, we may aswell go sit inside. I agreed we went in, and i was the first one there in this big waiting room. I had to fill out a form, but i could hardly manage to put two words my boyfriend filled the rest of it out for me. i was watching the women come in, the girl who came in after me went to the reception desk to sign in & the reception lady asked `did u bring your medicare card` and the girl goes- oh nah, i was in such a rush i forgot everything, but ive been here before, u should have my details. - I felt physically sick. So carefree & not bothered about having an abortion, yet this was such an ordeal for me. I started to feel like i was the minority. There were countless women coming in, some bringing their girlfriends, giggling and talking about their weekends. I was gobsmacked. This mixed with the TV on, and baby adds such as diapers and nappy rash right in my face i said to my boyfriend. I dont think i can stay here, i want to go home...he just help my hand and said nothing. Seconds later the nurse came in & took me through, my bf came.

She spoke to me about the procedure and did an ultrasound. the screen was turned away so i couldnt see anything, & my bf turned his back, but i seen him look over a few times. I had to stop myself from asking him what he saw.
I got given two tablets, that i had to put in my mouth and let disolve and they would open up my cervix. I started to cry when she gave them to me, and my bf and the nurse told me-i could do it....So i did. we had to wait 40 minutes to allow it to work, and i only spot maybe a couple of drops. We went outside and sat n the cold but fresh cold as it was, it was marginaly better outside then inside with some of those women and medical professionals.

The 40 minutes were up & i was called back inside...My bf had to wait behind and it was the first time i had to walk somewhere by myself, the tears started flowing again. I had a male doctor greet me in the room & open up my file to ask me a few more questions. When he opened up the folder- there were my ultrasound photos, staring right at me. I could make out so much- head, legs, little toes =( it wasnt a bunch of cells i imagined it too be. I couldnt speak, i could only shake, and i started having a light sweat. The next thing know, i was on a chair/bed with a needle in my arm, thinking- this is it. what have i done.

I woke up in another room (apparently we walked there)- but i have next to no memory of that. i got given 2 antibiotic tablets, i sat there for 15 minutes, and then i was right to leave. We drove home in silence.
I got home and immediatly started having questions-things that i didnt even think about prior. like- What really happens? -where do they put it? -do they just empty out me and put the remains in a bin? - i was distraught thinking about this. So i got my laptop out straight away. I watched a documentary on abortion and its procedure- it was so brutally disturbing i was confident anyone who watched that prior to contemplating abortion would never be able to go through with it. I was sick to my stomach. How could i do this. What have i done? that was my baby. How could i be so selfish- more concerned with being at uni & what my boyfriend thought. When i really should have thought, who cares about Uni-i can always finish later. & really-who cares about my bf? ( i say that harshly-but what i really mean is- who am i to place my bfs feelings above mine, when i am carrying our baby, my blood. How could i choose between my relationship with my boyfriend & my relationship between a mother and her child? -how could the former outweigh the latter- It dosnt, but in that split moment it did. Then i thought, my bf never asked me to choose- that was my interpretation. Being so scared to death about the whole ordeal i couldnt get my thoughts or feelings out. I made a decision- a huge, life changing one, based on assumption. -Assumption?!

For days, i couldnt stop crying, partially due to my decision and then partially due to the pain my body was going through. I thought at first it was normal, but then after 5 days i new it wasnt. My mum rushed me to the ER on the fifth night, they took one look at me and new something was up, my blood pressure was alarmingly high i was admitted for stay immediatly. I had a gyno check me out, and my symptoms and it was found i had an infection-remaining products. As if this wasnt bad enough, i then had to go through this. I stupidly started googling on my iphone infection and words the doctors had used. I got in an absolute panic, thinking i would never be able to have kids again. I had an ultrasound and that confirmed the remaining products, I had to be dosed up on antiotics injected through a drip for the follwing day, and pain killers. I needed to fast to have the operation. I was so nervous for the operation, i was dressed and wheeled into the operating room, i was told last minute that they had to tell me this purely for legal reasons- `due to the thinning of my uterus, any medical tools they used in the rare chance could pierce through my uterus into my bowel and stomach`- i started crying so hard and all i could say was, i want my baby back. i had to have an oxygen mask on because i started was a big white room, with lots of lights and lots of doctors and nurses. I was lifted from one bed to the bench & the next thing i was under.

I woke up, hyperventilating with an oxygen mask again, tears flowing, the nurse told me everything went perfect & i am fine, i remember asking her for a hug, and she hugged me, while i dozed back off.

Following the second procedure, i had to have a check up two weeks later, but some of my responses to questions werent expected & i was still partially spotting. I was booked in for another ultrasound & put on more antibiotics. I had the ultrasound a week later & it turned out fine- i asked the technician so many questions. At the time i was actually ovulating, and the tech showed me, she said thats really good, alot of women dont even get to this stage. I had a follow up a week after that to talk to a doctor who analysed the results and she said she is confident i dont have any long term damage & that i will be able to have kids again.

So what orginally i thought would be a one day procedure-dragged out for about 2 months. Easily the worst time of my life, and if i new what i would have to ordeal, there is no way i would have gone through with it. I still have my sad days, and every so often i think about how many weeks i would be now, or perhaps how big my belly would be.

I talk with my bf about it, and he is really good. He feels like i blame him- & to a degree i somewhat do, but i no it was my decision, had i felt confident in my abilities & if i had the strength i would have stood up and had my baby. I guess i felt i was too dependant on my bf-being at uni, i didnt have anymore then parttime income & he had told me he couldnt support 3 people. We would have struggled, but im sure we would have managed. Another big deciding point for me was, being pregnant is suppose to be a happy time-& it wasnt. I had all these expectations on when i was to have a family, how it would be and how i would tell people.

Soon after, i had a psychic reading-my very first one. She started tearing up as soon as i walked into her room (She does not no me, never has known me and new nothing but my frist name when i made the appointment). She just said-i can tell this will be an emotional reading. To keep it short, she told me the higher beings are telling me not to feel guilty. My decision carrys no annimosity or judgement, & i did what was right for me at that time. She too said, it was a little boy & that he will come again in time. She told me my ancestors are keeping his little soul safe & for me not to worry. I couldnt stop crying ( i sound like an emotional, crying wreck over this whole story-sorry!) I never told her i had an abortion-she originally thought i had a miscarriage, then clued on it was an abortion when the message she was told to give me was to not feel guilty. I came out of there feeling the best i had this whole time. She told me i would go on to have children, she thinks a girl, followed by a little boy. She told me i would see a fertility clinic (which i had said just a few days earlier ill be going to one regardless, purely just for tests to see if im okay) -but she said it wouldnt be because i couldnt have kids, but due to self doubt.

All in all, i didnt want to have a baby at this age (im 22)..but i didnt want an abortion either. I guess that what it comes down to for a lot of women, we dont want a baby right now, but we dont want an abortion- what do we choose?

It has been tough, i do regret my decision, but i no it has made me a stronger person. I always think about what being a mum will be like, and i cant wait to experience it. I now no, i will be a mum sooner rather then later, & i cant wait to experience it, its all i think about, and it gets me through. I now no, i will make the best mum, purely on my drive to be the best- & i owe that to my unborn child. I now look at my future alot more to better my life and my future childrens lives. I want to be independant, and cant wait to finish uni (the end of the year) to start my life.

My relationship with my bf has to a degree suffered- only because he has to deal with my ups and downs & he dosnt no what to do. I do think i have a bit of anger towards him, & he knows that. I think we will get through this- & if we do, it will make us a better and stronger couple. We have talked about our future, and openly about kids, and it makes me feel better.

I hope who ever read this, got something from it. Like i said, it was my first release, and a chance to tell my story. I hope my experience has helped me help someone else. Thanks for listening.
ashy22 ashy22
4 Responses May 21, 2012

I had an abortion five days ago. You are so lucky your boyfriend was supportive. I didn't have a boyfriend but the father did come. This was like reading my life this week because the first night I went to the ER because of bleeding and pain. Right after the procedure I asked him not to leave me,i couldn't be alone. he dropped me off at my house and said he didn't want to come inside and that was it. Then he said I have nothing to cry about, its all over now. I can't get out of bed and two days ago i started leaking breast milk. I felt like my heart breaking in two when i saw that. I don't know what to do or who to talk to. i quit my job the day i found out i was pregnant and i don't have any close friends. basically i am just a big mess. all i want is him to comfort me. he said we were in this together and all that but as soon as the actual surgery was done he told me to just move on with my life. I'm hurting so much

Wow.....I'm 32 and aborted my twins 4.5weeks ago. Reading what you wrote was like reading my own thoughts.,.... It's horrible and comforting

Thanks so much. I am really glad you can relate & that there are others out there like me. Im sure it does get easier with time, but i wish it was something i could forget. The thought of carrying this pain for the remainder of my life is a very traumatic concept for me. Hopefully when i learn to forgive myself, i can freely put this experience behind me & grow to be a better person and potential mother. x

You don't need to be a better person. You have done nothing wrong. It wasn't right for you and you did what was best for you and the unborn child. I don't believe in god but I do believe that your child will know this and know why you did this. Please don't spend years upsetting your self as I have done this and it doesn't help anyone. You did what you had to so please enjoy your life and look to the future. Life is to short to spend your time punishing yourself or thinking what if. In the last four years I've realised it's important not to push people away and that you do deserve happiness. Feeling guilty or upset won't change what's happened. You are a good person in an unfortunate situation. X

You are very brave. I've never related to someone else's experience as much as I do yours. Not what happened as such but the way you felt. I too was in the waiting room full of guilt and emotion and other girls were in there without a care in the world. I do think that it just wasn't the right time and one day you will be a very good mum and this will only make you stronger. The hardest thing is to forgive yourself and as soon as you do it gets easier. I'm four years on and it does get easier with time. If you ever need to talk just message me x