Phiscally And Emotionally Painful..

As I walked into the clinic all I do was think of how I felt like a murder, but in the end I know that this is the best for my poor little baby. I walked to the back where they prefromed the abortion, all I could think was how cold these peoples hearts must be, to be able to rip a child from their mothers womb. I cried thru the whole thing, it was such a painful experience not only in a physical way but also in an emotional way. I always thought that when my baby would exit my body the first thing that I would hear would be a cry, I cant stand the pain. I am still in pain, the pain of losing yet another child is more than I can take. All I do is cry, I am keep my earphones in my ears, I am blocking out all the thoughts of the cruel act that happened to me and my child. I hate this, my heart is broken with no hope of being whole again.

I never thought that I would have to have an abortion, I never thought that I could go thru it, but I am trying to look at it as I was being a mother and protected my baby from a life that it wouldnt be able to enjoy. Even though I look at it like that it doesnt make me right to do it.

I feel like I walk alone in this world, that no one could understand my pain anymore. I have so much of it that at this point all I want to do is feel numb, I dont want to be able to feel anymore. I just want to run back to what has always been there for me, drugs. I am trying to keep myself from doing so, I just have to keep clean and I know this but my heart just wants to give up. I just dont feel like I can continue on with this life.
imperfectbeauty imperfectbeauty
18-21, F
3 Responses May 21, 2012

I had an abortion on the 18th of October 2010, how I remember this my first son was 3yrs 4months on that day. but I can tell you to date I leave to regret every single day. but I pray every day tha God take away my pain & forgive me for what I did. but we mus always remember that we are not bad people & God will always love us. one day we shall meet with our kids in heaven. take care. much luv from me.

i'm only sixteen and i had an abortion about a month back now, i read these storys on here because its nice to know im not alone. i feel the same way as you, like noone knows my pain of what ive been though & that turning to drugs makes the pain numb itself for a few hours, but ive come to realize it doesnt really help much. i know what you feel like, how it was the best decicion for the baby, that it would have lived a very unhappy life, but i too feel like a murderer, everytime i smile or feel anything close to happiness its still in the back of my head screaming at me that i ripped a baby out of my body and now that baby is up in heaven watching a life that they never got to live. anyways, just wanted to let you know your not alone.

Why do you feel that your decision is the best for the baby? Not probing but if we know more than we may be able to advise better. <br />
Do you have anyone that you can share with? Often we think we walk alone but the truth is that someone do care - family or friends. And if really none, am sure you can reach out to your local church or counselling service for help. You can email me too if u need to talk. <br />
Lastly, drugs is never the solution. It is the problem. Take care.

It was the best for my child, because it would of been disabled or mentally retarded, and could of never enjoyed life. To me and I dont care if someone thinks I am wrong.. if I would of came out disabled/mentally retarded I would of wanted to be aborted if my mother knew that before birth.

I see. Then I can understand why u made the choice, cuz honestly I will most likely done the same too. I know how it feels, knowing deep down that u made the right choice but yet feeling horrid about it ...
Like what a2fun1 posted, the most important thing for u to do now is to stay clean and hence avoid being in the same situation again. And do keep on posting and reading the posts here. Am sure the community will assure you that you are not alone.