A Year Ago And I Can't Move On.

I know when it first happened I was so relieved that I was back to "normal" ... but it was all a hoax.
I blinded myself to make believe  that I was okay ... but that was just so my parents didn't realize what I had done. Deep inside I was hurt and empty. Life has been torn from me in a matter of minutes. And I am left with the permanent scar of memory, regret, shame and sorrow. The experience itself is traumatizing in a way that is so surreal. This metal monster humming, groaning at the corner of the room; tugging and pulling as you're frozen and afraid on your back.

My first pap smear in March of this year was when I realized just how deeply I'd been affected. I had to reschedule  twice because being in that doctor's office kept me in the wrong frame of mind. I had never been scared of a doctor or dentist. But being in these sterile offices with people looming over you, with you lay at their mercy does not sit right with me anymore.

When I finally pushed myself to have the pap smear I teared up in a matter of seconds. I will never let myself be in such a vulnerable state again.

Being adopted I know the benefits that can come from adoption. I know I am in a better place than I would have been and I know I have been exposed to so many more opportunities in life. I know that adoption would have been infinitely better than abortion. I wish I had taken that route because now I just regret what I have done and I can't look back on it as a benefit to my life. It has left me empty and ashamed.

Cherish the life inside you, nurture and love it and if you cannot, there are many families out there who can. Don't put yourself in such a miserable situation. Be strong enough to support your unborn child and let live to it's full potential.
livenrye livenrye
22-25, F
May 25, 2012