The Feeling of Pressure

My boyfriend and I had been dating about a year and a half when I found out I was pregnant. We had originally both wanted to wait until we were married to have sex, but things happened and we didn't. About 11 months after having sex on and off (we struggled knowing we were disappointing God,so we tried to stop having sex. This usually lasted about a month and then we'd go for three weeks where we didn't care... but who doesn't have struggles? That just happens to be our big one.) Anyway, we decided the best thing to do would be to tell our parents. We were both 19, and in college. Our parents responded well and said it was up to us and they would support anything we did fully. Emotionally, physically and financially. I was really excited because even though I was terrified of having a baby that young, we had so much support. I am pro choice but personally I was against abortions. My boyfriend wanted me to have one, but said if I didn't want one he would be there forever with me to raise the baby. I know we're getting married. We've known each other forever and we're just waiting until we're in stable careers to go the next step. I found out I was pregnant when I was 6 weeks.

Fast forward a little. My dad sent me a letter in the mail telling me he would be excited to be a grandpa, but he didn't want to be one yet. He said I'm throwing my life away and I would never finish college and he thought keeping the baby was a bad idea. I was devastated because I thought he was truly supportive of what I wanted, which was to keep it. We didn't tell any of our friends, we wanted this to be a secret until we knew for sure what we were going to do. In fact, all my friends still think I'm a virgin.

About a week after this, I thought I had a miscarriage. I was having heavy bleeding and so I called my mom and his mom and they told me to just go to the doctor in the morning. August 22. I went and they told me I didn't have a miscarriage. The baby was fine. They did a sonogram and the baby was perfect. I saw it's little heart beat and I saw his tiny feet. I wanted to die, because the next day I was scheduled for an abortion. My mom and boyfriend came with me to the abortion clinic. I sat staring at the papers for 20 minutes debating on signing them. I finally did, realizing if I didn't I would let everyone down. I hate when I can't make people happy. I finally signed them (all the while biting a hole in my lip to keep from crying) and went through with it. I was 8 weeks pregnant. It didn't hurt physically at all, but the emotional pain is far worse than anything I've ever felt.

I know I could have raised that baby well. I'm great with kids. I know my boyfriend would have made a great father. I know that we would have been the typical suburban, middle class family. I know I could have provided. I didn't drink or smoke so I didn't have an excuse. I was trying to please other people. I was trying not to give away my secret that I wasn't as Godly as I seemed.

The emotional pain has still not subsided. I think about my baby every single day. It hurts watching moms with babies in the grocery store. It hurts walking past baby clothes. It hurts watching a diaper commercial on tv. I cry all the time and my boyfriend tries to console me, but he doesn't understand the pain. He doesn't know what it felt like to feel and know something was in me growing. I try not to cry aroundhim anymore because he just gets sad then too. My baby would have been born April 4th. I just feel so guilty...
thisisme thisisme
18-21, F
16 Responses Apr 14, 2007

I had an abortion a few weeks ago. I was five weeks when I terminated. <br />
Prior to conception, my boyfriend (28) and I (27) had spoken repeatedly about how we would want to handle a pregnancy. He was adamant that he would want to keep the baby, that he intended to marry me anyway (we had just moved in together) and that he was excited at the prospect of being a father. We had unprotected sex every single time after that. I was nervous but also happy that I had found the man I wanted to raise a family with and spend my life with. <br />
When we found out I was, in fact, pregnant, his tune changed literally overnight. He said I would ruin his life. That he wasn't ready to be a father. That his financial situation was not quite as secure as he had previously indicated it was. That an abortion was our only option. And it needed to happen quickly. Initially, I resisted. Argued with him and pleaded with him. We yelled, really yelled and screamed at one another, for the very first time- ever. After 48hrs or so of shouting and crying and still getting no where, I gave up. <br />
I found out I was pregnant on a Wednesday night and the following Saturday afternoon we were sitting in the waiting room of a local OBGYN. I cried hysterically all the way there and throughout the doctors appointment. I knew I didn't want to have the abortion. That I had already fallen in love with the little thing growing in me. But I couldn't force this man, whom I also love, to be a father against his will. I couldn't do anything to hurt him or "ruin his life". So I went thru with it.<br />
I knew that it would be difficult for me to "let it go" but I wasn't prepared for the total, earth-shaking emotional and psychological fall-out that has followed my termination.<br />
Everything I had thought or believed about him and the quality of our relationship changed that day. I know longer trust him, or respect him, as I once did. Being affectionate is difficult. I feel resentful of him and find myself silently balking at the prospect of someday being his wife. <br />
I have never been more guilt-ridden or ashamed of myself in all my life. I wanted that baby. I had thought about it. Planned for it. And then I sacrificed it in the hopes of somehow preserving a relationship that I am no longer sure I even want. He and I are still living together. He has expressed remorse, cried and apologized, begged me not to go. But I feel broken. I cry a lot. I'm not sure what to do. I didn't wake up from the anesthesia no longer in love with him. But I am living in a state of shock. I'm angry and I feel betrayed. He and I went to a counselor together but the purpose of the therapy was to "establish a means of moving past this traumatic event and getting the relationship back on track". <br />
WTF?!?!? What about my BABY?!?! What about telling me how I am supposed to look at myself in a mirror?! <br />
I don't want to leave him. But I'm lost. Someone tell me I'm not nuts, please?

I was almost ten weeks when I got an abortion. I didn't want to be pregnant but I certainly didn't want an abortion. My boyfriend already had an abortion before so it didn't seem like a big deal to him. He wanted me to get the abortion and I never wanted to. I eventually went through with it because I felt like I was pressured and alone. None of my family wanted to help and my boyfriend was cold about the whole thing so I felt like I had no choice. The first clinic I went to, I saw a bloody jar exposed and cried and left. My mother insisted that I try another clinic the next week and I did. My boyfriend would barely speak to me and I basically begged him to let me keep it. I'm already a single mother and I just wanted to feel like he cared a little. I hate myself everyday when I look in the mirror and everyday that goes by I think about how old my baby would be. I see pregnant ladies or newborns and I want to die. I have had such a horrible depression and thoughts of suicide and the only thing that makes me alright is my daughter. She is three and she needs me, I love her so much and I can't let her down.. But I feel like I murdered my baby (which already had a heartbeat) and I really hate myself. I stayed with my boyfriend and I love him but sometimes I hate him too. He can never be what I need, he doesn't want to be the guy I want but I'm too messed up to let him go. Part of me keeps hoping I will wake up and be okay with everything again. I know I'm not the only one but I feel alone anyway. I need help I think but I don't know if a therapist can really do anything. I'm just so sad, it's been 9 months since my abortion and I keep wishing I could go back in time. I'm so sorry to anyone that reads this.

I know how you feel. My baby would be 16 this year. I think about "him" all the time. I have two gorgeous little girls now, but feel like someone is missing. I get sad in April because that was when I was due. I get sad in October, because that was when I ended it. I get sad all the time because I miss that baby....I feel your pain and I am truly sorry for anyone that has to face the decisions we've faced and had to make a choice that stays with you for the rest of your life. I'm not saying it was the wrong choice, but a hard one that hurts like no one could possible imagine.

i'm going through the same thing right now. i'm almost two weeks pregnant, and my boyfriend wants me to get an abortion, although he'd support me either way. my family is very supportive though. something about this pregnancy doesn't feel right, i'm not ready. we're both not ready. but i feel like i'm getting pressured into having an abortion.

I just want you to know that YOU CAN GET PREGNANT AGAIN!!! It will happen. That was not the only child you could conceive. <br />
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I agree with reject64, if you do get pregnant again keep the baby and be proud of it. The decision you made was extremely difficult, especially after seeing your baby but you made the right choice.

If people are being let down if you don't do what they want, that's their problem. They don't have to suffer consequences.<br />
You don't have to live to pleas others Just yourself. When you only please others, you lose contact of who you are and what's best for you. It's YOUR life and you have to live it according to what feels right for you. <br />
If you get pregnant again, have it! To heck what others think! You can't control that. If they can't accept you for who you are and what makes you feel good, you don't need them. They certainly won't live the way you'd like them to. Don't do it for them. Others who support you regardless of what they would do in same situation are those who care.

I fell pregnant when unmarried at 22. I thought I was ready and I was really excited. Unfortunately being a mother is no bed of roses it is the hardest thing I have ever done, and my life has not been easy. I was still with the father but 6 wks after baby was born I had a breakdown and so began my battle with anxiety and depression. Life as a mother for me has been hell, though there has been a few good days I realise now that I was not ready emotionally to have a baby. It has been a very lonely road. When my baby was 6 months old although I was using contraception and rarely had sex I fell pregnant again. After actually having a baby I relised why people have abortions. It is a massive responsibility and it turns your life upside down. Just surviving everyday in my living hell was too much and I had a termination. I then had another one a few months later when I fell pregnant again. It seemed my partner only had to look at me.

I know someone named Kate and she also gets sad around her aborted baby's birthdate. For years she didn't know why. There are others like you and they started a website and they volunteer to help women like you. The link is I hope this helps.

You sound ambivalent. If so, it's best you keep baby. Sure, it'll be difficult in the beginning. But the rewards will outnumber any difficulties. The guilt and remorse you'll suffer from an abortion is something that might haunt you for years. I have had to listen many times to women who've aborted. There are hardly any who did not regret it. If they were pressured or intimidated into it, the guilt and remorse was terrible. You don't want that. If you decide to have it adopted, these days open adoptions are common. That way you can keep in contact with child even if not parenting it.<br />
Abortion isn't as safe as you might think. Many times after trying and failing to get pregnant again, women find out it was because of post-abortion complications that went unnoticed.How would you cope with that? <br />
If you're being pressured or intimidated into aborting, chances are you'll suffer even more if you do it. That should be your decision only. If you feel strongly<br />
about not aborting or ambivalent, go to Birthright or Right to Life. They will send you to counselors and get you other help to see you through pregnancy. <br />
Good luck and let me know how everything goes!

I was lucky my boyfriend was very calm. I was 20 and he is 24. He wanted me to have the baby. I wanted to abort for my selfish reasons.<br />
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Like all guys he was shock at first. But he keep touch with me until we met. We debate for a while and decided to respect my decision.<br />
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We are not ready and unmarried. And my surrounding doh have people to help to support the child. So I selfishly wanted to abort it. <br />
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My child was a week old when we discover it. I am still deciding whether a not but I was afraid of my parents reaction.<br />
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His friend also encourage us to keep the baby.<br />
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I am only 20, can anyone advise me?

I'm having a similar problem. I am currently 2 and 1/2 months pregnant. I am 24 years old and already have a 3 year old son with a different man. My boyfriend really wants me to keep it, but I feel very pressured and not at all ready to be a mother of two with two different men. My boyfriend thinks I'm being selfish. Would you mind telling me what your ultimate decision was and how it affected you? I'm feeling very lost and confused...

it honestly felt as if you were telling my story. I was 10 weeks and 1 day. i saw my baby when they did the sonogram. My boyfriend left me shortly after. Not a single day goes by without a thought to my baby.<br />
Thank you for sharing

The only advice I can give you is name your baby, pray to your baby, your child is your greatest strength..Your angel.. For now carry on, be the best you can and educate those that may be faced with the same decision as you... Praying for you, I know your emotional pain....If we can change just one mind at a time...

I too have had an abortion and I know exactly the guilt you are feeling my abortion was 1 1/2 years ago and it hasn't gotten any easier. For me just talking about it here makes me feel better. You are not alone and thanks to stories like yours I no longer feel alone!

thats my emotions thats how i feel. i mean i know i made the right decision but i know that i wasn't ready. and i tha reason i moved so quickly for the abortion was because i was afriad to let everyone down. sometimes do you feel like you wanna tell tha world. funny enough you wrote that comment on my birthday...i've been readin it everyday. especially when i know i can't tell a soul. thank you so much.

wow, thanks for sharing your story. i emphasise with you truly in that we know we would make good mothers. have faith in God for He will provide for you, He sees your strengths and will use them to help in His cause when He sees fit. take care and take courage from what you went through-it has no doubt made you stronger. xx

My father did a similar thing. The surgeon suggested after my first failed appointment that we all right a list of pro's and con's, first on his list was that he would be a grandpa again (my brother has two young girls). It's hard when you don't know if you have made the right choice or not, and it's harder when it seems that no-one understands how you just have to find a way to come to terms with it all...and that's the hard part, but good luck...