The Right Choice
This is my story, its alittle long but this was the most difficult decision of my life! I struggled with the decision to abort or not abort for 5 weeks and although I miss my baby dearly, I know I made the right decision for the situation I'm in. I hope that this helps someone in a similar situation. Thank you for the oppertunity to tell my story.
Everything was so perfect in my relationship with my boyfriend. I thought I had finally found the best man ever, he had a son, he accepted my 2 kids, and we were so perfect for eachother. Then disaster struck...I missed my period.
I found out for sure that I was pregnant with my 3rd baby on Halloween. I wanted to tell my boyfriend in a very gentle way because i knew he would flip out over the news. The telling didnt go to planned and i ended up giving him the paper from planned parenthood and running from the room in tears. He was not at all receptive of the news of being pregnant again (we'd been together at this point for 3 months and already had one pregnancy that ended in a miscarriage.) and he packed all his things that were at my house and I drove him home later that night.
We began to fight all the time and he became very distant from me in the weeks that followed. I am not a good talker to begin with and every time I would try to talk to him about the baby and what we should do he would flip out on me and begin telling me about how this baby would ruin his life and he did not want it. It seemed like he was only concerned with himself and his feelings. He almost never said anything about how this would affect us or me, only him.
About one week after finding out I was pregnant I gave him a letter about all my thoughts and feelings about the baby and the pros and cons of keeping it and having the abortion. I said that I would have the abortion up to 10 weeks and I guessed that we would have until just after thanksgiving if we decided that would be best.
Well, I began to bleed a week and a half before thanksgiving. I called the doctors office and said that i was pregnant and I was having mild cramping and mild bleeding. They had me come in to the office and did an exam later that day and everythign was normal for what was thought to be a 6-7 week pregnancy. She scheduled me for an ultrasound and that was 110% normal too. We discovered at that time that the pregnancy was already at 9 weeks and 6 days!!! I cried right in the ultrasound room. I was going to be a mom again if i didnt miscarry and it wasnt looking like that would happen. I kept bleeding for another week, I was inthe doctors office everyother day for blood work to test my hormone levels and I had a second ultrasound that determined i was 10 weeks and 4 days. Everything with the baby was fine, no miscarriage. I told him that I was too far along, over 10 weeks, and I would not kill my baby. He was going to be a daddy again wether he liked it or not.
This really upset him and we didnt talk for a few days, and when we did we fought. I was blamed for destroying his life and forcing him to be a dad for the second time. He said that I was on my own because he has no time anymore because he has to work like 24/7 now to survive. He bacame very unreasonable and said some horriable things to me. All I did was cry every time I was near him because I still loved him so dearly...he was supposed to be perfect for me.
As the days went on I began to really analize what having another baby would do to my already struggling family of 3. We live in an apartment in my parents basement. I just went back to school at night 6 weeks ago. I am struggling to find a job that will allow me to take care of the two kids i already have. Daycare is soooo expensive, very few jobs offer it at a discount rate. I fight with my parents all the time over dicipline and how to raise my kids because its 'their house.' I thought that the decision to keep the baby would put my mind at ease but it made it churn more and more. All I began to think about was how the hell could I take care of another baby when i can bearly take care of the 2 that i already have.
I changed my mind and told my boyfriend that I was going to have the abortion, simply for lack of finances. His only responsibility was to get the money to do it and if we didnt do it by the end of the week the price was going up no matter where we went. I made the appointment. I cried while i scheduled and took down the instructions. He didn't have the money so i cancelled it the morning of the appointment. He wanted me to reschedule for the weekend but the weekend would be more money so i scheluled another appointment for the next morning and told him to get his butt to the bank and cash the paycheck. He didn't and i had to cancel again. He flipped out again and told me to simply reschedule again. I didnt give him an answer and i didnt talk to him again for 2 days. I was going to keep it, I was already at 12 weeks, its too late for me and too expensive to do by the time the weekend came.
I decided that I couldnt keep this from my mom anymore and I showed her the 2 ultrasound pictures and told her I was pregnant. She said that she thought so and asked me what I was going to do, keep it or not. That was a shock because my mom has voiced her opinion of abortion before and she didnt agree with it, or so I thought. I didn't know how to respond to her comment and she continued with, "I did that once ya know...When I was pregnant with my 3rd baby i was taking meds that could cause birth defects and your father did not want any more kids." My jaw was on the floor. "I didn't miscarry that baby, I had an abortion. It was the best decision at the time and if you decide to have an abortion I will support you, I think it's whats best for you to do in the situation your in." That was not what i expected her to say, I expexted her to FLIP OUT, not support me. We talked about everything surrounding the pregnancy and keep it or not and with my mom behind me, I decided to make another appointment. She offered money if he didn't have it and I told her that it is his responsibility to pay for it and if he couldn't than I was not going to do it. I scheduled the appointment, one week from that day.
That week was the worst ever. everyday I couldnt help thinking, "One day closer to your death, I' m sorry but I have no other options, I'll always love you baby." I cried dozens of times during that week, he just didnt seem to understand why I was as upset as I was. We fought still, and I was preparing for him to let me down the day of the abortion. I was also preparing to break up with him after it was all over because of his lack of support.
He actually stayed over that Friday night (the night before) and was really supportive of my feelings . I didn't sleep at all, not even a minute, and then alarm went off at 430am. I sat up and stared at the fishtank across the room for 20 minutes, just staring. I finally took a shower and while i was printing out directions to the facility he came upstairs and we began to fight about how I was taking too long to get ready. I was so mad at him and it was a 65 minute ride there. He drove, I watched the trees pass in the darkness, we didn't talk much, we had to be there at 630am. I didn't want him to touch me when we got there, I was still mad from the fight.
Security checked us in and we sat and waited. One tear fell, and then another, the tears just wouldnt stop. I filled out the book of paperwork they gave me in tears and handed it to the lady behind the window in tears. He kept telling me it was OK and I leaned against his arm and he stroked my hair. "Its for the best" he said and looked at me almost teary eyed too.
I cried during the ultrasound. I cried while the nurse took my vital signs. I cried when I counted the money to pay. I cried when I talked to the counselor. I cried everytime I talked to someone. They were all amazing, and very supportive of the fact that i did not want to do this, I had to do it because of finances...I simply coundn't take care of the baby the way it deserves to be taken care of.
I finally met the doctor. Since I was officially over 12 weeks, 13 weeks and 1 day, I had to take 2 pills to dialate my cervix to get the baby out. He was nice, saw me in tears and asked if I was OK with this decision. I said I have to be, I cant take care of it financially. Then the nurse handed me a paper to sign that said that these pills cause birth defects and if i take them I cant turn back without harm to the baby. I signed the paper and she handed me two cups, pills in one, water in the other. I just stared at the pills for what felt like eternity. I thought, I could put this cup dowm and run from here and keep my baby. I thought again and said, "I'm sorry baby" and swallowed the pills. I cried hard before the nurse took me to a dim room with a movie playing and 4 other girls laying down, I had to wait an hour for the pills to work.
They called me out to get changed a while later and I cried when I was changing into the robe and cap and booties I had to wear. She said no jewelry but I couldn't be without my cross so I put it in my sock, the only clothing I could keep on. I felt like I was waiting on death row or something, just numb, and not crying which was surprising. I was OK in that room, there was another girl there too who was in similar circumstances as me. She said her main determining factor was the finances too.
A nurse called my name and I went into the back. As soon as i walked into the room where the abortion was going to happen I broke down and cried hard. Through the tears I sat on the table and cried as they gave me instructions about how to position myself. I cried as they put the IV in my arm and the pulse meter on my finger. They preped me and the doctor came in. He told me that I would be OK and to try to calm down just a bit. I said that I was trying to stop crying but i can't. I felt like i was in good hands when he said that I could cry all i wanted to and that was OK but I had to calm down just a bit because crying like that causes mucus and mucus causes dificulty breathing. I calmed down a bit and blew my nose. Thats when the doctor came over to me and said in such a wonderfully supportive voice, "Dont worry, it will be OK." The anestesiologist asked if I was ready to go to sleep now and I said please god, knock me out.
The next thing I remember is waking up in tears in the recovery room, tissue in hand covering my eyes. I cried for 15 minutes or so while the nurses fussed over taking my vitals about a million times. I watched as the girls in there got changed and left and new girls were rolled in to recovery. I was so heartsick for my baby and I was upset that I had just , in my opinion killed an inocent life. "I'm sorry, baby, I'm sorry." is all I said as I cried. After I calmed down I began to feel OK with what just happened, not at peace with it, but I knew I did the right thing. I just watched the clock on the wall and watched the other girls in the room, and we all asked eachother if the other was OK. It was somehow a relief to look at the girl in the bed next to you and know that she was feeling like you felt, and she understood.
After I got changed and discharged I almost ran down the hall and out of the lobby, giving my boyfriend a nod to follow me. In the parking lot I stopped and grabbed his arm and cried on his shoulder for a while. He said in a sad voice i never heard him speak in "I wish you didnt have to go through all that, I'm sorry." The way he looked at me and the way he spoke, I knew that it had affected him more than I thought.
Its been just 3 days since the abortion. I still rather upset about it. I miss my baby very much and i still love my baby dearly. I am angry at the situation that I'm in and that I had to have the abortion; however, because the situation left me with no way to take care of another baby financially, I'm ok with the decision I made. I have good moments and bad moments. I cry alot over the loss of a baby that I would have welcomed if the money was there. Someday I know I will be at peace with the abortion but for right now I take comfort in knowing that the baby won't suffer and it was the best decision that could have been made at the time.