My Silent Scream
It was a little over 3 months ago that I found out I was pregnant. I remember looking down at that little white stick and knowing in my gut that I was pregnant even before the two blue lines confirmed it. In that moment I did not know what I was going to do, what WE were going to do. My boyfriend and I have been together almost three years now and I can honestly say he is the love of my life. We have talked about marriage, having children, and our future. I have never doubted that we will spend the rest of our lives together but did we want a child now at 22 years old? Logic told me no, but from the moment I found out I was pregnant my heart told me yes. My boyfriend on the other hand did not in any way want to keep that child. We had discussed at points in our past what we would do if I ever became pregnant, my answer had always been I would keep it (even though I consider myself pro-choice I had always disagreed with aborting a child because you made a "mistake") and my boyfriend had always admitted he would want me to have an abortion. So it should'nt have been any surprise to me his take on the situation, but it was. I have never in my life felt so utterly alone. Eventhough he told me it was my choice and that he would not leave me or the baby if I decided to keep it, I did not believe him. How could I when he just did not understand me? That I couldnt even imagine having our child ripped out of me? That baby was a piece of us, it was something made from our love, and he wanted me to just get rid of it. I felt like if I kept the baby he would resent me for "ruining" our future. That we would no longer be able to follow our dreams if we had a child, that he would have to join the military in order to support us, that we would be poor and never be able to put our college degrees to use. I understood all of this and in a way I agreed but none of that changed the fact that one of my dreams has been and still is to be a mother. I know it would have been hard but I knew that I could of done it despite the fact that I would have been an unwed young mother. Every single day my heart was breaking and in the end I chose my boyfriend. I chose his dreams and his future. I chose the love of my life over my unborn child. How horrible is that? I did not want him to resent me for the rest of our lives if I chose to keep the baby. The funny part is now I’ll probably resent him. How ironic is that? My god am I angry. I felt like I had what was supposed to be my choice ripped away from me. I needed him to support me, try to understand me, and in turn I felt utterly alone. How I got through that horrible march day is beyond me. I almost couldn’t do it and than I don’t know something just clicked off inside me and I did it. I remember being so numb I could barely even breathe. I ran off down the hallway right before they called my name, crying and losing my will to go through with the abortion. I stood in a stairwell with my head pressed up against a big glass window and contemplated what it would feel like to jump out of it. I remember telling my boyfriend who came with me that day that I couldn’t do it. I repeated it over and over again. A part of me was waiting for him to tell me if I couldn’t do it that I didn’t have to. But instead he told me I could do it. And in that moment I knew he would never want that baby. He would never feel in his heart what I was. So I did it. And now I hate myself. I am haunted every day. Mostly in my dreams. I dream of a baby with my green eyes and my boyfriends dark hair. Of a little girl with curls and a big smile. I can’t even close my eyes without the image of our would have been child. Needless to say I spend most of my nights tossing and turning. I cant change the choice that was made and I cant have our baby back. But that doesn’t change the fact that sometimes I look down at my perfectly flat stomach and wish there was a four month bump there. I see pregnant women everywhere and I wish I was each and everyone of them. How do I stop this? How do I accept that as of now I will not be having a baby? I try to not think about it but it is so much harder than I could have ever imagined. I love my boyfriend with all of my heart and I know that he has had his fair share of pain over this abortion. I still wish that things had been different, that he could have been there for me in another a way, a way that didn’t make me feel cornered into ending the pregnancy. But I have started to realize that I cant go back in time and I can change what has happened. I’m not sure how I will ever live with this horrible and heart breaking experience but I know that I have to.