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Rushing Through With Decisions..

I'm 18, just a year and a half before finishing up a degree. I can say it was such as a stupid thing to do, to engage on activities you're not supposed to be in ; it is - lack of responsibility and decisions that were governed by personal - selfish reasons. So he was that boy who loved to chase me around, lock me up and give me kisses during kindergarten until early grade school years, I never expected that everything will be summed up and we will be given to give a shot for a relationship at this present college years. After quite some time of going out and having fun - I can say he is the only guy I can truly be myself with, without trying so hard to pretend that I'm some perfect princess, then after serious things started to come about came the week when he said he has some serious problems to deal with and we should stop seeing each other obviously just an alibi to get away with whatever he was having with right then.

I never thought nor considered that I might be pregnant, almost three months passed I took a test, the result I saw started to just turn my life upside down, it was so hard to get hold of his where abouts so I gave up looking for him, every means of contact I have regarding him was off. So I decided to - by all means find a way to not continue with the pregnancy, I felt so alone, one thing that had contributed to this decision was I was the eldest, so as always - everything or too much is always expected from an eldest child, I never wanted to disappoint mom and dad, to let them down, more so to hurt them. Another thing I had to consider was I don't want my baby to not have someone to call "Daddy", I was not prepared and I did not want the way or manner on how I placed myself on the situation.

In a week or two after seeking for help in getting an abortion ,July 28, 2012 at approximately 2:45 am I was awakened by this excruciating pain on my left pelvic portion, in just a moment I have in my hand this tiny thing, the worst thing which had hurt me the most was this tiny thing was my baby who I was suppose to take care of but instead - because of fear and rushed personal selfish decisions - I took away what was just rightful for him/her I turned away from something I was liable of, another thing that struck my innermost person was she/he already had a face, tiny hands , toes. It just hurts too much to see something that I would have wanted to have so much someday but this time that I was given the chance to have it I definitely took it away , that moment I wanted to just turn everything back and should have just stood up for what I did. I just sat right in front of it and broke down but there was nothing I could do I already lost everything. Every time I imagine the outcome of "what if's" I just curl myself back and cry hugging myself . Everything is just so hard, I feel so much drained, out of life.

Now I decided that this should be the first and last time I'm ever going to do something as inhumane as this, and this day forward use what I have I lost as an inspiration towards achieving my goals in life. Its never going to be easy, this tough moment will go on for like forever and I don't know if I'll be able to move on from it, the thing is I can't retract the decisions I've made, I can only affect the decisions I'm going to make from here.

To my baby as the quote goes, "Some say you are too painful to remember, I say you are too precious to forget." I gave him/her a name "Bae Guida" which means an inspiration and a guide.

Thank you so much for giving your time in reading my story. It is much appreciated I just really need something, someone, to somehow let this feeling of guilt, resentment, regret, anger and fear - out. And I'm hoping that by all means everyone or if not at least someone could understand why I did something like this, and in conclusion I hope that no succeeding person can have the same experience I had or at least this should stop.
BaeGuida BaeGuida 18-21 Jul 28, 2012

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