My Boyfriend Hates My Decision To Abort.

I recently had my late term abortion and I am struggling with my decision. I know it's what was best but my bf makes me feel like I made a terrible mistake choosing abortion. He was supportive throughout the entire pregnancy and wanted me to keep it (so did his family). I loved the fact that he and his family were so supportive but I knew realistically they wouldn't be much help financially if I were to go through with the pregnancy. The emotional support from them was awesome but we all know you can't take care of a baby on emotional support is what pays the bills. His family kept saying that everything would be ok and work itself out but that wasn't very reassuring especially knowing they weren't going to be able to contribute financially. My parents are more financially blessed than his family but my family did NOT want me to go through with this pregnancy. Since I knew that my main financial support system were my parents I decided to go along with them and end my pregnancy (there were other reasons too but money was the main one). Now I feel like my bf will never forgive me, even though the decision was best for the both of us. I'm trying to finish up my undergrad degree and he recently enrolled into grad school and doesn't work. A baby doesn't fit into either of our plans right now (he knows this but he won't admit it to himself). I feel so alone because he pretends like he doesn't understand why I did it, even though he really does. I'm already struggling with my decision within myself because part of me wanted to keep her. His added disapproval doesn't help. I feel like he and his family were so out of touch and unrealistic about the situation. I'm trying to heal emotionally and they are making it impossible. 
Mj317 Mj317
5 Responses Aug 14, 2012

Just go spend some time with your family by yourself and destress then go back and have a sit down with him and let him tell you what he feels first so you can understand.

My boyfriend didn't forgive me either. And I know that while he was telling me he did I knew deep down, he didn't. I think he might have now, but only after I said I was using the experience to better myself. And he says he took it to heart. I don't talk to him much. He also would sit there, no matter how many times I explained my position on anything, and ignore me so he wouldn't understand what I was trying to get through

We broke up over it. If your relationship is important to you, and you want it to last, I suggest couple's counseling. Only because in my experience, when people don't listen, that's the only way to get them to. Believe me, It was the only way my voice was heard when it came to my ex best friend.

Otherwise, I suggest dumping him. This relationship looks bad. Any experience like abortion or pregnancy or equally stressful will show you his true colors, and his are unsupportive unless you do what he wants. And that's not good.

I'd say, give him a chance. talk to him some how, but if he doesn't listen, you'll most likely grow to be unhappy and feel like you're there because you don't want to hurt him.

i am definitely in the same situation as you are right now. my fiance and i have been together on and off for almost 6 years. marriage and a large family was always a plan of ours to have together. we are both 23. i have recently just graduated with my undergrad degree and have no job yet. his job isn't very stable either, working with family members. we were both very excited in the beginning when we found out i was pregnant but ultimately it came down to the timing right now in our lives just isnt right to bring a baby into the world.

his family who are religious catholics and definitely pro-life always made their claims that they will support us and that we will make it through with the baby. just like in your situation, his family isnt as well off as my family financially. my parents told me that it was a decision that was between my fiance and i whether we wanted to fully go through with the pregnancy and that they will be there to support us either way. i know that even with the support of both families, it still really will just come down to my fiance and i in raising the baby and all the pressure will be on us. being a newly grad i still wanted to make something out of myself and live my life outside of being a student, while my fiance has ambitions of starting off his own little business as well and finding a secure job. we want to be able to know we can provide and give a baby everything it deserves and not have to struggle through it all knowing that the time isnt right.

after many tearful back and forth discussions, we both came to the agreement that abortion would probably be the best for us right now in our lives. i went ahead with the surgical abortion at 7 weeks and 1 day. it all went by rather quickly. one moment i was being set up on the monitor and the next i was being put in the recovery room. i was mildly sedated so i did not feel any pain or discomfort. i thought everything was ok, a couple days later the feeling of guilt struck me so bad that i ended up questioning myself if i made a mistake, maybe we could have gone through with the pregnancy and it will be worth the struggle. i then after talking to my mom and a close friend of mine came to the conclusion i made the right choice for me in this moment of my life and that it is a healing process that i am still going through. my fiance on the otherhand has started to distance himself from me and the relationship which is making it really hard for me to accept what i thought was right for me. he has started to point blame at me and says that he does feel anger towards me in the decision i thought we both mutually agreed on. he never wants to talk about it and it just frustrates me more with him being this way. right now it is making me feel that i have ruined our relationship and hate myself everyday for this decision. i know that i made the right choice for myself, but then feels that i ruined the relationship because of it.

its been 3 weeks since my abortion and it still hasnt gotten much better with my fiance. i hate the feeling of not knowing what he is thinking and feeling. i know men deal with these things differently than we do. and i just cant help but think that this is it for our relationship as well. i know that its a hard time for you right now, but i do hope for the best for you and hope you know that you are not the only one going through this. im sorry for such a long story. im just very precise with this stuff.

I am in your same situation right now

Is it possible you can spend some time at your parents or somewhere and separate yourself from them? I think it would be easier to grieve and reflect on things without someone trying to make you feel bad.<br />
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I would also express to your boyfriend that you don't appreciate the way he's treating you. Even though the choice you made is not the one he and his family might have preferred, you still deserve support and love. What's done is done and he either needs to help you get through the process and stick by you because he still loves you, or if this has affected the relationship too much for him to overlook it while being with you, he needs to let you go because it's not fair to you.<br />
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More than a few clinics offer counseling or can recommend post-abortion counseling locally if you feel some support outside of your family and talking about it with other women who have gone through the same thing would be helpful. :)

Thanks so much for your response! I suggested to him that we give each other some time and that I'd give him some space. I realize this was tough for him as well, especially since he was raised in a strong pro-life household. We've been sleeping separately recently (my suggestion, again) and I'm probably going to stay with my parents for a couple of days coming soon. He definitely wants us to get through this together but it's going to take some time. Sometimes I feel like his family gives him a little too much advice and even though he knows the abortion is what was best, he can't keep his family out of his ear telling him otherwise. I just hope he can get away from his family's opinion long enough to see what I did was for both of our futures.