This Week...

In my heart I have known since I found out that I was pregnant, that my baby woul have been a girl. The father felt the same way before I even said anything. In trying to work through our loss and our excruciatingly painful choice- which we both regret immensely, we named her. We call her Lexi.
This coming week we would have been finding out for sure if she was a girl. I know it may not seem like it should matter, since we named her already, but the fact that it was never revealed makes it hard to deal with this.
I know other women who are pregnant. One is two weeks earlier than where I would be, another is a few days from mine, and another is a couple weeks ahead. They are all keeping their babies and as I watch them move forward in their pregnancies, it makes it so much harder to grieve over mine, especially since no one knows about it or my abortion. I try to just be happy for them, but when I hear about them feeling their babies kick, celebrating finding out the gender and going to their ultrasound appointments, I find myself hurting a little more and a little more each time.
I'm stuck in the place where no matter what I try, I can't get over this feeling of guilt, shame, and worthlessness. I regret aborting my baby more and more each day. I miss every aspect of being pregnant, even the morning sickness. I'm haunted by memories of the day I took the final pills. The feeling of shame that I felt before it was over. I literally feel like a part of me has died and I don't know how to move past it anymore. I feel more alone than ever, and I have no one to talk to.
I don't know what to do anymore. I can't find any local support groups, I have no friends or family members I can tell, my boyfriend is in the navy and is away at bootcamp. I feel so alone and I wish I had more answers. I wish I could take back the choice that I made.
BB1006 BB1006
18-21, F
3 Responses Sep 8, 2012

Talking about it does help.<br />
Bottling feelings only makes it worse to get over.<br />
Feel free to talk to me. Consider me a friend.<br />
=)

Talking about it does help.<br />
Bottling feelings only makes it worse to get over.<br />
Feel free to talk to me. Consider me a friend.<br />
=)

I am with you. I am a man, but I feel really sand and regret paying for the abortion of my baby.<br />
It was a year ago, and I still feel lost. You are not alone.<br />
<br />
Please go to therapy. My ex didn't go to therapy. She left me for another man two months after the abortion and she got pregnant only six months after leaving me.<br />
I am so lost, I feel sad for her. I know she did that just to feel the emptyness in her heart.

I am sorry that your ex left you. I understand the emptiness, because it is a void I know I will never be able to fill.
I can't go to therapy. There isn't anyway for me to. That is why I joined this group. But I don't know if talking about it even seems to help much.