Blur

I went to University when i was 18, my first time away from home. spent the first two weeks/a month completly off my face on drugs and alcohol, terrified of not fitting in and making friends. id never touched drugs before and i rarely drunk. i slept with a guy repeatedly without a condom, thinking at the time i might get pregnant but somehow it not registering because i was just so messed up with substances. (amazing how little that takes!) by the time my period was due i had seen the guy for what he was and was left pregnant. i remember my denial that it would all be ok until i peed on that stick. god the shock even tho i was expecting it. as i got procedings under way (kept mostly to myself, didnt tell my parents etc) i almost felt like it was a ride someone would stop soon.  i just smoked and smoked and drank and drank in a way making sure i couldnt have the baby because i knew that i would have to have an abortion.  but i used to touch my stomach in private and have my arms around it while i slept. i used to sob at night and and punch the floor and beg the air not to make me go through with it. i used to talk to my stomach in the bathroom and imagine being able to keep it there, not growing until i was ready. the day it happened i went to hospital and had to put tablets up my vagina with a kind of tampon applicator (i had the emergency medical termination kind not a emergency surgical kind of termination) which would make me expell the pregnancy. no one explained exactly what would happen, they explained it to me like a heavy period. i went home and about an hour later i felt my stomach start to ache and went to my bathroom and had diarorea severly for about half an hour, the bleeding started and my stomach started contracting and the pain was so severe i thought i would pass out. for about 3 hours i bled severly with intermidant diarorea and dizzy breathless spells. i passed a huge bloody mass which sat in the toilet bowl and i could see the baby so clearly and i sat on the toilet floor for about an hour plucking up the courage to flush the toilet sobbing and vomiting into the sink. a year and a half on and i cant come to terms with what i have done. i want a baby so badly my womb feels like it pulls on me and my arms ache to hold a baby of my own. im putting off acheiving things in my life because i want one so badly. but i cant tell anyone. i cant grieve for what i have lost because i didnt lose my baby i deliberatley threw it away. but i know in my heart of hearts i couldnt have kept it. so torn.
nervous nervous
18-21, F
May 5, 2007