Struggling

I am a divorced young mother of 2. My boyfriend and I had been together for about a year when I found out I was 4 weeks pregnant. We were both in shock and started weighing our options immediately. I work at a Christian setting and knew I would loose my title (and great pay) and possibly loose my job if I was pregnant and not married. We also knew we weren't ready to get married and didn't want to make the mistake that so many couples do by jumping the gun and getting married just because we got pregnant. Being a single mom of 2, I was terrified to bring another child into the world to be raised by a single mom. My boyfriend was very supportive and although I know now that we'll probably make it through the long haul, I wasn't so sure at the time I found out I was pregnant. I was so stressed about money, my job, what it would do to our relationship and my other 2 children, I stared doing a little research. I've always been pro-choice, but I've also never thought I would have to choose...
I knew I could never go through an invasive abortion. After doing some research and finding the abortion pill option, we were sold. It all seemed so easy. I made the appointment over the phone and was required to listen to a 15 min long counseling session before the appointment could be made. It was a recording of basic information. I was told the appointment would take aprox 2 hours. My boyfriend and I arrived to the clinic. The website claimed it was a discreet clinic located in what looked like a business building. I was shocked to see protesters outside the "discreet business building" when we pulled up. They were mean people yelling "baby killers" at us. It was too late to turn around. My boyfriend exchanged words with the high and mighty non-sinners and then we walked in the clinic.
I signed some papers and was sent to the waiting room. There were people of all walks of life inside. I was really shocked at how many people were waiting. The air was heavy and the room was silent. It was obvious we were all there for the same reason. I was called back a total of 4 times for different reasons. After paying $350, having a vaginal ultrasound, finger ***** and brief counseling, I was told the doctor would see me. The doctor explained that I would be recieving an injection in the arm, along with a prescription for the abortion pills and Codine.
I left feeling emotionally numb amd went straight to the pharmacy. I went back to work that afternoon and felt fine. That night, I locked myself in the bathroom and placed the 4 pills in my cheeks as directed. I sat on the bathroom floor and sobbed while they disolved. I didn't really know why I was crying. I felt guilty. And selfish. Mostly selfish. My boyfriend was present and quiet. I don't think he really knew what to do, so he supported me in silence. Once the pills were disolved, I took a pain killer, put a pad on, and laid down. About an hour later, I woke up with excruciating cramps. They felt like labor contractions. They were very intense and lasted for up to 30 seconds before calming down for a few seconds. They were so sharp and close together that I really felt like I had no relief. There was heavy bleeding, cramping, and nausea for several hours. I've read that all women experience this a little differently. I finally began feeling relief in early morning. I used a heating pad and alternated pain killers all night.
I was pretty emotionally numb for several weeks following the abortion. Things seemed to be ok. I even took a trip to NYC and was able to enjoy myself, feeling so relieved I wasn't pregnant in the big apple. It wasn't until about 6 months after the abortion that I started feeling depressed. Now I'm so lost I don't know what to do. The due date is about 2 weeks away and I can barely function. Things with my boyfriend are great. We're definitely on the marriage track and want a baby in the next 3 years. Maybe that's why I'm feeling so lost. I threw away a baby because the timing wasn't perfect and now, 8 months later, I'm thinking about how great it will be when we are able to start planning a pregnancy. I want a baby so bad it hurts. I cry all day long. I feel EXTREME guilt and even have thoughts of suicide. I know I'm depressed. I'm thankful I have my 2 little boys to keep my head on straight when I'm feeling lost. I'm hoping that once the due date passes then maybe I will be able to have some closure to things and get on with my life. My only focus is being an amazing mom. But when the kids are in bed, I looses it. I cry so hard and for hours at a time. I can still justify the abortion logically and feel I did what was best at the time, but the guilt is almost unbeareable. I wonder if I'm the only one feeling so heavily depressed after so many months have passed?
duedatedepression duedatedepression
22-25
1 Response Nov 29, 2012

Sweet girl, you will be ok. I ache for you. Hold on, and you will get through it. The world tells us what we want to hear, not the whole truth. I know so many that are experiencing what you are right now. It gets better. We have freedom of choice, but not freedom from the consequences. Your anguish will pass, and perhaps a renewed or changed belief system that you can tell others about. Women need to know this other side to abortion. Pro-life and Pro-choice agendas aside, its not fair to keep this side of it covered up. Get well, pray, and perhaps your experience will help others in the future.