33 Years And Still I Mourn Your Absence.....

This past Mother's Day I decided to go for a walk in the forest. A young man approached on the trail, he smiled and whispered with tearful eyes..."Happy Mother's Day". I thanked him trying to steady my voice. He stood for a moment, I thought he needed a hug, I know I did, however he awkwardly passed by. I stood for a moment, he would have been the right age. I wondered if perhaps he had either lost his mother or couldn't find the courage to call her. I wondered if he could see the pain, my pain for the choice I had made 33 years ago.

Two hours later I was outside by the ocean. A couple I had seen many times walking along the beach approached, the young man offering a small bouquet of flowers. "Didn't know if you had children, he said shyly, thought you might like to enjoy these". his wife smiled shyly, they walked on. I wrote an e-mail to a close friend sharing these two incidents. Her respond was to remind me how much of a mother I am, caring for many. I smiled quietly, the tears began at the moment. They came in a flood, my cry sounded like a wounded animal, I was shocked by the pain. I had stuffed the memory of you so deeply. The time had come to face your loss. It's been seven months from that Mother's Day, not a day goes by now that I don't cry for you.

I never told my story to anyone. I kept my secret from my brothers. My mother was the only person who knew. 33 years ago she told me never to tell anyone, it would embarrass the family. I waited till she died a few years ago, I found the courage to tell my oldest brother. He had so many emotions I was not prepared for. One such emotion was pain over the loss of a nephew he would never know. He tried to console me. He told me his nephew was waiting for us in heaven. He expressed anger for the secret our mother forced me to keep. We talked about it again yesterday. I couldn't talk to him on the phone but I did write him another e-mail. His prompt reply was comforting, encouraging me to talk about how I felt as often as I needed it.
One day I'll find the courage to share my story with all of you.....
Mootzah Mootzah
61-65, F
4 Responses Dec 3, 2012

Did you have anymore children? Did you ever get pregnant again?

No I did not have children, I never became pregnant again, sadly.

thats beautiful and if pepole think u wld be a great mother then life is worth living i know prob in ur day and age it would have been but everything happens for a reason and at the time it was the right choice your stong for just saying that keep blieveing im young and have my share of momments but i know my healing will soon come i hope and belive

Thank you 3days....you words of encouragement mean a great deal.

Mootzah, what a very touching story. I'm deeply sorry to hear about your loss and such a beautiful way to describe your tough experiences. I agree with the previous comments, please encourage yourself to open up and talk. Please try not to deny your emotions. It is hard but I sense you are so strong. Smile. You deserve that smile to be on your face. I have also suffered from an abortion. If my experience offers any comfort, you are welcome to read. Maybe click on my username and you'll find it. That's wonderful to hear of the support from your brother by the way. I hope this brings you together.

Thank you HereForYouToo....yes, support from my brother has made exposing the secret easier to talk about now.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Regardless of our choices, we are mothers in our own way. You will certainly meet your baby/child someday.

I agree ae89, thank you for your kind words of encouragement.