2 Years On..

 

My curiosity often leads me to YouTube and other google searches following my abortion. I'm almost 30, my abortion occurred 2 years, 2 months ago.. Sounds pretty accurate, right? An experience like this doesn't leave you...speaking on behalf of, I imagine, say 95% of survivors from such an experience, untouched.

I was..."in a relationship". I describe it as such because I later found out -from facebook of all places- the guy was married. He gave me the - I love you, I miss you, your my world and your so beautiful. Even spoke of a future and future children.

While pregnant, I was living with two other girls whom I had met online (in order to rent a room in a flat) and was later renting with. The cravings had matured yet I was still able to push myself hard at the gym. Long hours at work, a hearty appetite and distracted from a guy whom had claimed to love me covered the growing bump from my naive eyes, despite my tiny frame.

Probably around 4 months into the pregnancy and one randomly-made doctors appointment later, I'm crying. hysterically. alone. staring at two positive and confidently-standing pregnancy tests. Im whaling as the cries are loud and the tears race each other down my flushed, gaunt cheeks. Through my blurred vision from the tears, I manage to call him and as usual he doesn't answer. I text him "pick up your phone, I'm pregnant", he replies with "What?!?!". On the phone, he rejects my pleading and begging to come and visit me, to comfort me, making up some random and poor excuse that he had to go home (to his wife-although he obviously leaves that part out) exposing the man-turns-boy figure that he had become. Well in truth-what he was masking from me all along really. Conversations conveniently changed in his favour from 'our future' to 'what the hell is happening, I'm not coping, your on your own and I'm not answering your texts and calls either' approach. I'm encouraged to..no wait, abandoned and pressured, into the hardest decision of my life..alone, all but one close girl friend. Why? What's worse than a pregnant 'girlfriend'? A pregnant Wife And a pregnant 'girlfriend'. We had conceived a couple of months apart.. How's That for testing fertility. Yup - Facebook It's true; a curious woman discovers more than an FBI detective :0) At first, I had a scan at an abortion clinic, arranged through my doctors, where I was able, from my request, to see the black and white moving image of my gorgeous unborn.my son. The rapid heart beat and soft, curious movements are some of the memories that I treasure and remember fondly. Instead of the useless guy, the same girl friend i had mentioned earlier comforted me. I asked not to be told how late in the pregnancy I was, while laying down, until she confirmed I was too I was too far into the pregnancy to have the abortion at that particular clinic. She then answered my question and broke the silence with "your 19 weeks". My heart sunk, in shock, at the same pace that my mouth dropped. Another appointment had to be made, and fast, given I had 2 weeks grace until the abortion was illegal.

The horrific procedure, having bonded with my precious unborn even more so from that moment of the scan, was nothing less than terrifying and unbelievable and scars me everyday. Like other bloggers here it seems, I also think of my unborn everyday. I knew in my heart what I wanted-to go through the pregnancy but this was conflicting with a stronger feeling of - any child of mine deserves "Daddy" to be present in their life, and preferably "husband" to me.. The word "stable" and "happy" is also closely linked in this scenario. Unfortunately, the devastating reality was, that would not of been the case here and I wanted so much more, for Both of us, and for clarity, not selfishly. By this point I was back home having being made redundant in a tough industry.


Part of my motives for joining this site is to stress that I am here for every blogger from this site. I would be flattered and honoured to anyone wishing to contact me for advice or even just a 'would you mind if I share my experience with you'.

Yes, I grew stronger in some ways from this experience but the sacrifices were high, even following after a 14-month relationship prior to this one involving domestic violence, it was still the toughest thing I had gone through. The result of which had made me more determined to strive for the person I should be, I Could be. I had and have sacrificed the one thing I wanted and yearned for so deeply and the love for my unborn was so intensely strong and protective. I had to prove the sacrifice was not in vein, I had to prove this sacrifice meant I had a huge amount of responsibility to demonstrate to my unborn that This is your Mum-career wise, and in a loving way..to make him proud if that makes any sense. I'm not too sure how to finish this article but i would advise- don't take the decision of an abortion lightly. Make your decision for the best reasons. Do google searches and any other research you feel fit and make an informed decision. It's not a natural decision to make. Be strong-either way x

HereForYouToo HereForYouToo
26-30, F
11 Responses Dec 5, 2012

Wow, thank you Simon. I feel I was very brave, and through such a lonely and desperate time. I don't really fear much now in terms of loss, and other aspects of uncertainty too, because I feel having survived domestic violence And the above..I have been pushed to my ultimate limits, and as a result, challenged and pushed how far my inner strength can go. It doesn't mean I have stopped striving towards what I want in life - and I will continue to appreciate and love others, but the aspect and i guess that 'fear' of loosing something isn't as strong now.

You mentioned that your lost for words. Well, if you ever find them, I'd really like to know what they are :0) I think I'm doing ok, even though I think about it each day because of set routines I do each morning (that suggestion sounds larger than reality I think) but little steps. Even some songs make me choke :0/ but..I'm actually grateful for that. It means I'm still connected. I wouldn't change that.

Take care too

Nightwish - ah thank you so much! I'm touched by your post and I'm grateful. How lovely! I'm pleased my words connected with you, as a member. I was tempted to write more but I didn't want to intimidate people with such a long text and put people off from either reading from the beginning or half way through.

It took so much of...well, all of my strength really. Many times during and after i had called and text the girl friend I mentioned above. She was amazing. She had told me that because she had seen the ultra sound and had a child, she wasn't able to attend the abortion clinic the second time with me, I had to go alone. It wasn't a decision she had reached lightly and I was crushed but ultimately had to respect her decision. It was shocking to be alone but we did text so much until my time was up and then stayed at her house that night. She told me that if I ever had doubts or simply wanted to leave, then just make my way to her.. The thing is, maybe times I contemplated that, but it was the last day of the procedure being legal which mentally handcuffed me.

The ultra sound comment, I too have looked at them since. I still have the positive pregnancy test. No, it doesn't sound messed up at all about wanting your child to be proud of you, I feel the same, your not alone. Has it changed your career or social circles??

You're such a brave person. I really admire your strenght. I also torture myself, looking at the photos from the ultrasound. I used to say that I was going to do many things so my baby could be proud of me. It sounds so messed up, right? Thank you for your inspiring post.

Aw thank you! I'm so pleased I could help in some way, and thats still the case. I have read so many times (not on this site) that people have been 'told' to forget and simply move on. to block out every thought and emotion, and that's the right thing to do but things can't be settled unless they are confronted and understood...in my opinion. Anyway, isn't that the woman's decision, regardless of the intention from the other person?!!...

Thank you for your kind words :)
You really opening my mind up.

ImFreeNow - thank you for your comment and being so open with me. I admire you for that.

I wouldn't worry about not having a set 'goal' when you respond, what you did share with me was appreciated and ive noticed that the bloggers here type freely from the heart and mind.

I'm sorry to hear about your experience because I can empathise really closely to your situation. I don't think it's always about moving on. I was determined that I was never going to forget my unborn and show him spiritually that it was the case, each day. I demonstrate this through my actions and my thoughts. I do certain things. It's between us but I like to think that he knows that it's all because of him. I have a small tattoo on my foot of two footprints. this was arranged with the tattoo artist almost exactly one-year after I Regretfully let him go. It's a small outline with some shading but I Had to do something significant to show he had a lasting affect on me. I also think of him when I see it.

So, what I'm saying is, when decisions are tough and they test you, it doesn't mean you Should forget to move on. You are entitled to take with you whatever you wish from that experience. If you feel you need to respond in a certain way from your experience, then that's fine. It's a decision made between you and yourself (no typing error) anyway, meaning no one else needs to know..

I hope that outlook brings some comfort.

I can empathise that it's difficult and in some ways you feel possibly restricted but please don't stop writing on here. going by some of your wording and your username, maybe there are cultural strains too-that's not a question, just an observation. I hope you don't mind me mentioning that.

i feel it was so brave of you to share your experience. If you are hoping to reach out to just One other woman, as you've mentioned, then that has already been achieved - me :0) and I'm sure you have been admired by several other readers too. It does take a lot of courage you are right. I don't have a daughter - from my spiritual and emotional understanding my unborn was a boy and I strongly feel that was the case. Although I'm not stating in Any way that its not easier Or more difficult if you have children prior to this experience, you are blessed with a daughter :0) When did you discover this website? I joined last night.

I am doing well, thank you for asking. It's so tempting to sharing my story however the circumstances under which the decision to have an abortion so many years is complicated. Difficult to expose and yet I struggle to find the courage to share the story that may make a difference for one other woman struggling with the same issue.

Thank you Mootzah. Such kind words, from someone already so gentle. It was extremely tough. I thought it best not to expose too much detail during the abortion itself, should anyone feel its the right decision for them and be discouraged from my post.

The more-than-useless father of my precious adored son would of been a laughable performance, full of cancellations, broken promises and lies, on the basis of - should he want contact, which I was so surely doubtful of. During the pregnancy when i had discovered the news, he changed from words of happy and fantasy to 'I'm not ready for a family yet'. Ironic given his Wife of a few years was already expecting. I must admit, I did torture myself mentally by checking Facebook regularly seeking pictures and status updates, even admiring the pictures of their child. They seemed blissfully happy, especially the woman. And yes, I was even tempted many times to turn up unannounced at his house, him there or not, carrying unborn child and all with signed birthday cards and his e-mails and photos declaring his love. Why didn't I? I didn't want to destroy her 'happy bubble' and her life...even after he destroyed mine to dust.. Strange huh..

thanking me for sharing my experience was lovely to say, I'm grateful. It took a couple of years of courage and yes the experience took everything out of me. I also hid this news from my parents until a verbal outburst towards my Mum over a year later. We hadn't talked about it since really. Maybe she's scared too and unsure to approach it, but having discovered this site last night, I'm already keen to share and post and learn more :0)

Keep well too..how are you doing?

I can not begin to understand what this decision must have done to your soul. I must say however, it had to have taken the up most of courage.
Thank you for sharing your experience.
Be well

I have noticed 12 viewers for this post. I have made slight amendment since posting.

I would welcome your thoughts/questions/comments.

Touched by your story but not sure what to write.
I got pregnant by someone i "thought" was amazing but was actually an idiot. I couldnt have kept her. Life would have been hell for both of us.
Terminated at 9 weeks.
Still have bad days.
Need to move on or im just gonna let it ruin my life - which i know is a waste.
Any suggestions?

Just to let peeps know my username refers to being free of my lonliness in this matter not being free of my baby, Iwould do anything to change what happened