My Story. Regrets. Questions.

My abortion was 2 years and 1 month ago. I had been with him for 3 years, we dated for two and had already been engaged for a year. The wedding was still a year away. I was 7 weeks when I found out.

When I told him, he immediately freaked out. I didn't hear from him or hours, and when I finally did, he had searched online for ways to cause me to miscarry at home. He bought a bottle of vitamin C pills and asked me to overdose on them, and I flat out refused. I told him it was too risky, and that I didn't even know what kind of adverse affects something like that might have on me. At this point, he hadn't even asked me how I felt about it. When we finally talked, he was only concerned with his reputation. He is very religious, and he was so worried what his mom and the church would think about him. I cried and cried, and begged him to change his mind, to give our unborn child a chance. He kept saying "no, what will people think of me?" After a while, he started coming up with other excuses why I should do what he wanted. He told me that I was too far into my school to have a baby, that it was too close to the wedding, anything he could think of to make me see it his way. He even told me that if I chose to keep the baby, he would never be happy again and he would never be supportive of my choice.

I felt like I had no choice. I loved him. More than I had ever loved anyone and I wanted desperately to save our relationship. I submitted to what he wanted, even though I didn't want it at all.

Everything happened so fast. I was forced to make my decision in about 4 days, because the clinic closest to me (2 hours away) would only do a medical abortion up to 8 weeks at the maximum and I refused to do a surgical. It was around finals and we really didn't want anyone to know about it, so it had to be somewhere close enough to be gone and back within the day.

I had a medical abortion. Everything went as smoothly as it possibly could. I had no complications at all. The cramps weren't bad for me at all, I stopped bleeding right when I should have and my period was back to normal within 2 months. He drove me there and paid for everything.

I spent months trying to convince myself why I was better off without the baby. When it started to sink in that I really wasn't happy, I just wanted to talk to him about it. He refused to talk about it. He would brush off the topic every time I brought it up. He didn't understand why I kept bringing it up, it was over and taken care of. To him, it was a problem and he had come up with a solution. He was done with it and moved on.

Our relationship had already begun to spiral downward immediately after the abortion. I became very withdrawn and submissive, which is completely not like me. I just did whatever he wanted to make him happy and avoid arguments, because in all honesty, I didn't want anything else I did to ruin what I had sacrificed everything to save. Our sex life also began to fall apart. My sex drive was practically nonexistent. I didn't WANT him. He would guilt trip me about not wanting him. He would constantly be hinting, and I would pretend not to notice. When he would finally be fed up with not having sex, he would confront me. We would argue, I would cry, and try to think of some reason why I didn't want to. (At the time, I wasn't 100% sure that my post-abortion feelings were what was causing it) He would comfort me, say he would fix it, and then I would submit to make him happy. This would happen about once every month.

We did end up getting married. It was a pseudo happy day. I was happy, because it was everything I thought I wanted. I thought that maybe things would get better, maybe I would feel better once we were married. However, the new wore off after a couple months and I was as depressed as ever.

What I would like to know from other people who have gone through an abortion is this: How did it affect your relationship with the man who would have been the father? I know that most of the women whose stories I have read wanted their abortions, so their relationships seemed to go on normally. I haven't actually found anyone whose boyfriend/fiance/husband wanted it and they didn't. All the people I know in my life who had abortions are not with the man who would have been their baby's father.

He and I are now currently separated. There are several reasons that contributed, but the main reason is my hurt from the abortion. I can't seem to find it in me to forgive him for what he put me through, I can't imagine how I could possibly spend the rest of my life with him and be HAPPY, and I definitely can't imagine having children with him now, not after what happened. I feel like my trust has been broken in a way I don't know how to fix. I have been to counseling...It didn't bring me any closer to being able to forgive him. He has changed a lot...After I left, he realized what a jerk he had been and has made a lot of changes in himself...But the hurt and the distrust are still there.

I would appreciate anyone's input and comments. I'd love to know how you can relate and how you have dealt with how your abortion has affected this part of your life.
IStillMissYouEveryDay IStillMissYouEveryDay
22-25, F
4 Responses Dec 5, 2012

Like you, I have been reading many abortion stories too and most of them were indeed with the father wanting the abortion....I feel lonely as hell because I can't seem to find a reference that is similar to my story. I would really like to know how a man feels being in the position where they wanted the baby, because I desperately love the man who wanted my baby.

Our situation before the abortion:
It all happened in August when i found out i was pregnant. We are both 25 and have been dating since we were 18. We were best of friends and haven been through thick and thin. We often talked about marriage and kids, it was it for us, we found each other. I liked on my own in a studio apartment, he lived at home temporarily after half year abroad. I was in my last stage of Master thesis, he was in his 3rd year of college. However, he has been in a bad place for a very long time (since 20); lost his motivation, drive and ambition. Hence, he is still in his 3rd year of college (he should have been done 2 years ago). We had no money, him being ALWAYS broke, no drive to get a part time job, or move further with his study. I lived on borrowed money. We were poor but we were happy. I stuck out with his because I saw potentials in him, he is a good person, intelligent, smart, driven etc but he just sunk into a bad place. Eventually I started to wonder how long it would take for him to get out of that hole and move on. I wasn't sure whether this is his true attitude towards life in general or whether he was still in the hole which he would eventually come out of. We also come from different cultural background: him more liberal, mine more conservative. We have talked about accidentally pregnancies before, and I simply told him it was not possible before marriage and I would consider abortion, because it's a shameful thing in my culture and I don't want to bring such a headache to my family. He would simply tell me that he would never forgive me if I would.

The pregnancy:
Early on in the week, I was so pushed to the limit with his passive attitude towards like that I told him i wanted to end things if he continues this way. later on that week, I found out i was pregnant. He was scared but over the moon. I never mentioned the word abortion because i thought he knew what i was going to do. same day he went straight back to his parents' house and told them they were going to be grandparents with a BUT. It was bad timing too because were going on a family holiday for a month...three days after we found out. I was 6 weeks pregnant. I was directly appointed to an abortion clinic by my doctor because they were try to get it fixed before i leave in 3 days. it was all happy happy because he wasn't aware that it was a abortion clinic. I too thought it was more of a clinic for people who didn't know what to do. it was even more shocking when they said i could abort that day. it was hell in there, he was crying, i was crying. for me it was matter of when to do it: now or after my holiday. for him, he thought he could still change my mind and weigh out our options on how to raise our baby. When i decided to do it on that day, it broke his soul, he cried and begged but he knew he couldn't physically drag me out of the place against my will because he wanted to respect my choice. in the end I didn't it on that day. I thought if i could give him time to say goodbye and give him peace, I was glad to do so. we went on holiday (family visit). 3 weeks later when i was 9 weeks, I went to the abortion clinic with a friend.

His fight for our baby:
He cried every night on holiday. He carried very single bags I had, literally carried me in the palms and treated me like a queen. For a minute I thought i had the motivated, driven and ambitious him back. He say he'd marry me now if it meant for me to keep the baby. he will work 2 jobs whatever it takes, it won't be easy but he'd give his life if it meant our baby's life. He got his parents support on housing, a job for me, money etc. He fought till the last minute during my appointment.

My Reason:
Fear of disappointing my parents, my family, my whole life was about making my dad proud, doing what he says and prove that I was not worthless and incompetent: who will i be with a baby out of wedlock? I also felt I was mentally not healthy at the stage to be a good mother. I let my dad rule all my life, i was going to let him rule my baby's life too. I just wanted to protect it from all the bad things that i know was going to happen if i let my baby come, and i will not be strong enough to protect it from that. I just wanted it all for my baby. Other reasons were that i was scared that I will not be able to relay on my boyfriend fully because he has given me no reasons to in the past 5 years. all of the sudden, now, he will change for someone?? I had my doubts. it was all talk, i saw no action. I felt like if I keep my baby, I'd lose everything that I am. Was I happy when i got pregnant? Yes. But my fears were too strong and it blocked all connections i could have with my baby. When i thought about keeping it, all i could think was how to fake my own death and disappear. I didn't want to get attached because i know i JUST COULDN'T keep it. I rubbed my belly when i slept everyday in the last week and cried "sorry I can't keep you".

My healing:
I went to counsellings because I became suicidal, I was grieving for my baby, my relationship that i just lost and my toxic relationship with my dad. I lost all respect for myself. I didn't just kill my baby, I killed myself. next week is my last session. I learned that I aborted for the wrong reasons but at that time, I really wasn't capable of making any other choice than that because I had a lot of growing to do. I stopped my baby's growth so I could grow and have a life. my own life. I thank my baby everyday for saving my life. I learned to accept my decision, I am at peace with it. but it doesn't mean i won't be sad about it still.

My relationship after abortion:
He came to keep up his things after it happened. But we still love each other and it just won't die. we were also still very sexually attracted to eachother. It's always good and fun with eachother, everytime we see eachother, we feel like 18 seeing eachother for the first time. we smile and can't even help it. we cut all ties for more than one month because he said he cant be with me after what i did. he never went to look for help and wont talk to his parents about it. completely ignored it and moved on and came back to me hoping he could help me with grieving. we went back being like a couple until we ran out of superficial things to talk about and it become awkward because we used to talk about everything and everything and now half of it is taboo. My spirit was broken and he saw and thats when he realized he needed help too. after that he hit rock bottom and told me that "we" won't be happening. I told him I'm holding on because first time I didn't fight hard enough, second time around, i am not making the same mistake. He got himself together and we continued for a few more weeks. he got new temp. job, had money, quit his study that he was struggling to like a years. we were happy. Then his temp. job ended corruptly, I broke down again, he freaked out and ran. He has been kind of running away from me for 3 weeks now, just avoiding any serious conversations, i haven't seen him since. i just finally broke and called out for him to talk 2 days ago. I told him i really want to talk, he agreed but i know he is running. He takes very long to answer and keeps on postponing things. in turn, i feel abandoned.

I feel utterly alone. I feel like if i lose him, I lose the last piece of me. I had failed my baby, him and myself, they are suppose to be my life. instead, I tuned my back on them and picked what other people would think of me.....My parents don't know any of this. I miss them, but I am not strong enough to handle being around them too much right now. Some days i feel like i can move on, even without him. Some days, i just want to die in his arm so I can be his and be with him forever. In general, being on here makes me feel much better:)

I would really love to talk to somebody, so feel free to ask me anything or leave a note :) I wish you luck!

wow, longer than I expected! but please don't get scared off by the massiveness of my story!

I think I know how you feel. But I am not sure I had my abortion three weeks ago and we also were in college but only sophomores and while he said he would be supportive he also said he would never be happy again as well and that he thought abortion was the only option etc. So like you I guess I did it because I loved him and I didn't want to ruin his life. But I have realized the second after and even while I was getting it that I am now miserable and I would have rather raised a baby alone than have gotten this abortion. I think my issues are that I love him but I also hate him. I hate him for not telling me we could do it. I hate him because I was the one who sacrificed my happiness when he could have been the one. I hate him for not greiving the way that I do and for not understanding its literally ripping me apart to know what I did. I love him though for being there for me through a lot and I love him for who he is. I guess it's hard I think about ending the relationship a lot. But I also have to remind myself he was a scared young college boy and he wasnt carrying the baby, I was , so I felt the love of the baby not him. It is hard because going through it you expect that you will both feel the same thing afterwards but it is the woman who usually has to feel the pain and deal with it. I wish I could offer you some advice but I guess I am just in the begining stages of it all.

I also thought about ending the relationship. I actually thought about it before we ever had the abortion. I knew at the time that I should leave him and do what I thought was right, but my heart just couldn't bear the thought of losing him. Looking back, I can't believe I was willing to give up so much for someone who showed that they truly didn't care about me. I too, would rather be raising a baby alone than to have had my abortion. I was always so frustrated with him for being just fine when I was miserable inside. I don't really know what I expected him to feel...but I think I expected him to at least feel SOMETHING. He says now (after I left him, of course) that he always felt bad, and always wished that we hadn't done it, but I think that is too convenient. He never showed any signs of remorse until it was taking away what he wanted. I feel like I'm rambling, but finding this forum is very comforting to me to know that other people share the same feelings, in whole or in part.

well i can say i know how you feel it was seven years ago my abortion i had the father on my case about it my parents and i wanted to go to school i also already had two kids the father was very insistant that i have the abortion as were my parents as far as i was concerned school could wait till the baby was old enough to stay home with someone else,after the abortion i started to resent the father and wanted nothing to do with him even though he was the one who broke it off saying" i had changed to much" the day i had the abortion i cried for four days after i was depressed even now i feel bad for doing it ,but i did get my school finished and move on to a new career but it did take its emotional toll on me,so i can relate to what you are saying.

Thank you so much for replying. I cannot imagine how much it must have hurt you, especially since you already have two children with him. That is exactly the emotion I would use to describe how I felt about my husband: resentment. At first, I DID still love him, but over time, when I realized more and more how wrong it was of him to pressure me into something I didn't want at the expense of another human life, the more I resented and eventually started to hate him. This is something that no one I know personally has been able to give me any advice about. I know a couple people in my life that I have been able to confide in that have had abortions, but neither of them stayed with the father for long after their abortions, nor were they very serious with them. It seems to confirm the suspicion that I already have...that things may not work out between us after all.

As I read your story, I felt your pain. While my wife and I haven't personally experienced the pain of abortion, we have close friends and family members that have, and we know the long lasting affect it can have on you. There are a lot of things I would say to you, but don't really want to put too much in the public arena. Mostly know that you are not alone in what you are feeling. The clinics don't tell you what can happen to some people. I think that you summed up you husband completely when you realized he is a jerk. Unfortunately you are the one left in pieces and he may not care less.

But moving on you need to get help. There are organizations that can help you get through the pain and most of all learn to forgive yourself. Many women have gone through what you have, and have received the emotional healing that you need to restore your life. Don't stay with it bottled up inside. Look for a support group the specifically deals with restoration of people like your self who have been exploited by the process. Here is a web site that has many stories like yours That would be a good start for you.

Thank you. I never knew that this decision would affect me in so many ways. It has literally affected every area of my life. If there is more you would like to say, you can message me (I'm not sure how to initiate messages, or I would, I'm still learning how to use everything on here) It has been somewhat comforting to know that other people feel the same way. Finding this forum has been the start of my search for a group or a counselor to help me start on the healing process; my entire life has been on hold it seems since this happened, as if I am frozen in time. Thank you for the website. I checked it out, and I am actually looking into doing the Rachel's Vineyard Retreat. You have all been so helpful and understanding.