Worst Summer Yet (long Post)

Last year at the end of march, I was visiting a couple of my friends at university. We were all getting ready to go out and one of my good friends had introduced me to a couple of her good guy friends. They were all super nice and fun, but I was really attracted to one of the guys in particular. I introduced myself, we started talking and we just clicked. The rest of the night we laughed a lot and he was buying me drinks at the bar and we were dancing and just had a really good time together. Later in the night, I ended up going back to his apartment and we had sex... I'm not usually the kind of girl who has sex with guys when I first meet them but I felt like I've known this guy for so long. I felt really comfortable with him. Anyways, I wasn't always the best at taking my pill and I had forgotten on my trip so I had missed the past two days... He ended up wearing a condom, but eventually (i never realized) but I later found out that he took it off. Although, he did pull out. Anyways... We swapped numbers and hung out for a little bit then I left and went back to my friends dorm room.

A couple weeks after that I had noticed I was late. I was freaking out and had really bad anxiety just thinking about it. I kept putting the thought off until I had gotten to the two week mark. Even though I had swapped numbers with that guy, we never texted after that and he was two years older than me so I was a little shy to even bother.. But I was a little nervous about being late and I felt that it was important that I talked to him about it so I sent him a text telling him that I wanted to talk to him and then I told him that I was almost two weeks late. He asked me if I was on the pill and I told him what had happened and he understood and asked if i thought I should take a test I decided it would make sense if I did and told him I would buy one tomorrow and let him know.. He apologized and told me to text him when I got one. He was surprisingly really nice and understanding. I was still in my senior year in high school. I ended up getting a test and I took it and it was positive. I started crying and my knees were weak. I remember my mind literally racing I couldn't even think I was really scared. I was even too scared to call him. A couple hours after I got a text from him asking me if I took it or not. Right after that I went to my car and ended up calling him in tears. When I told him it was positive he was shocked and could barely speak. I don't think one of us said anything for 5 minutes until he said what are we going to do. It was a little awkward on the phone because we didn't know each other at all. He asked me if there was a pill that I could take and I told him that there was plan b but it had to be 48 hours after conception... me not knowing that there was such a thing as a medical abortion.

A couple days after that I went to the doctor to see if I was for sure pregnant. He made me do a urine test which came out positive, and a blood test but I had to wait a week for the results. During this week, me and the guy didn't talk once. It was really awkward and none of us really knew what to say. Plus, he was in the middle of his final exams and I'm sure he was really stressed out. Two days before the end of the week my results had come back and the doctor had told me that i was 5 weeks pregnant. I was so scared and I really didn't know how to act or even how to feel. I had a lot of emotions and thoughts flying through my head it was a really hard day for me. I didn't even want to look or speak to anyone. I texted the father saying "I'm pregnant." and right away he replied with "What do we do" I sent him a text back saying that I couldn't think and didn't feel like talking right now. Then he sent me a text back saying ok and to just call when I was ready to talk. An hour after I called him and I was crying yet again. He was upset and and i could tell he was scared but he was trying to just stay calm through it all. I could tell that he was a really good person and I was really comforted by him talking to me and saying things to make me feel a little more re-assured and calm. We started talking about our options, and he told me that he felt like he didn't think he was strong enough to go through with adoption and that he knows it would be hard on him to do that, which I felt like it would be for me too. We also discussed keeping it. As hard as it was, before I was pregnant I always said that I would always keep the baby but for some reason when it actually happened to me as much as I wanted to keep the baby it didn't feel realistic at all. I was 18 and haven't even graduated high school yet, and he was 20 turning 21 with 3-4 more years to go with school too. The big thing that made it so hard was that he lived in the states and I was from Canada. He told me that he didn't feel like he was ready for a baby and that we barely even knew each other.. and that he felt having an abortion seemed like our best option and that it wasn't because it was the easy way out but because it was most responsible thing that we could do at that point. And that line stuck with me throughout the whole thing. When he first said it, I believed that he meant it but I assumed like every other guy out there he was just saying that to get it over with and not have to deal with raising a baby but I actually think he believed that and meant what he said. After that phone call we had made our decision and decided that abortion was our best choice. the next week, we did some research and tried to find a place where i lived. It tore me apart and I had several days where I had second thoughts and I was scared and didn't feel comfortable with the decision anymore. Also, on top of this i was dealing with school and I felt verrrrrry sick. I had times where I felt like I couldn't even be in class. I felt tired non stop, I had a day where I had slept through 5 of my classes, I just wanted to be in bed forever, I was throwing up, my boobs were hurting, everything was miserable. I was missing a lot of school, and luckily since I already had a bad habit of missing school and being sick my mother didn't think much of it. That week I had decided that I wanted to visit my doctor to ask him if i could take anything to help me feel better in the meantime or if there was just something that was wrong with me. I went to the doctor and he had recommended me to another clinic to get an ultra sound done. I went... and she had told me that I was pregnant with twins. There was no way. It just seemed impossible to me. I barely even knew how we made one baby to begin with but two just seemed so ridiculous. (Also, my dad has a twin but I really never thought id ever get pregnant with twins in my life ever) I was shocked and more scared and the mentality of it all became so hard for me. I called the guy right after I had found out and I told him and he was just as shocked as I was. He was nice to me about it and asked me how i was feeling and apologized. He was also really sensitive to how sick I was feeling and how scared I was and kept talking me through it. That day I called the clinic and I booked an appointment for May 11th in the morning. The lady had told me all the information that I needed to know and what to bring, etc. and told me that I needed to arrange for someone to drive me. That made me incredibly nervous because I didn't really have anyone who could drive me. I was too ashamed to tell my friends and I knew there was no way I could tell anyone in my family. I was so upset that the father lived so far from me and he also felt bad that he wasn't able to drive me or be with me the day of. It was a nightmare. He suggested that instead of me telling a friend (he really didn't want me to tell anyone) that i could arrange for a cab to just take me. But... The appointment was 40 minutes away from me and I already had to pay $80 for the fee at the clinic. I just felt like I would be wasting too much money and I didn't have that much on me. I ended up taking the train down and then cabbing from the train station to the clinic. The guy woke up really early in the morning with me to talk. When I first got to the clinic I was crying and I had a very hard time going inside. I felt like I was making a huge mistake and I just wanted more than anything to not be in this situation anymore. I called the father and he tried to encourage me to go inside. He told me that he was going to be here for me the best way he can be and told me to just text him the whole time i was there and that he wasn't going to leave his room all day and he was going to be by his phone. I ended up going inside and the girl at the front desk gave me medical forms to fill out and she told me that I was going to be back in forth doing tests and stuff before the procedure. I was so scared and crying. I really wish I had told a friend so i wouldn't have to be alone in that waiting room. It was painful. Looking at everyone else was so hard and just sitting there knowing what i was about to do was the worst feeling in the world. I was so torn and back and forth with my decision that I knew I was going to feel bad after and regret it. The father was texting me the whole time i was sitting out there waiting. I first went in to see a consellor. She wasn't very heart warming or really was a "consellor" she just asked me if i had been raped or why i decided to do this.... it was quite short and made me feel like absolute **** when it was over. After a couple hours I had basically filled and read a lot of forms and risks etc. I had my levels tested, and was told about what my procedure was and what was going to happen. I was so ******* terrified. Before I was getting ready to do my procedure I had called the father and told him I didn't think I could do it. I ask him if we could just keep them because I felt like this wasn't the right thing. He was scared too and told me that we couldn't keep them and that we weren't ready and that we were doing the right thing. It was hard.

The procedure was painful. The sound of it was horrifying and I was bawling my eyes out. I felt like I had lost myself immediately. I felt like something so huge was taken away from me and I just didn't even know how to feel. I was so sore and cramping, one of the nurses had to actually help me put my sweat pants on. I was so upset and I was tired and on top of that I had to go into a cab by myself bawling my eyes out. I didn't even want to talk to anyone. I didn't want to go home and look at my mother or anything. I felt so low that day. I called the father crying so hard that he probably couldn't even understand what i was saying. He barely even spoke. He acted like he didn't know what to say and it seemed like he didn't even care and couldn't handle me acting the way i was. I hung up the phone because i was so mad and upset and when I got home i just went straight to bed. I cried in my bed that whole night. I wasn't even 100% sure at what my reasoning for crying was. I felt regret, but I still understood why I did it. It was just so intense and hard. I felt disgusting. I kept trying to call the father and he didn't pick up and told me that he was out for dinner with his family. I was shocked. How are you out for dinner with your family? There was no way i was able to do anything after what had happened and i felt like he was just going on with his day like nothing happened. I was so hurt that after all of that he wasn't even there to talk to. I kept pestering him asking him when he was done and he just kept being like idk i'll try to sneak away soon and he never did. Hours passed and it just felt like he was straight up ignoring me. I was so emotional and hormonal I sent him a long text telling him how angry i was that he was ignoring me and out when i was so sad. looking back i felt like i over-reacted and i seemed to have forgotten that he was dealing with the same thing i was. He sent me a big text back saying that if i wanted him to call that he could call and that i had to realize that he was trying to deal with what just happened too and that his way of dealing with it is to try to get his mind off of it. I felt bad being so mean to him because he had been so supportive to me but i was sad. The next couple days i had a hard time leaving my bed. I would literally just listen to sappy music, feel bad for myself, remind myself about what had happened, thought about them a lot, looked up songs about it all etc. I also texted the guy 6000 times a day to the point where he was probably annoyed of me. It was also mothers day somewhere in that week on top of that. It was awful. The weeks after that were bad. I was depressed and angry all the time. I didn't even want to go to school. (its beyond me how i even graduated.) I faked a concussion and was able to miss a lot of class because of it. I just couldn't do it. My mom walked in on me crying a lot and knew i was sad but she never understood why. It was really hard crying and not being able to tell her what was going on. she kept thinking it was because i was stressed with friends and school and university next year but there was just no way i could tell her what happened.

As time went by me and the guy became distancing ourselves from each other. He told me he was here for me always and that he was going to help me get through this and he kept telling me that he was still having a hard time with it too and he was feeling the same way i was but i found it really hard to believe. he seemed like he had moved on and was carrying on with his life which made me more upset. I felt like i couldn't do anything the same. I felt like a different person. I was so torn apart and i still sort of felt sick originally, i was planning to take a pregnancy test again to just make myself feel worse.. but when i took the test and it came up positive. I was shocked. I didn't know if this was because i still had the hormones or what was going on. I immediately texted the father and told him. He was confused and thought the same thing i did. my mind started running and i came up with the conclusion that it might have been possible that the clinic could have missed one of the twins. I started to become happy and felt that i had a second chance to make things right and that I could finally have this baby. After i asked him if it was possible he started getting nervous and told me to go see a doctor asap about it. (i left out the part of me being happy..seeing as he was not) I called the clinic and told them about what was going on and she said that it was possible that i still have hormones making the test come out positive but she said since it was after 4 weeks that she thought i should come back in for a check up. The day after, since it was the weekend I drove up to the clinic and met with a different doctor. She ran a couple tests on me and checked me to see if everything went as it should've, etc and i had told her about what was going on and she had informed me that i had something called an "incomplete abortion." I was happy until I had found out what that meant. Two of the nurses sat down with me and told me that part of one of the babies and pregnancy tissue left inside of me. Which meant that I had to go through a second procedure to get rid of it so it didn't cause any problems and make me sick. I was horrified. I was so excited and happy and I felt like my world was crashing down on me again. Going through another procedure was an absolute nightmare. The nurses asked me if i wanted to go through with the procedure the day of but i wanted a bit more time and to talk to the father before. I called him and told him what was happening and he couldn't believe it. I was scared to go through that again and was breaking down. He ended up flying down to where i was that day to be with me and support me through it. He drove me to the clinic, sat with me in the waiting room and was there for me after the procedure. (ill spare the details of the second procedure, i know this post is long) I was more miserable coming out of that clinic and i felt like i was being punished. the father held me really tight in the parking lot as i cried and we drove back home in silence. Luckily my parents were gone for the weekend visiting friends up in kingston so we were able to be with each other without my parents mad. I went straight to my bed again when i got back and he lay down with me and held me while i cried. he cried a bit too. it was really hard. i felt like i literally hit rock bottom and i don't know how any of it happened to begin with. I wanted them back so badly. It was so hard for me to tell him that. He told me that it was going to take time for us to emotionally start feeling better about things and that he was always going to be there for me. And he stuck to his word. After that weekend, we became extremely close. We spoke everyday and he would check up on me or call me whenever i was having a bad day. He would mail me things to make me smile and make me mixed cd's of his favourite country music and songs to help me feel a little better. And he came back down to visit me in July and met my parents. We felt really close with each other and we talked about it a lot and talked about what life would've been like if we kept them... I visited him in the states in August and I met his family.. etc. I was still struggling with feeling alright by that time, but each step of the way he was there for me helping me through it all. I don't think i'll ever or have ever met a guy as nice as he was and as caring as he was. I can fully say that i love that guy with all of my heart. I am the luckiest girl ever to have gone through that with someone who was a stranger, and ended up like that. It's December now and their due dates are coming up and i'm getting a little bit emotional again.. I've just finished my first term in university and i have just been doing a bit better with dealing with things. I've been having a lot better days than i used to. Me and the guy still talk and are somewhat seeing each other now.. although, the distance is still tough. But even now, we're still here for each other when things get hard. That summer was so intense and i will never forget any part of it. The music i listened to, the things i did during that time, the movies i watched all remind me of every bit of what happened. I miss my babies more than anything and would kill to have them here with me right now. But i guess after all that pain i'm finally beginning to realize that it really was the right thing to do. The guy always told me that it was going to take time and I was always so frustrated because i felt like i was never going to get passed it all but he was right. Now that I'm at school I find myself more distracted and try to not give myself too much alone time (because thats when i really start thinking about it and get depressed) but I am finally beginning to realize why we chose what we did. It is still so hard to realize and think about it i know that one day i will have a family of my own when i am ready.. I go crazy when i see babies now I always wish they were mine. But i know when i have babies of my own i will love them more than any of mother would. There will never be a day where i don't think about them. 

morestronger morestronger
18-21, F
1 Response Dec 8, 2012

Your nickname fits you well.I hope you heal and do well in the future.There will be anti choice nuts who will try to make you feel bad about your decision.AVOID THEM.They are bitter uninformed hateful people who have nothing to offer.
Have as good a day as you can and I am here if you want to talk.

Thank you so much, I really appreciate you taking the time to comment and for the kind words!

You are most welcome.I am here for you anytime you wish.Peace and joy.