My Abortion Story: He Wanted To Keep Our Baby But I Didn't...

!!Please don't get scared away by the massive novel length of my story!!

Searching through the web, I rarely find an abortion story with the daddy wanting to keep the baby and the mommy doesn't. I have read a few good stories on how men feel in that position, but I still would like to know more. I would also like to get to know others who might have been in the same situation. Regardless, I feel the same pain you all feel and here is my story for the ones who are curious about a father who wanted his baby while the mother didn't. The moral of this story is to live for yourself, fight for what you believe in and never ever live in fear of others.

Our situation before the abortion:
It all happened in August when i found out i was pregnant. We are both 25 and have been dating since we were 18. We were best of friends and haven been through thick and thin. We often talked about marriage and kids, it was it for us, we found each other. I liked on my own in a studio apartment, he lived at home temporarily after half year abroad. I was in my last stage of Master thesis, he was in his 3rd year of college. However, he has been in a bad place for a very long time (since 20); lost his motivation, drive and ambition. Hence, he is still in his 3rd year of college (he should have been done 2 years ago). We had no money, him being ALWAYS broke, no drive to get a part time job, or move further with his study. I lived on borrowed money. We were poor but we were happy. I stuck out with his because I saw potentials in him, he is a good person, intelligent, smart, driven etc but he just sunk into a bad place. Eventually I started to wonder how long it would take for him to get out of that hole and move on. I wasn't sure whether this is his true attitude towards life in general or whether he was still in the hole which he would eventually come out of. We also come from different cultural background: him more liberal, mine more conservative. We have talked about accidentally pregnancies before, and I simply told him it was not possible before marriage and I would consider abortion, because it's a shameful thing in my culture and I don't want to bring such a headache to my family. He would simply tell me that he would never forgive me if I would.

The pregnancy:
Early on in the week, I was so pushed to the limit with his passive attitude towards life that I told him i wanted to end things if he continues this way. later on that week, I found out i was pregnant. He was scared but over the moon. I never mentioned the word abortion because i thought he knew what i was going to do. same day he went straight back to his parents' house and told them they were going to be grandparents with a BUT. It was bad timing too because were going on a family holiday for a month...three days after we found out. I was 6 weeks pregnant. I was directly appointed to an abortion clinic by my doctor because they were try to get it fixed before i leave in 3 days. it was all happy happy because he wasn't aware that it was a abortion clinic. I too thought it was more of a clinic for people who didn't know what to do. it was even more shocking when they said i could abort that day. it was hell in there, he was crying, i was crying. for me it was matter of when to do it: now or after my holiday. for him, he thought he could still change my mind and weigh out our options on how to raise our baby. When i decided to do it on that day, it broke his soul, he cried and begged but he knew he couldn't physically drag me out of the place against my will because he wanted to respect my choice. in the end I didn't it on that day. I thought if i could give him time to say goodbye and give him peace, I was glad to do so. we went on holiday (family visit). 3 weeks later when i was 9 weeks, I went to the abortion clinic with a friend.

His fight for our baby:
He cried every night on holiday. He carried very single bags I had, literally carried me in the palms and treated me like a queen. For a minute I thought i had the motivated, driven and ambitious him back. He say he'd marry me now if it meant for me to keep the baby. he will work 2 jobs whatever it takes, it won't be easy but he'd give his life if it meant our baby's life. He understond that I was scared of my family but he told me he will fight for me for thier approval. He will aprove to them that I am not a failure. He got his parents to support us on housing, a job for me, money etc. He fought till the last minute during my appointment. His parents even called me up, crying, telling me that it was my choice and they hope i make the right one.

My Reasons:
Fear of disappointing my parents, my family, my whole life was about making my dad proud, doing what he says and prove that I was not worthless and incompetent: who will i be with a baby out of wedlock? This was the main fear I couldn't overcome at the time. I also felt I was mentally not healthy at the stage to be a good mother. I let my dad rule my life, i was going to let him rule my baby's life too. I just wanted to protect my baby from all the bad things that i know was going to happen if i let my it come, and i will not be strong enough to protect it from them. I just wanted the world for my baby. Other reasons were that i was scared to depend on my boyfriend fully because he has given me any reasons to in the past 5 years. all of the sudden, now, he will change for someone?? I had my doubts. it was all talk, i saw no action. I felt like if I keep my baby, I'd lose everything that I have and am. Was I happy when i got pregnant? Yes. But my fears were too strong and it blocked all connections i could have with my baby. When i thought about keeping it, all i could think was how to fake my own death and disappear. I didn't want to get attached because i knew i JUST COULDN'T keep it. I rubbed my belly when i slept everyday in the last week and cried "sorry I can't keep you".

My healing:
I went to counsellings because I became suicidal, I was grieving for my baby, my relationship that i just lost and my toxic relationship with my dad. I lost all respect for myself. I didn't just kill my baby, I killed myself. I feel lost, I don't know who I am, what I like or what I want in life. I learned that I aborted for the wrong reasons but at that time, I really wasn't capable of making any other choice than that because I had a lot of growing to do. I stopped my baby's growth so I could grow and have a life for myself; a life of my own without constent fear of dissapointing my family. I thank my baby everyday for saving my life and giving me second chance so I can truely experience what living is. I learned to accept my decision, I am at peace with it. but it doesn't mean i won't be sad about it. I miss my baby everyday. I named it Tiny because I don't know the sex. Tiny is my favorite place to visite, it's the only place where I can be Tiny's mommy and Tiny is my world, and together we are happy and free. I pray and beg God (even though i am not religious) everyday to bless me to have my baby visit me in my dreams, so I can see how Tiny looks like. Tiny was very much wanted and loved.

My relationship after abortion:
He came to keep up his things after it happened. But we still love each other and it just won't die. we were also still very sexually attracted to eachother. It's always good and fun with eachother, everytime we see eachother, we feel like 18 seeing eachother for the first time. we smile and just can't even help it. we cut all ties for more than a month because he said he cant be with me after what i did, he told me he hated me and can never see me in the same light. he never went to look for help and won't talk to his parents about it. completely ignored it and moved on, then came back to me hoping he could help me with grieving. we went back being like a couple until we ran out of superficial things to talk about and it become awkward, because we used to talk about everything and anything and now half of it is taboo. My spirit was broken and he saw it and thats when he realized he needed help too. after that he hit rock bottom and told me that "we" won't be happening. I told him I'm holding on because first time I didn't fight hard enough, second time around, i am not making the same mistake. He got himself together and we continued for a few more weeks. he got a temporary job, had money, quit his study that he was struggling to like for years. we were happy. Then his job ended corruptly, I broke down again, he freaked out and ran. He has been kind of running away from me for 3 weeks now, just avoiding any serious conversations, i haven't seen him since either. i just finally broke and called out for him to talk 2 days ago. I told him i really want to talk, he agreed but i know he is running. He takes very long to answer and keeps on postponing things. in turn, i feel abandoned and suicidal all over again.

I feel utterly alone. I feel like if i lose him, I lose the last piece of me. I had failed my baby, him and myself, they are suppose to be my life. instead, I tuned my back on them and picked what other people would think of me.....My parents don't know any of this. I miss them too, but I am not strong enough to handle being around them too much right now. Some days i feel like i can move on, even without him. Other days, i just want to die in his arms so I can be with my "own little family" forever.

Overall, I see light at the end of the tunnel. I don't want to lose hope and faith, I know I am strong :) I am moving slow, but one day I will be running. for now, everyday is a victory!

My heart goes out to all of you, mothers, and our babies in heaven

daniflower01 daniflower01
22-25, F
5 Responses Dec 16, 2012

That was a very touching story... I fell like you are a stronger person because of your experiences.

You are a good girl.
God will take care of you. hope in Him and go by His ways and in time you will live His beautiful plan.

Dear dani,I also had a child Grace in heaven.My wife was 8and a half month pregnant when her friend marriage hit the rocks and they separated. We being good samaritians drive down 600km i.e 9hours to see her and try rescue the situation.At the back of our mind we fear losing the baby...sure enough she stop moving when we came back.Have an unnatural birth followed by death cert and funeral all within 3 days.So don't grievelah to tell you frankly I think your dad is more worried about you than his face.That's how I feel. I advise you to move on if your present BF continues to be unmotivated.I have seen too many broken relationships with the boy having fun but is irresponsible.Even if it survive, finally when you are 36 or so things won't work out.So try to do this...Have a proper marriage counselling with him -this is the last chance.Discuss expectations, money,inlaws,long term goals-DRIVE and ambition.If it is too diverging it is better to separate now instead of continuing aimlessly living for the fun of it.Only yesterday I saw a patient who married her child hood sweetheart for 7 years after courting for 7 years. She is divoiced for 4 years,still good friends with ex who left her with aload of debts.Now 39 years has flown away and ex is getting married again.No matter what ,you are at the losing end witheach passing year...he will be more popular and you losing your charm.That is why your father wants to protect you from this unwanted hurts.I feel the same .We want a responsible man for you who will take care of you ALL the time.Not the enjoy and dump.If he is really serious he should try hard to win your family heart.I have to court. my wife,her father{grumpy},mum,6 sisters(present for each),2 brothers(1 to stay with us after marriage),1 nephew from irresponsible uncle, my ununderstanding and kiasu mum,sis and a non chalant brother,DISAPPROVING church leaders(Think my wife not holy,use her body to capture me} and save to pay for wedding and study loan...Tell me who has more trouble? I work v. v hard, save every sen give it to my wfe and children...and now after 28 years we are still happily married! Do ask your BF to get in touch with me for he needs a pep talk.HE have alot of work cut out for him before he can earn the respect of your father. First plan for marriage.It break a chinese father's heart that his daughter is living together with man without his blessing.He just cannot accept it.Second buy his heart.BF must work hard or study hard and give him some nice food etc.#rd spend some time trying to know theWHOLE family.BF don't court you, he court the WHOLE family!!!!IF he loves you he has no choice!Cos we think of life long LOVE, COURTSHIP and marrige.Not hit and run.Okay..take care and God bless!P.SKeep your abortion from them..They would haveforced you to marry your BF then if thy had known contrary to what you think.If you tell them will receive a shelling for being silly.And they will help foot the expenses.There are so many cases here in Penang....some 8 mth pregnant!on wedding clothes! To us marrige is a big thing so your BF MUST understand this...NO PLAY...PLAYHA! HA!Now you understand why I teach my sons to be responsible!

I am in tears from reading your story...because mine is sooooo very much like yours. You are my twin from across the planet. He wanted the baby...I did not...for the same reason. My family would disown me, it is taboo in my culture, i would bring shame to them, people who have always been there for me. My drive is to make them proud. I am graduating next semester. He is 2 years older than me, 25 living with his mom, a sloth, broke, always playing video games, hasn't had a job in years. We have been together for almost 4 years. He wanted the baby but did nothing for it...he didn't even discuss marriage or moving in together. After the abortion he didn't want to see me either but we got back together, we never talked about the baby. I realized a few days ago that he was cheating and decided to completely end it. I love him more than anything but for him I am not the one. Thank you so so much for your post. Thank you, I needed this so much. God bless you and tiny :)

Dear helen,
You can read my posting to dani.You made the right decisionGod will give you a new love that is true,so ask him!

I think maybe you both need some time apart. It sounds like you're both seeking love from one another to replace the love you both may not have for yourselves. I really think going back and forth dealing with this on top of abortion grief is probably making it that much worse.Is there anyone you can talk to in your family about this? <br />
<br />
It seems like your dad may not be that person but how about your mother or an aunt, siblings, etc.? Or perhaps seek counseling? A lot if clinics can refer you somewhere. Abortion is hard to get through alone for a lot of people. I was lucky to have my husband's support even if I couldn't talk with my family about it due to different religious views, and even being 100% sure about the decision and it being one I made for me it wasn't completely easy.

thank you for your reply! I completely agree with what you said in the first paragraph, it really does make it difficult on top of grieving. Somehow, i just can't let go of him. I am scared. I already feel alone. I can't talk to my parents. None of my friends get me, nor do I really want to burden them with this much longer. I am scared that i am not strong enough to get on without him. Even hearing his voice over the phone cheers me up...we are not hanging out or talk as much so we have already taken distance. Do you think we need to talk about it? or should i just let that go? honestly, i don't even know what to say. everytime, he is here, i chicken out and we just have fun instead.