A Lot Of Regret

(This is a bit long, I'm sorry). I'm 22 and would have been 23 when my baby was born. I found out I was pregnant about two weeks after losing my job. I live in New York City and was working for a major online news company making a good salary, but I hated this job. Then they unexpectedly let go of five people in one day.

A week later I broke up with my on-again, off-again boyfriend of two years because our relationship was miserable. For the first six months of our relationship he was in a relationship with his live-in girlfriend (she didn't know about me, of course). I finally had enough of being the other woman and left him but then a few days later he told me he broke up with her and she moved out. For the next year I never went to his place and he refused to spend the night at mine. He also never introduced me to his family and wouldn't even let me anywhere near his neighborhood. I had suspicions the whole time that he never actually dumped the girlfriend and that she was living there. Turns out, I was right. I broke up with him again after discovering she was still living with him and again he freaked out and promised me everything I had wanted. She "moved out" and I was finally allowed over but her stuff never left. Everything she owned was still in the house and she was calling and texting him all the time—he would just try to hide it from me. During all of this he was also emotionally distant a lot of the time, would relentlessly make fun of me, would go days without speaking to me, never answered when I called him. He finally "let" me back over after I lost my job.

I just couldn't take the disrespect so I broke up with him. A week after that I found out I was pregnant. He came over (since I wasn't allowed back at his house because I would find lipstick on his towels or his ex-gf's hair everywhere). He didn't give me even one minute to discuss the option of keeping it. I know that 22 with no job is not a great position to be in to have a baby, but he's 31, owns his own company and lives in a 6 bedroom house in the Bronx—essentially Westchester (his mom and brother live upstairs). But not for one second did he let me even mention keeping it. I felt very very pressured. He went with me to all of my appointments and was going to pay for everything—it turned out to be free (this being NYC you can get an abortion done at your regular obgyn's office and apparently for free). He cried once and said he was devastated but still never once entertained the idea of keeping it.

Throughout the process he was kind and supportive some of the time and then mean and offensive at other times. In my sadness and desperation I wanted to get back together but he kept rejecting me—he had been trying to get back together up until I told him I was pregnant. After that he acted above the whole idea. Since all of this he has maintained not wanting to get back together but doesn't want us to be apart forever. He wants me to wait around for him but not move on and he wants to text me occasionally but not see me.

I'm moving on from him (or at least trying) but I can't get over the emotional pain from the abortion. I regret it so much. I wish I had at least given it a few days of thought. I was seven weeks pregnant—I could have taken at least two more days. I feel like I was forced into the abortion and wish I would have kept it.
ClarkStuff ClarkStuff
1 Response Jan 6, 2013

The anti freaks will jump all over your story about how "every woman regrets their abortion"This is just fuel for them.