Lost

I'm 20 years old and when I was 16 I experienced one of the most painful and unforgettable experiences of my life. something I personally think that no 16 year old should go through. I had been with my boyfriend since I was 15. He was my best friend before this and we got on so well. I started taking the pill when we started sleeping together. In October I missed my period. I didn't think anything of it as you don't always get a proper period on the pill. Novemeber came and I started to feel so tired I'd be asleep by 8pm. College and work were becoming horrendous. Then I started throwing up every morning and felt so sick on the way to work. I stupidly carried on believing I wasn't pregnant and I was possibly just ill. however, it use to play over in my mind. by the end of november I decided to man up and take a test repeating to myself that whatever the answer I will be okay. I took the test in the toilets at college, I sat there shaking with my finger over the test when I removed my finger I screamed and burst into tears. I was 16 years old and I was pregnant what on earth was I going to do. I immidately called my Father who lived in Dorset. I screamed down the phone 'Dad im pregnant and I dont know what to do' he calmed me down and promised he wouldn't tell my mum. My College teachers sat me down and asked me what was wrong I had no choice but to tell them which I did and they advised me to Abort. Abortions are always something i've been against and would never consider. I left college feeling so confussed. I sat on the train home and decided I wanted this baby more than anything. days went by and i read books adn learnt more about being pregnant hiding it all from my mum. When I told my boyfriend I wanted to keep it he wasn't impressed. we started to drift and it wasn't something we spoke about. He told me he didn't want it and he didn't want to talk to me about it again. I sat thinking and weighing everything up. That I was 16, I lived at home, I had a job, I was half way through college, I had no money, there was no room and after listening to what everyone thought I should do I made an appointment with my Doctor. My Doctor told me I was 13 weeks pregnant. she referred me straight away to a hospital in which I attanded with one of close friends because my boyfriend at the time was on tag. I went and had my scan which was horrible because I could see everything. I stayed really strong and held the tears back and waited to be seen next. the doctor told me that they would not perform the procedure on me because I was too far gone and it was a risk to myself. I sat and cried and begged her to help me. she referred me to another place that was private but furthur away. I went home and waited to recieve the letter with my appointment. I was 16 weeks at this point and still hadn't recieved a letter. I had a visiable bump that I really tried to hide and thankfully my mum was due to get married in 3 months so she was pre occupied with that rather tha noticing me. I finally got an appointment and went with my boyfriend. I had to have another scan which was horrible again. Finally at 18 weeks they gave me a date to go in. The morning of the day it snowed so much that public transport was not running as normal. we left at 6am to make our way there. They put me in a room and gave me some tablets to open my cervix and make the pregancy start to come on. We both sat in silence all day. I didn't even want him near me because deep down this baby was exactly what I wanted. I sat there for 4 hours thinking of what my life could be like with this baby. I was just more terrified as to what everyone esp my family and mother would think of me. I went through with it. I said goodbye to my bump before I went in and said sorry. I couldn't get my head round why all these people inc the doctors were so normal. this wasn't just any hospital it was like a slaughter house. I felt horrible being in there. It felt so wrong. When I came out of theatre I felt so empty and more alone than Id ever felt. I couldn't even stand my boyfriend near me. I didn't tell anyone and just carried on as normal everyday. I completely lost the plot started drinking my relationship went to shambles and I desperately needed help. 6 Months later my Mum found out and she was heartbroken. More because I didn't tell her and she couldn't be there. It caused so much tension to be in the same room as my mum or even mention the subject infront of her. I couldn't even be around babies infront of her. As much as the last 3 years have been hard I can honestly say it has brought me and mum together and I trust her more than anything and would never hesitate in thinking twice about telling her if anything like that happened again. It's been 4 years in feb. And It still hurts me. The pain I feel is horrendous trying to know what she would of been like or how my life would of been its absolutely heartbreaking. I struggle to be around kids and I love kids. Baby talk and clothes make me feel sick. I wish for my little girl back every single minute of the day. Was the worst decision of my life. Not one day goes by that I don't think of her. I always wonder what she would look life and if she would of had my eyes if she would of been a proper girlie girl. What her smile would of been like everything.. they all pass through your mind and you can't stop it from happening. I think she has forgiven me... She came and sat on my bed last year I was terrified until I worked out who it was.. So I know shes safe and I know she knows her Mummy does really love her and that I am sorry for he pain I caused but shes free and happy and watching over me. I attend counciling now which I think has helped a lot. I definately feel better but it will never bring her back just help heal the wound and help me move forward. My friend suggested I get a tattoo for her so I did some research and found loads of poems but I wanted something simple and really discreet for myself. The wording 'Too beautiful for this earth' stood out like a sore thumb and I immediately knew this is what I wanted. I booked in and had it done across my tummy 2 days later. It was painful but I sat and told myself why I was getting it done. As soon as it was finished I felt 10 times better and It made me smile knowing she would always have a part of me. So now im in a new releatonship and have been since July last year. Totally besotted with each other and its so weird because we have been friends for 5 years and we just click and work more than what anything does. When I got with him I knew his ex of 8 months was having his baby. She was the psyco rebound from the previous girlfriend. I didn't feel threathened by her at all and my boyfriend spent most of time hurling abuse at each other and he wanted nothing to do with it. I told him he should step up and he has. he is honestly great and still makes me feel like a princess at the same time. however, its all starting to get harder now she is about to drop and I have never felt so alone. The thought of knowing my boyfriend is having is first child with his psycho ex makes me so angry and upset. I envy her and wish It was me giving my boyfriend a baby. She has something I want and Im struggling to cope with it already. My boyfriend is aware of the situation with me and hes so surportive. But im scared that I will loose him no matter how much he tells me he loves me and wants me and I'm scared I won't be able to cope with the baby. All I want is my own family and i'm desperate although I know my time will come one day. Ive never spoken to anyone that has had an abortion so It would be really nice to see how other people cope being in this situation. I would appreicate any advice or help on either subjects.
An Ep User An EP User
1 Response Jan 9, 2013

It must have been hard ending your pregnancy so late. Make sure you look after yourself and don't get stuck in an unhealthy relationship, sounds like you're boyfriend has a lot of other things going on x