I Will Never Forgive Myself

Two years ago I was taken advantage of someone I already couldn't stand. He was a jerk who couldn't care less about me or anything I had to say. Several weeks later I found out I was pregnant by him. Ever since I was a little girl, all I ever wanted to be was a mom, and this completely shattered my world. At the time I was living with my parents, working at a job I hated, barely making enough money for me let alone a baby. But more than the financial issues, emotionally I was a disaster. He was one of my coworkers and every time I saw him, or smelled his cologne I had to go to the bathroom and heave. I was miserable, stressed, and felt backed into a corner. After deliberation, I decided to go through with the surgery. Sitting in the waiting room, I saw two women that caught my eye. One looked stressed and pale like me, the other was bouncing in like she was getting her hair done. She made me ill how lightly she was taking this, you could tell she had done this many times, and it just sickens me even now to think of it.
The jerk will never know that I carried his child for a small time, and I prefer it that way. Not a day goes by that I don't think about it, and to be honest, I don't want to stop thinking about it. I made my mistakes, and the closer we keep those to our hearts, the less likely we are to do them again. Nowadays, I am working at a doctor's office comprised mostly of women. At least 10 women I work with are pregnant at some stage, and there is not a week that has gone by since November that I have not heard that someone else that someone knows is pregnant as well. This bombardment has not left me, and it has stirred up so many more emotions than I anticipated. I have been sobbing uncontrollably for the last two days, and all I can think of is the life that I took, and the life that it lost.
Back two years ago, I told my mother matter of factly that I will never forgive myself for what I have done. Two years later, I now KNOW that I do not deserve forgiveness. I keep being told that forgiveness is what needs to happen, but I do not see that happening any time soon. I'm currently childless and believe it would be God's divine right if I were to never get pregnant again. Maybe that could be my penance.

~~Damned Aphrodite
An Ep User An EP User
3 Responses Jan 9, 2013

I too have felt the same way u have its a awful feeling but out of the blue as i was driving my car home late from wrk i happend to turn off the raido and at a stop light i looked up into the sky and told god i was sorry and wanted him to come into my heart and how my life changed since that night i herd a voice tell me prepair for me and i was a lil scared but oh how my life changed i know god forgave me for killing my own babies i dont even feel gult like i use too it was like he made me new it was the best feeling i have ever felt in my life and i know for sur god did forgive me i just thought i would share this with u because i know u can be forgivn and god will take all those feelings of guilt away he did this for me and all i did was ask despratley to him to change me since then my life is so much better i didnt relize how much i needed god in my life and forgivness but oh how i was wrong he is the one we need to forgive ourselfs and to change i just wanted to share thiswith u

As someone whose very pro-life I need to tell you, if you're sorry and have repented God has already forgiven you. You may feel as if you have done some terrible sin and don't believe you deserve forgiveness; but the fact of it is no one earns forgiveness it's a gift from God. That gift of forgiveness also cleans the slate for you and makes you just as deserving of happiness as someone who didn't commit the sin. Try not to beat yourself up anymore, because you've clearly learned and changed from what you regret. Also God loves you and I'm sure he doesn't want you to feel so terrible all the time. So try to forgive yourself, because I'm sure God already has.

Oh hun, don't be so hard on yourself. In my opinion you made the right choice. You were in no situation to bring a baby into the world. You said yourself you weren't making enough money to support a baby. every year billions of children starve to death. That is a far worse life for a child. You will have babies one day and they will be when you are ready and in a good situation to look after them. I fully support your decision. You don't NEED forgiveness because you havn't done anything wrong!