Struggle And Continue

I got pregnant when I was 18 years old with my bf at the time. Our relationship was rather unstable. There was much love, i suppose commitment but not a lot of communication and openness. First discovery of the preg we were agains abortion 100% and I was really willing to consider adoption so we went ahead and told our parents his family appeared more level headed but the lack of support felt abundant from both sides in my opinion. Needless to say I was very concerned with telling the public. My grandparents would be so disappointed and good bye life. The embryo child inside of my body made me uncomfortable, it hurts to say but I never felt like it was right. I might have been clouded by fear and forced myself against the ability to see any positivity. I was excited for about three days, browsing throug clothes, imaging what my daily routine would become. And after thinking I suddenly switched my decision to an abortion. And that was that. I told him, he didn't argue. Said he'd support whatever I chose(thank gosh) I could feel his relief to be quite honest. I knew I was going to be a single mom and I was weak. I couldn't see myself doing that. The process was simple. A pill & a few hours of pain. Much to my dismay guilt took a while to sink heart. I tend to block my emotions when they are too real, this was more real than I could master. For months after I could barely look at children, from infants to pre teens. All I could see was my horrible decision to take a life for my selfishness. We expectantly didn't last and life got easier to live. I've prayed countless times for forgiveness asking for my child to be taken on heaven,
Be save by him. Of course there's always the what if in my mind, I'm not sure if my decision was right or wrong but it was mine and I'm living with it. Somedays I want nothing more than to just be a mother thinking it'll make me complete. I look around and see all the young moms I went to school with and I know it's not a "happy" life but what's more incredible than creating and sustaining another's life. To influence in the ways you would of yourself. Positivity, strength. I don't know if I will or even should be blessed enough to raise a child when I am an adult. I have faith in the lords plan and what he desires for me shall come. It's certainly a hard "lesson" to overcome but in life you have to think and weigh and commitment. Something that I'm still working on, I struggle daily with my decisions no matter the size. Once things for sure, I'd never choose to destroy again. & would always recommend life .
Walkingonwater48 Walkingonwater48
18-21, F
Jan 12, 2013