After My E.d.d.

It's been 9months since my abortion at 11weeks and a little over 2 months since my due date passed. I'm able to go several days sometimes a week or 2 with out beating myself up over the abortion now... I am doing a little better emotionally handling this though I'm sure that I will never come to terms fully with what I did and I will always wonder.......who would my little baby have been? Sometimes I just break down in tears and just think about when I laid in bed with my hand over my womb and I spoke to my little baby the day prior about how much I loved him(I feel it was a boy). And how I was picking out names just a few days before the procedure was done....(I went in spur of the moment after a couple months of debating it) The first few months were so terrible I thought I would never be able to live a normal life.I was completely depressed,filled with anger, regret, sorrow, every negative emotion you can think of. I wish I could go back in time and do everything over to where I never even had sex... But then I think about how this baby was a blessing and that he has showed me so much that I didn't see in life, I am starting to realize how beautiful life is and can be. I think that everything happens for a reason and that I made the choice I did because I was supposed to. I know if I could I would go back and not have had an abortion but sometimes things happen so fast to where you really cant make a decision and then afterwards you feel so much pain and regret until sometime in the future you realize that was all apart of your lessons in life that if that something hadn't have happened then there wouldn't have been the positive changes in life all together even if it took years to happen or to realize. I think that I am becoming a stronger person since I had the abortion and that even though I am against abortion for myself, and I wouldn't ever have it done again, I truly believe my little angel up there in Heaven saved my life and that he fulfilled his role in my life. I believe that he or something kept me there at that clinic because no matter how hard I tried to tell myself to leave I just couldn't do it, and still to this day I ask myself why the heck didn't I run out of there??! And I really can not give another reason other than that I felt numb that day and it didn't completely sink in until it was taking place, because it was supposed to happen. I still cry especially a lot more recently since I know I would have been holding him, rocking him to sleep or singing lullabies right now as he would be 11weeks old today. but I thank him him for guiding me into a new and brighter direction.
MomyOf4 MomyOf4
22-25, F
1 Response Jan 14, 2013

Hi, your comments really helped me. I had an abortion 2 months ago. It hurts even to talk about it. I hate myself for what I did, but I know I was in a difficult position. Everybody is different, some people have the support and self esteem they need at the time to continue with the pregnancy. We are not inadequate because of the choice we had to make at the time. It's never an easy decision to make. Well it wasn't for me. I couldn't get out of bed for days afterward and beat myself up every second of every day, still. I didn't shower and didn't care for myself anymore, for about 5 days. I am slowly coming to terms with it, and comments like yours help. So thank you. The things that made me the most angry is that, I realise they just wanted my money at that clinic, to take something so precious away from me. They were meant to call me afterwards because I checked a box for post counseling services... But they never did. I am in this on my own, and I feel so alone. My boyfriend made me feel ok to have the baby and that was my choice from weeks 5 to 7 and 7 to 9. But he does drugs and has for a long time. That made me crack under pressure and also the fact that he abused me physically and emotionally. He made me hate myself and feel trapped before I even got pregnant. How can I be linked with somebody for the rest of my life that made me feel that way? The thought that helps me now is that, even though I would be having a baby to nurture a perfect little being to call my child, I might not have been happy. A baby can bring you such joy, but I wouldn't have been happy with my life, myself. My mum has 8 kids, but she isn't a very happy person and has been through so much. I think mum issues influenced my decision as well. I hope one day I don't hate myself for what I did and can find happiness. I think my baby would've been a boy too :) and I hope he will come back to grace my life one day, when I can give him everything :'(

Thanks for your comment I appreciate the feedback! How is everything going with you now since it's been a couple more months? Slowly but surely I bet you are coming to terms and feeling better in general if not completely there already. This is a very difficult decision to make when it's a pregnancy that you may want to go through with. And the aftermath is terrible when you beat yourself up with what ifs and why did i's.. In the end, I believe that what ever decision is made (not forced) that it will be the best for the woman. Only time can prove this. :) Stay strong!!