The Day That I Felt My Heart Break.

It was December 18th that I finally took the pregnancy test.
Before taking it, I already knew what the outcome would be.

First I didn't know how to feel, then I felt nothing because I knew what I would do. I am a 23 year old single mother. My boyfriend or me are not ready for another child. Abortion. Again. This would be my 2nd abortion. My first one was when I was 16 years old.

The Day I Made The Phone Call.

It was 8:15 in the morning, December 28th. That day I went for the blood and urine tests and made an appointment with the nurse to see a doctor on December 31st.
Everything was easy and I had no doubt about the decision I had made. It was clear as a day that this was the right thing to do. I felt nothing. I didn't feel sad, or confused. It was almost like I dealt with it like I would deal with any other normal common thing. After the doctors appointment, I called in for the ultrasound and the first step of the medical abortion.

The Abortion.

I had waited for this day for so long. I had horrible pregnancy symptoms. Nausea, tender breasts. The day I went to the clinic they did an ultrasound. I was scared that what if the pregnancy had gone over 9 weeks, I really wanted to to the home medical abortion so I could do it in peace and quiet and the comfort of my own bed. 8+6weeks. YAY! I was excited!
I was so happy that I didn't need to spend any more time at the hospital than needed. I asked to keep the ultrasound picture - I'm not quite sure why.
I had spent time talking to the baby, a little bit as a joke - I don't know why I did that either. I remember a small moment where I felt kind of happy that I was pregnant, that moment passed quite quickly when I reminded myself that soon this fetus that is growing inside of me - won't.
The nurse took me to another room to explain the medical pregnancy process. I was to take the first pill that day in the hospital, that was the medicine that would make the fetus stop growing. In 2 days before 9 am, I would need to take the pain medicine they gave me and 30 minutes after those pills I would need to insert into my vagina to start the process of terminating the pregnancy. Everything was easy and clear to me, nothing special. That was Friday.

Saturday/Sunday

At 01:50 am Sunday I decided that the best thing to do was to start the abortion now, because that way I would not be waiting for anything and would have a chance to sleep through some of the pain.
After inserting the abortion pills, I went to bed. I had my hot water bottle next to me, some water and pain medication as well as a towel underneath me.
4:00 - The pain woke me up. It hurt so bad, but I tried to remember what I went though while giving birth to my daughter - that hurt more. I moaned from the pain. I took pain killers and tried to go back to bed. I fell asleep for about 15 minutes and then I woke up again. This time it hurt more, I thought that now there must be a lot of blood. I got up and went to the bathroom only to notice that there wasn't a single drop of blood on the pad I had on. I looked though my medical cabinet to see if I had any pain killers stronger than the Motrins I was taking. I was lucky to find some Panacod from the tonsil surgery. I took one and went back to bed.
5:15 - The pain was getting worse. I got up and went to the bathroom. I sat down - still no blood.
I sat there for a little while when I saw the tiniest drop of blood drip into the toilet bowl. I took some toilet paper and wiped gently this is when I saw it.

On the while piece of toilet paper was laying a small baby. It was only about 3 cm long. Just the fetus, I think I broke the sack while wiping. He looked so peaceful... Laying there on his side.. I say He because I had a feeling I was pregnant with a boy.
He was tiny and light pink, his skin was see through. I examined his tiny little body for a while, I saw his tiny see-though ribs getting formed, his black eyes. His intestines were in the shape of a heart. I looked at his face and saw his tiny little mouth and even his small nostrils. I moved his hands and legs a little, I saw the 'penis' - I know everybody has one until certain age when it either developed into a clitoris or a penis... But I found it a little funny.. His little fingers were laying there against his chest and toes against the toilet paper. He was almost a complete baby - just a miniature size.
I realized that I couldn't just flush him down the toilet, it would be too cruel. I felt sorry for my baby that I had just ended. I took it into my hand and felt his spine against my skin and then I put him on a clean piece of paper.

I pushed a little and the sack came out like a blob. The pain was gone. I wiped away the blood and put my pants back on. I put the fetus aside while I washed my hands and then picked him up again.
Walking to my room in the dark, I tried to protect the body of this unborn child so I wouldn't accidentally drop it. When in my bedroom, I saw an old contact lens case and I put him in one side and filled it with contact lens liquid. I closed it.
I will bury this child, because it deserves it.
I cry for him a little every time I think about what I had seen.

at 05:21am I was back in bed - I cried myself to sleep that morning. It was over.

Nobody prepares you for that. That you will see your baby fetus when doing a medical abortion. It will look a lot more like a baby than you could ever imagine and that is the moment when it all becomes reality.
You might feel regret, pain... But at the end of the day you need to remember the reasons for your actions and learn to forgive yourself.
Would I do this all over again? Yes. I know why I did it and I know it was the right thing to do for everybody.
I don't regret my decision to terminate this pregnancy, but I will be more careful with birth control. This was the second time this has happened to me and I hope it will be the last.
BabyButterflies BabyButterflies
22-25, F
1 Response Jan 14, 2013

i was only 4 weeks and 2 days along when i did mine, glad i did not see a thing.

You were lucky. My first abortion was 6+6weeks and this one 8+6 weeks.
Both times I saw the fetus. Both times it hurt.. I just didn't remember it hurting this much, but on the other hand.. From the first time - I have a huge gap in my memory of that entire time - I buried my baby and sat there crying and then I don't remember a thing for months forward... I can only imagine that the pain was too hard for me to handle and I've blocked it from my memory

did bleeding last very long afterward. its been almost 5 weeks and im still bleeding and passing clots

On my first abortion the bleeding stopped after 2 weeks. You should go see your doctor because 5 weeks of bleeding is not normal - at least that's what my doctor and the nurse told me. I hope everything is okay with you :)

thanks

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