Ten Years Ago...

I had an abortion. Ten years ago, it happened. It was the worst thing I had gone through at the time. I was 17, almost 18. Scared to death. I thought I would have the baby, but when I informed family, they launched their attack to get me to change my mind. Welfare, low income housing, no college for you, single mom, struggling, no job. Despite me saying I knew there was help out there, I wound up taking a two hour trip to the city that performed abortions. But before that, according to state law, I had to listen to how they did abortions over the phone. I remember covering my mouth to muffle the sobs while listening to it.
I went through with it. I had a local numbing agent and a Valium. I felt everything. I felt I deserved it. I still remember the ceiling of the room it was done in, a picture of a beach, supposed to promote relaxation.
As soon as it was over, I couldn't stop crying. I remember the nurses faces as I cried and cried. I felt so guilty. Ten years now, I still feel it.
Maybe one day I will get over it. I hope so. I still wonder if God forgives me. I am still afraid I'm going to hell. I know I did the right thing in the end. But the guilt? Do all women feel like this? To some degree? Is it because of all the pro life stuff we are fed? The damnation we will inevitably face if we choose abortion? I thought God forgives. So why have I been told I'm going to hell?
There's nothing anyone can say that could make me feel worse, I've pretty much taken care of making myself feel as much guilt as possible. I feel I deserve it. Or deserved it. It's been..,ten years. I want to know that It's ok to forgive myself.
An Ep User An EP User
1 Response Jan 15, 2013

Although I am 100% pro-life and do not support abortion for any reason I feel it necessary to tell you that you need to forgive yourself. The pain you are feeling is normal, you are constantly opening up that wound by beating yourself up over something that happened ten years ago. Sweetheart God is a merciful and forgiving God and the sooner you forgive yourself the sooner God can forgive you. I believe he already has, he isn't punishing you for your carrying this pain and guilt for so long your punishing yourself. No one is perfect we all make mistakes, and there are no black and white mistakes it's all the same. I'm sorry that you had to go through such a horrible time in your life. The key is to learn from it and make yourself a better person as a result of it. I hope you are doing good for yourself, ie in college, career or whatever path you chose that way the guilt of your choice does not haunt you as it has. I do not look down on you and blame you and I am sure you have many others that support you too. You made the best decision you thought was right at the time and that is all anyone can ask of you. Don't ruin your future with guilt, forgiveness is key. You can forgive but never forget.