I Don't Feel Regret. Just Sadness.

It's 6:30 in the morning I am still awake.

When I'm around people, I feel like I can forget about him - but I'm not around people all the time.
 
The past 3 days went by so fast. I said goodbye to my best friend as she left my apartment, I spent time with my daughter, with my mother and my sisters and everything seems to be okay... Well, until I'm alone again. My daughter goes to bed, people leave and I’m alone again.
It comes like a flood, it feels like a dam is falling apart and everything inside me floods. It hurts.
I don’t regret my decision, I don’t wish that I hadn’t done it – I just wish I would have never gotten pregnant in the first place.
Every pad I change, every underwear I put to the washer, every drop of blood I see is just another reminder what had happened and there is no escaping it. I know I deserve to remember and I deserve to punish myself for the abortion. I know that abortion is wrong, but I had no choice and I’m not against it in any way. I just wish I could forget it.
I am confused because I don’t know why I’m sad.
I feel so sad… I feel like something inside of me broke, shattered into tiny pieces like a broken mirror.
What I really want is to hold him in the palm of my hand, just one last time. He rests in the contact lens case filled with saline water (Contac lens liquid) and I am too afraid to open it… I don’t want to see what the salt has done to his little body… But I do wish I could just hold him and for the last time say my goodbyes and tell him how sorry I am that I never gave him a chance for like and how sorry I am for making him in the first place…
 
I don’t understand my feelings... I don’t feel that I deserve to be sad, but I do feel like I deserve to be punished. I wish the ground wasn’t frozen solid so I could I least lay him to rest into the loving arms of mother earth.
 
Almighty God we commend the soul of our brother departed, and we commit his body to the ground; earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust; in sure and certain hope of the Resurrection unto eternal life, through our Lord Jesus Christ; at whose coming in glorious majesty to judge the world, the earth and the sea shall give up their dead; and the corruptible bodies of those who sleep in him shall be changed, and made like unto his own glorious body; according to the mighty working whereby
he is able to subdue all things unto himself.
BabyButterflies BabyButterflies
22-25, F
2 Responses Jan 15, 2013

This is SICK! your a disgrace you 22 years old and already have a daughter! your tapped in he head you deserve to go to prison that is classed as murder.

I am 23 years old and I am PROUD to be a mother! I am PROUD to be strong enough to raise another human being! And I am not only proud of myself but also PROUD of my daughter because she is the sweetest and amazing little person I have ever met!
Murder is taking another persons life. Person is not considered living without a pulse or a heart beat. This baby did not have a developed heart. He did not have a heart beat. He was a shell of a person to be. I didn't murder anybody I only stopped the development of cells. He was my baby, but he wasn't big enough to be considered as a person. This is what I believe and there is nothing you can say or do that would make me feel like a murderer or bad about any aspect of my life - especially about being a mom.

Thank you for your kind words. And I am doing better everyday. I guess I just need to pray for forgiveness, maybe that will make my soul feel at peace with it...
I don't support abortion, but I would never be against it. Even adoptive family doesn't always mean a good family in the longer run. There would be so many unwanted children in this world if it wasn't for the option of terminating an unwanted pregnancy. I don't feel bad about doing it... I just simply feel bad.

It is a natural response to the death of someone you would have loved unconditionally.

I just don't understand why... Because I don't regret what I've done... I don't feel like I've killed my child, but I mourn his death... It's bizarre...

Because you are a good person?
Perhaps it's apart of the atonement for what you've done from your subconscious (or God).
You said it yourself, you know abortion is wrong, your child is dead when he could be alive.

That's the thing, you are grieving for your child. Because of the circumstance, the situation etc it's effecting you.. If you need to bury him then do so.

It will pass I suppose, other new memories will crowd it out with time. And like you said this may be punishment, I suppose atonement would be making sure that abortion doesn't happen to you ever again.

Thank you for feeling this way, it is okay to be sad and to grieve.
Maybe talk to someone near to you and express that you want a mini funeral to give closure?