With Love, But Without Regret

I never thought about what I would do if I had an unwanted pregnancy. When it happened, I just knew I was pregnant, even though I was only 2 weeks along. I just knew that my body was different. Before I scheduled the pregnancy test, I didn't really consider what I would do. But, the day I did find out I was pregnant, I did not hesitate when I asked for information on clinics that perform abortions. I was 20 and attending a prestigious college. I was the first in my family to do so. I never contemplated what it would be like to have the baby. In my heart I had known that I was pregnant before I showed any signs or symptoms, but in my heart I also knew that I would not have this baby. It wasn't because it would ruin my career plans or disappoint my family, I just knew intuitively that it was not the time. However, I also knew that I still loved the being growing inside of me. During the 4 weeks prior to the scheduled abortion, I sent the being thoughts of love and positivity. It sounds twisted now that I write it down, but I really did want the being to feel love and acknowledgement during that time. 8 years later, I still struggle over the idea that I was able to love the being but not bring it into existence. I never intended to just forget about the experience and move on with my life. I believe it happened for a reason and I learned from it. If anything, I gained a deeper understanding of myself and the impact of my decisions. I do not regret my decision, and, yet, I still love that being. I call it Baby A, and I stilI think about how I asked to keep a picture of the ultrasound. I wonder if this is a common experience.
An Ep User An EP User
1 Response Jan 20, 2013

I had a somewhat similar experience, although I was younger at the time. I was 17. But I knew I was pregnant before I did a test. I immediately scheduled an abortion. But I had to wait three weeks before it happened. At the time, I was with an abusive person, and every time I felt alone, or scared, I would mentally speak to the baby. Even though I knew I would never see it take it's first breath, I took comfort in it's presence. Maybe it is messed up, I'm not sure... But I did the same thing. I'm sure it's more common than anyone lets on.