Same ****, Different Day. I Guess.

I'm sure a lot of people won't care about this, but I can't talk to anyone in my life about what I've been through, and it tortures me every day.
I was in an abusive relationship for five years. I got pregnant for the first time when I was 17. At that point I had been with him for 2 years. Yes, I was young. And stupid, I admit it. I'm not saying I wasn't partially to blame, because I was. I had a superman complex, if you will, and I thought nothing worse could happen to me.
I was on and off birth control at the time. I felt I couldn't leave him because when we first started seeing each other he was... himself. For lack of a better explanation. Apparently schizophrenia doesn't show itself until late teens to early 20's. He started going off the deep end around the same time I got pregnant for the first time. All I knew was that I was still in high school, he was losing it, and that even if I had the baby I wouldn't be able to give him/her up for adoption because once I saw that little face, it would be impossible. Was it selfish? Absolutely. I know that now. But I was so lost and confused at the time, and so young... I didn't know what else to do. He wouldn't come with me, to the clinic. I found out later he was with another girl.
Some friends of mine took me. On the way there, I made dead baby jokes. I was so far removed from myself, I didn't realize how messed up it was. As we walked past the protesters, I just flipped them off; made more jokes. The rest of the day is a blur. But it still haunts me.
After that I still stayed with the same boy. (He will never be good enough to be considered a man. Even though he was older than me.) I honestly don't remember much of the relationship. Just that the hitting continued. The mental abuse. Calling me fat, pathetic, useless. Accusing me of cheating, even though he was the one who cheated on me with at least seven girls. Who knows how many times with each.
I stayed with him out of love. Yea, I was young. But try to remember back when you were 17, 18, 19. Sure, I was naive. But at that age... You are capable of love. I loved that Crazy boy to a fault.
I stayed. I was on birth control but I got pregnant again. AGAIN. In the same year.
I waited until I was 18 so I wouldn't have to tell my mother again. In the state I live in, if you're under 18 you have to get permission from a parent. I couldn't do that to my christian mother again.
I considered keeping this one. Even wanted to. Desperately, actually. But when I told him this, he leaned against me and said "I won't let you ruin my life." Then he walked into his parents room and grabbed their shotgun, and pointed it at my head.
Looking back, I know now he wouldn't have shot me. But at the time, it scared me so badly that I felt I didn't have another choice.
I waited, ten weeks into the pregnancy. I haven't looked into the development of fetus's for a reason, but I have learned that their hearts have started beating at that point.
I have killed a child. Two, actually.
How on earth do you live with that?
Granted, if I had kept either of them, the child's life would have been horrible. His/her father would have been an abusive schizophrenic, and his/her mother would have been a suicidal, depressed daily cutter, with two families that did not approve.
But did that give me the right to play God?
Every time I see a baby now, I think about what either of mine would have looked like. Their eyes, especially. Despite his many faults, Cody had the most beautiful eyes I had ever seen. And combined with mine... They would have been breath-taking. It's silly what we choose to hold on to. But that's what I think about.
I don't know what I'm expecting anyone to say.
Actually, I expect no one will say anything at all.
But I needed to get my story out. No matter how normal and insignificant it may be, it still effects me every day.
SunshineOnACloudyDay SunshineOnACloudyDay
18-21, F
2 Responses Jan 21, 2013

Thank you for responding... I really do appreciate it. Logically I know I made the right choice both times, but for some reason I cannot get past it. It has been at least two years. I think it might be close to what you went through. Partially, anyway. I haven't really acknowledged any of it until very recently. I'm sure one day I will accept it.

I am sorry to hear that you are going through this. It appears you have had a lot to deal with in a short space of time, I hope that you are receiving the support you need and deserve. You have expressed that you recognise the reasons why you made the decisions that you did at the time. However you seem to be punishing yourself for your rationality, and for that reason I'm not surprised that this is having such a negative effect on you. So many children are brought into this world that aren't wanted, or don't develop in a nurturing environment, are neglected and I personally think that should be avoided when possible. Sometimes things won't always go the way we planned but you took control and rectified the situation when you were able to, you have made one of the most difficult decisions a person can make and that takes courage. I had an abortion, ignored and remained emotionally detached for a few years until one day it caught up with me, for some time I suffered in silence and felt an overwhelming guilt. Talking about it helped me to realise why I felt so negatively. I realised that things won't always go to plan, remembered how I was at the time and knew that even years later I wouldn't have been ready for that responsibility still. It did take a little time but after a while I stopped questioning my integrity and knew I had made the right decision. Believe me, there is nothing insignificant about the way you are feeling and the situation. You are obviously a conscientious person and I hope that soon you will start receiving the support you need so that you can work through this. I'm here if you ever want someone to listen, take care