Cruel Joke

today makes it seven days since my last abortion and it really amazing how much you can want what you had when it is gone. I loved my baby and i still did it ...I DON'T even know if my reasons were significant. I am 42 and my boyfriend plays these mind games with me.I have been with him for what seems like forever and accidentally got pregnant back in August it turns out that it was in my best interest and the baby to have an abortion so i did all the while begging God for courage....I felt so empty after that i wanted a baby i did everything right and by December i found out i was pregnant again. I did swore to myself it would be okay...Then i found pictures that my boyfriend took of our home.It turned out he was in court with his wife in a custody case..He did not tell me and when i asked him he treated me like i was a stranger.He told me that everything he had was for his child and he never wanted a baby from me again.I was numb and although i wanted my baby i did not think i could do this on my own.After all he knew we were trying to get pregnant... I felt like i could not think.I doubted myself ...I struggled with the decision to have a abortion and i told no one.I hate myself for not being strong enough to do what my heart was telling me.I guess i got broken over the years and never realized how badly till now.I am so empty inside all i can think of is my baby.I look at my boyfriend and now i hate him for what his actions led me to do.I keep wondering what if i did not find out about the pictures or about all the other secrets he keeps from me.What if i had told him? All the what ifs are useless and i know that...Now seven days later he wants me to be a accept his child in my life.Such a cruel joke.I don't want to all i want is my baby.
Angali1 Angali1
Jan 21, 2013