I Would Have Been 18 Weeks...

Is it normal for me to want see how the pregnancy would have progressed had I carried the baby to term?

I find myself randomly looking up what I would have expected. I cry every single time.

But today... I completely broke down. I always think what could have been if I kept my child. I cry randomly about it. I wake up in the middle of the night and cry. And some days, I feel I did the right thing.

Is it weird that I kind of think about being pregnant? Or that I want a baby?

I definitely don't have the time, money or stable situation. I just feel like I'm the only one feeling this way.

Sometimes I regret my decision but I know I would not have been able to take care of him/her.

Although my ex and I still talk, I don't know if he feels about how things could have been. Sometimes I hate to look at him but I think I love him but I know for a fact I cannot be with him. We aren't meant to be forever. I know that now. -_-

After a woman has an abortion, is it normal to want a baby or miss being pregnant?

Although, I was nauseous at the sight and smell of food, sleepy all the time, physically exhausted for minimal work... I kinda miss being pregnant.

I just found out that a friend of mine had a miscarriage at 32 weeks. It breaks my heart to know that although she wasn't ready for a baby, she kept hers with the intentions of raising him. And I did not have any intentions of raising a child. However, if I could have, I would've.

I feel guilty at times. But I pray that I can forgive myself. I pray that I can get my life on track. Because I don't want to fall into a life of drinking.

I pray that God forgives me for all of my sins.
Novakane Novakane
18-21, F
Jan 22, 2013