The Right Wrong Choice?

This is long but I feel like it needs to be to get everything out.
I've been seeing this man since September 2012. We've known each other since I was about 14 and he was 18. We hung out occasionally, mostly at local concerts. When I moved away two years later we lost contact. I moved back to our town July 2012 and we quickly started talking again. He had a girlfriend whom he was with for a year in September.
Neither of us really meant for it to happen but we started to have feelings for each other, and after a night of drinking we ended up in bed together. We knew it was wrong, being as he had a girlfriend and I had a boyfriend (although mine was of only a few weeks), but we couldn't help ourselves. I found myself hanging out with him more and more and spending the night when his girlfriend wasn't over. Around late November I realized that I had started to fall in love with him. He confided how he felt before I did, but he said he needed to give his girlfriend a chance too, even though he was no longer happy in their relationship he did not want to make her unhappy.

In early December she supposedly broke things off with him. I was ecstatic. We went on an overnight trip together, I felt more comfortable expressing myself to him.
January 9th I went to the doctor's to have new birth control prescribed and as is necessary they did a pregnancy test, and boom; I was positive. It wasn't until the next day that I told him. He was terrified. He told me that I should have an abortion because neither of us were ready (financially, emotionally, mentally) to be parents.
It has been against my morals since I knew of it to abort a baby. I believe a life is a life no matter how tiny or new. I told him as much and he just kept reiterating how scared he was. I asked him to take me to my blood test and then to my ultrasound a week later. He agreed. The blood test said I was about 6 weeks and I went to his house that night. All night he kept making comments about how it was a curse and if he could get rid of it he would (but in a joking manner). Up until the ultrasound he kept telling me over and over how scary it was and how he was emotionally distraught over the thought of becoming a parent. He would state the fact that both of his parents weren't there for his childhood and then say that he knew he'd be like that too. He wouldn't let me stay the night. Would shy away from physical displays of affection and would only tell me how much he loved me and how if I would just get an abortion everything would be normal again and he'd still love me.
The ultrasound was done on January 16th. He was in the room when they showed us our 7 week old baby. After the ultrasound I stopped at my step mothers office at the hospital to show her and he went to smoke. When I got to his car his back window was shattered and his hand was bruised. He once again stated how terrified he was but that he was now doing his job as a father and being there for the appointment even though it caused him such emotional distress.
It was a few days later that he texted me and said that he told his mother and she had cried. I asked if it was just him and her and then he revealed that he had asked his ex girlfriend (the one he cheated on with me) to pick her up and sit with him and his mother while he told her.
Being pregnant an hormonal I was livid. This ex girlfriend had taken a pocket knife and shanked his air mattress and put the knife in his wall when he told her.
He told me that having her there to tell his mother was justifiable because she was angry and he could deal with her because he knew how to handle her being mad.
Although she was mad and he had cheated for months now she said she forgave him and would help him through it. Oh and by the way he told her we only slept together once and she made the claim that I had "tried" to get pregnant or I would've said yes to an abortion right off.
It was after this that I told him I didn't want her to have anything to do with our child. If he chose to be with her she wasn't allowed at the hospital, she would have no input, she wasn't to buy the baby clothes or supplies or even be around the baby alone or with him. He told me that because I had made my choice to keep the baby without taking his advice that I would have no say in what he chose or who our child would be around. And then he told me that it could still be solved and everything would go back to normal and that he lived me and was just confused.

January 17th I finally caved. I couldn't stand to see him in the emotional pain anymore and was convinced that he meant it when he said he'd be there for me through the abortion and after and everything would be alright.
January 19th he took me to the clinic. I decided on the medical abortion and we went back to his house after I had taken the first pill. I felt so happy that he was finally acting more normal.
The next morning we woke up and knew I was going to take the second dose and would be in terrible pain all day. He knew this. He promised to be there through it the day before, and then he said it was his brothers birthday and he was going to go see him. He left 10 minutes before I took the second dose and I thought nothing of it. I accepted that he needed to be with his family and was probably scared to watch me in that much pain.
I was literally dying for hours. Vomiting, horrible cramps and heavy bleeding. At one point I finally left the house to go outside and smoke and saw that his car was still there. I became a little suspicious since I knew that no one in his family had a car (they all take PT) an the only person who could've picked him up was his ex. I dismissed the thought as crazy hormonal stuff and went back into lay down.
Finally he came back, 6 hours after he had left.
That night was less painful. The next morning we woke up and stayed in bed for a while. I tried to give him a kiss but he shirked away in a joking manner so I laughed it off. Then I told him I loved him and he jokingly said he couldn't hear me. But then I said it a few more times and he just kept laughing and wouldn't say it back. I felt dejected. I asked him to take me home and he did. He hadn't said a word to me until I texted him today. Even then it was few words and when I asked him what was wrong he said that he was giving his emotions time to settle.


At this point I know that my abortion was not done because I wanted it but because I wanted him to be happy and truly believed that everything would go back to normal. But now I'm questioning if this was true at all. He promised to be there while I was in pain and he wasn't. He promised to support me but needed prodding to finally say two words to me. I feel so terrible and even just typing this realize how awful this sounds. But I love him. And I loved our baby no matter how little it was. I literally feel like the stupidest person for believing him but this huge part of me still wants to believe that it will be ok.

Sorry this isn't a positive abortion experience, I feel like for some women it is the right choice but am so crushed by my decision.
Thank you to whoever made it through all that. I feel better knowing that it's all out in the open now. I need the support and the assurance that everything will be alright.
An Ep User An EP User
Jan 23, 2013