June 9th

I found out I was pregnant on mothers day. how ironic, right? my boyfriend, his sister, and I went to the mall and I was just sick. as soon as I threw up I knew . my period has always been irregular so I didnt worry too much. until the morning sickness hit. Im only eighteen. I was scared. I was scared to tell my boyfriend. my best friend. I didnt know what to do. I cried so much because I knew deep down that there was no way I could raise a baby. I had these thoughts though, these dreams. how big id get, how cute my little one would be. I started to believe that I could do it. but reality eventually hit me. I had no car, a terrible job and my boyfriend only worked summers. id always had this fear that id never be able to get pregnant because my mom had so much trouble carrying her children, had a miscarriage and a preemee who died. so being pregnant felt like a blessing. we both told our moms. my mom pushed abortion on me. I made and appointment. my boyfriend and I never really spoke about it. I figured he didnt even want the kid. we went to the place and the anti-abortion people were outside. I couldnt even get out of the car. we just sat there and cried. we eventually left. I cried so much I made myself sick. I went to my prom pregnant. noone knew but my friend. I scheduled another appointment. my boyfriend didnt even want to go. my mom took us. june ninth. 8 weeks pregnant. I got an ultrasound. I saw the picture. my baby was a cute little peanut. they gave me meds that knocked me out. I remember very little from that day. but ill never forget the sound of that machine. I felt the tears streaming down my face and asked the nurse to hold my hand. she didnt. she just told me not to scream. we've never really spoken about it. and it makes me sad. to think he doesnt care. I should have a beautiful little baby right now. I cant help but wonder if it wouldve been a boy or girl. whose eyes it wouldve had. im depressed. I think about what I did every single day. ive cut myself over it. I know im young. but ever since that day I just get so jealous when I see a pregnant woman or a mother and her baby. and is badly as I want one, I feel like i will just feel guilty when I do finally have a child. like a ****** mother and human being. it hurts me more than anyone can understand. noone knows. I dont have anyone to talk about it with. it eats away at me every single day. I cry every single day. I neger wanted to do it.
blb17 blb17
18-21, F
5 Responses Jan 30, 2013

I'm so sorry you have been through this. I have never had an abortion but I'm here for you.

It does hurt. I understand. Im doing better thank you. But not a day goes by when I dont think about my baby. Please be strong, please dont hurt yourself.

it just hurts. I hope youre doing okay

Your story sounds a lot like mine. I feel your pain. When I see a pregnant woman or a woman with a baby I get so depressed and angry. But we cant live in regret. I am the same ae as you are. We did what was best. I work a bad job as well. That would not be fair for all the childs needs. Just like you I felt hopee that Icould do it. We are both young and at the prime of our youth. Please dont cut yourself. I use to be a cutter, yes at the moment it does numb us but the problems are still there. Your baby would not like to see you hurting yourself. You are strong you will get through this.one day when the time is right you will be the great mother you are meant to be.

I just need someone to talk to..

25M, financed one ( didn't want to, wasn't mine). Being there at the clinic was horrible. I could FEEL the pain in the room. Nothing to hate yourself for though. I haven't slept right in 9 months. The Devil has this way of convincing you that it would not have been possible. Your baby is in Heaven with no bad feelings towards you. Talk with the BFor leave him. If he's not man enough to console you, you'll never work out. I forgive you ( though I'll never forgive myself). Just don't forget; forgive yourself and say a prayer daily for your baby, you AND every other woman who's gone through the same thing. That helps me; I pray for every woman who's been through this in loving memory of (Aurora Belle, woulda been her name if it was mine/Daddy's little girl). A 25M professional/prior military and I cry every day. It fkin hurts. Just never forget. If you imagine her/him as a person, in your thoughts you give it life. It will always hurt but you can do everything to make sure it wasn't in vain. Sometimes were go through hard times to make us better spokespeople for the issues that really move us. Talk about it. Pray. God Bless and I pray you will someday forgive yourself because God already has.

- Anthony

thank you. I forgive you too.