June 9thI found out I was pregnant on mothers day. how ironic, right? my boyfriend, his sister, and I went to the mall and I was just sick. as soon as I threw up I knew . my period has always been irregular so I didnt worry too much. until the morning sickness hit. Im only eighteen. I was scared. I was scared to tell my boyfriend. my best friend. I didnt know what to do. I cried so much because I knew deep down that there was no way I could raise a baby. I had these thoughts though, these dreams. how big id get, how cute my little one would be. I started to believe that I could do it. but reality eventually hit me. I had no car, a terrible job and my boyfriend only worked summers. id always had this fear that id never be able to get pregnant because my mom had so much trouble carrying her children, had a miscarriage and a preemee who died. so being pregnant felt like a blessing. we both told our moms. my mom pushed abortion on me. I made and appointment. my boyfriend and I never really spoke about it. I figured he didnt even want the kid. we went to the place and the anti-abortion people were outside. I couldnt even get out of the car. we just sat there and cried. we eventually left. I cried so much I made myself sick. I went to my prom pregnant. noone knew but my friend. I scheduled another appointment. my boyfriend didnt even want to go. my mom took us. june ninth. 8 weeks pregnant. I got an ultrasound. I saw the picture. my baby was a cute little peanut. they gave me meds that knocked me out. I remember very little from that day. but ill never forget the sound of that machine. I felt the tears streaming down my face and asked the nurse to hold my hand. she didnt. she just told me not to scream. we've never really spoken about it. and it makes me sad. to think he doesnt care. I should have a beautiful little baby right now. I cant help but wonder if it wouldve been a boy or girl. whose eyes it wouldve had. im depressed. I think about what I did every single day. ive cut myself over it. I know im young. but ever since that day I just get so jealous when I see a pregnant woman or a mother and her baby. and is badly as I want one, I feel like i will just feel guilty when I do finally have a child. like a ****** mother and human being. it hurts me more than anyone can understand. noone knows. I dont have anyone to talk about it with. it eats away at me every single day. I cry every single day. I neger wanted to do it.
blb17 18-21, F 5 Responses 7 Jan 30, 2013