Life Changing.

I have been brought up under strict parenting. Not religious, but morally high. My parents and grandparents have always instilled that children should be had after a marriage. I was a teenager when I questioned these morals, but ultimately, I didn't have much chance to contest them. I love my family, they love me and I would never want to disrupt that.

I got my first boyfriend when I was 16, he was my absolute world and I completely fell for him. Perhaps too young and naive to understand that falling in love so quickly could end up in heartbreak. My parents disapproved because he was 3 years older than me. They disliked him intently which led him to reciprocate the feeling. I felt so stuck in the middle but I loved both parties so much I couldn't choose and led 2 separate lives with each of them.

When I was 18, about 18 months into our relationship, I fell pregnant, admittedly through lack of careful contraception. I can honestly say nothing has ever scared me as much as a plastic stick with 2 lines on it. I knew in my heart of hearts I couldn't keep it, I was young, my relationship wasn't solid because of the divide between my parents and my boyfriend and of course my parents wouldn't approve of my having a baby before being married anyway. I was devastated to decide not to have the baby, so was my boyfriend but we both agreed it was for the best.

I was already 6 weeks into the pregnancy when I found out, so I felt very rushed to make the decision. I was due to start university only 4 months later and was in the middle of doing my 5 A Levels. On top of this, my Grandad, who I was very close to, had just been diagnosed with terminal cancer. It was the most horrible month of my life. I also got chronic morning sickness. Everyday I went to school, avoided being with people, and threw up several times a day. My boyfriend was supportive, but he couldn't stop my being sick. I was desperate to get it over with, and yet on the morning of the abortion, I was gutted. I had to be alone in the hospital, my parents had no idea where I was, my boyfriend was sat outside in the car waiting for me. I waited 3 hours before the surgical procedure. I've never had any medical operation and didn't know what to expect. When I woke from the anesthetic, I was already in tears. I have never felt devastation like it and all I wanted was my Mum.

All this time later and I still think of my baby every day. Aborted at 9 weeks and 4 days, I know what it would have looked like, I know when it should've been born, I know what I would've called it, I know how much I would have loved it. But I know it was the right decision. The thing that doesn't make sense to me is that how I can be so certain I made the right decision, but so devastated at the outcome still.
An Ep User An EP User
1 Response Feb 5, 2013

Sometimes the things we know are right are the hardest. Thanks for sharing your story.