My Abortion Story

This was less than two months ago but I still feel like it was yesterday. I was talking to this guy and things seemed to be going really well. That was until I got pregnant with his child. We are both young him being a few years older than I am but both still in college. I knew with the conditions in my house and the fact that we were not in a real relationship that I had to give up my baby. The first thing we both turned to was abortion. I was really iffy about it but I went to the doctor and made all my appointments. I had cut classes to do this. The first appointment I made was to make sure that I was really pregnant and to see how far along I was. They did an ultrasound told me at the time I was 7 1/2 weeks. Too late for a medical abortion so I had to go for the surgical. But that week leading up to the appointment all that was in my head was the sound of the heartbeat. This was a living being growing inside me. The week leading up to is was also the end of me an the father. I was moody all week and didn't want anything to do with him. We stopped talking a day before the abortion. I told him that I didn't want him to come. I knew he wasn't going to anyway. The day of the abortion my best guy friend came to pick me up. I was in the waiting room just waiting for them to take me back. Once my name was finally called they took me to an ultrasound room. the asked me if I was 100% positive about my choice and I told them that i honestly don't know. They understood and did the ultrasound. The nurse said do you mind if I check for the heartbeat. I said no because at that point I knew i wasn't going to go through with it. She turned the sound on and looked for the heartbeat then looked at me with this look that said 'i'm sorry'. She said the baby has to heartbeat. The fact that my body didn't discharge the baby yet they wanted to still do the procedure. When I got out of the procedure and into recovery I didn't feel the depression or the pain. I got home that day and didn't feel it till the evening. Its been about a month and a half, I never told the father what happened and I still feel the depression. I keep having a dream that I am still with the father we are married and expecting our second child when all of a sudden the room we are in goes dark the father disappears and a little boy comes in ally bloody asking "why'd you do it mom." I know that my baby died of natural causes but I still feel guilty. I feel like it was wishful thinking that caused me to lose my baby.