Register

I Had An Abortion

Two Weeks Later...

By: embelina06
Written on February 12th, 2013
well it's been two weeks since my surgery. physically I am ok. the bleeding and cramping really was only bad about 5 days after the procedure. emotionally, it changes daily. it's not that I regret my choice, I miss the dreams of what the baby would be like. I know we cannot have a baby right now. our two year old deserves us at our best and financially, I cannot dream of us being any more strapped, living check to check. we're already negative almost every month. I had a melt down at my moms super bowl sunday. I told her I miscarried, and broke down into tears. I will never be able to tell her I had an abortion, but I could not stand hiding this from her. I feel alone. not having many girl friends, I really have no one to speak with. my boyfriend deals with things by not speaking about them and moving forward, he's an army man and doesn't speak his feelings very well. i'm polar opposite. I need to speak otherwise i'll have a break down for no reason and all my emotions just explode out of me. i'm having a hard time feeling pretty, let alone sexy. he'll make advances trying to show me he still sees me as sexy, but i'm not comfortable with having sex yet. we've done it twice and each time all I have in my mind is that I could get pregnant and I can't go through this again. he gets frustrated by this, I don't blame him. I feel badly that I cannot always express my feelings for him and there have been a few times I didn't know if we'd make it. we are speaking of getting married and I have a hunch he is proposing soon. I just want to know that i'll be ok. emotionally, this is much more difficult than expected. I knew it'd be hard, but I cannot not think about it. especially being around our son and thinking about him getting a sibling. I know we made the right choice, but I don't think i'll ever be able to make that choice again. I didn't go to my 2 week post op. I just want to move forward, not go back to that place. although they were friendly and allowed my bf to stay in the room for the procedure, as I was put under anesthesia, I never want to relive the feelings of sitting in that waiting room praying the nurse would allow me to take like ten Xanax, before I started sobbing.

has anyone else experienced these feelings? some days are better than others, but at the end of the day, I would be pregnant right now. but I'm not. I feel badly looking forward to a wedding, graduating college in April, anything. I feel as though I don't' deserve it.
By: embelina06
Age: 22-25
222 people have read this story

Your Response

Please respond with authenticity, support, and respect
By clicking "Post", you confirm that you agree to the Terms of Service of Experience Project, Inc.
10 responses
  • Sammi143
    Sammi143

    Yet you do deserve it. As you told me you were thinking of him/her not just yourself. When your more finacially set up. You are strong and made the best decision for him/her and their future.
    I did find it hard to be intamite with my partner. And even now 3 months later its still hurts sometimes and I can't get my mind completely in the mood. And on most occasion when he's on top (which is the possy we conceived in) il break down crying that I want it to happen. That I want my baby back.
    He is hurt. And a lil frustrated but he's soooo understanding. Most times we want to get intamite he request that to allow me no pain and to feel sexy and not upset that we don't do that position.
    But yes I didn't feel sexy for ages! And I always feel that I don't deserve anything. But I made my choice for my unborn. Now I'm going to beauty college. And working at my local pet store. My other half is FIFO and wel be set by the end of the year. Our own house. Next year will be my first trip over seas. And I'm already planning my wedding for 2014. When all that is complete, I know il be set to be a mother. And I know my unborn is watching over me, a happy lil smiling face hoping that mummy will soon no longer cry for him/her but embrace that love. And that him/her will be ever protective and watch over my next child.
    You know youl be ok in the end xxxx just remember you did the best thing as a mum for your child.

    May 2
    1 like
    • embelina06
      embelina06

      Thank you for your kind words. xoxo Good luck with everything! We will find peace one of these days, I know that is true <3

      May 3
      1 like
  • Inherownwords
    Inherownwords

    Yes, I experienced those feelings. The only difference is I tried to get pregnant by a man who was 25 years older than I was. Thank God I never got pregnant by him.

    What would you think your mom would say if you told her? I know how hard it is to say it out loud. But once you say it, its like a weight off your shoulders. When you say it out loud, it starts your healing process. That is the first step. Find someone who can be a support to you, and tell them. Even if you join a support group or seek counseling.

    One of the most important things in a relationship is keeping the lines of communication open. Have you asked him about how he feels? Maybe before you start having sex again, express to him how you feel. Tell him your concerns.

    Feb 12
    2 likes
    • Inherownwords
      Inherownwords

      You have a lot on your plate. So I would recommend that you work on yourself before you and your boyfriend get married. Let your focus be getting yourself together and start talking about this abortion. You need that strong support. If your boyfriend is not the support you feel you need him to be, then find it some place else. I'm not saying break up with him, of course. I mean if he is not going to talk about it, which he should talk about it also, then start taking care of yourself by giving yourself time to recover,

      Feb 12
      2 likes
    • embelina06
      embelina06

      My mom would be disappointed. I had a miscarriage last March, and when i told her i "miscarried" this time, she said this is getting out of hand and enough is enough. "He needs to make things right" by us getting married... My father is strict Catholic. He wouldn't allow me on birth control while i lived in his house, so when i moved out on my own at 18, i got it myself.

      my bf feels like he's a disappointment as well. I'm the second woman he's gotten pregnant out of wed lock, so he feels like he's let himself down. We took the right precautions so that it wouldn't happen again... so i feel badly that my pregnancy makes him feel poorly about himself.
      I don't have time for support groups. I'm in school full-time and working full time and a mother to a two year old..my plate is full as you said.
      maybe it just takes time...

      Feb 12
      1 like
    • Inherownwords
      Inherownwords

      I understand. I also have a 2 year old, so I know. Its a good thing we have this group to share at least. Right? Yes it takes time. But you have to want it. And be ready to talk about it. Can you see a counselor while you are in school? Its great you are working on yourself. That's good.

      Feb 12
      1 like
    • embelina06
      embelina06

      i just don't have the time for a counselor right now. it's my last semester of school so I've got projects and APA journals and exams every week it seems. What's embarrassing is that I'm a psych major, yet i have extreme generalized anxiety disorder and no idea how to handle this. Yes, we are very lucky we have this site. I just happened to stumble upon it when i was researching my options and this has been a god send for me. I have a wonderful boyfriend that is available for me to talk to when i need, but he just doesn't understand my feelings all the time. And i think sometimes he thinks i blame him for all of this. I don't. i hate that he thinks that, but i can understand how he would. it takes two people to get pregnant. so i would almost rather speak to anonymous woman on this site and talk it through, than upset him by venting and maybe not saying the right thing.

      Feb 13
      1 like
    • Inherownwords
      Inherownwords

      Perhaps take another approach with your boyfriend. Keep the lines of communication open. Don't leave it in the dark. He may not understand what you are feeling. But if he is there to listen, then take the opportunity. You may be surprised that he could somewhat understand what you are feeling. Be honest with him about your feelings. Ask him about how he is feeling. If you can be there for each other, then be there. It will be great practice for when you both are ready to get married. Who knows? This abortion could bring your relationship closer. He's got to talk about it. Just like you have to talk about it too. Don't let having an abortion stop you from living your life.

      I understand you are busy. But I highly recommend you allow yourself time to grieve over your loss. Find the time to do that. Even if its 5,10,15 minutes. do it. If you don't have time for a counselor. Maybe do like an abortion journal where you right down your feelings. Write letters to your baby in your journal. Let this site be your journal, maybe. Don't let "I'm so busy" keep you from healing. I've been there. Was too busy to grieve. I had a busy job and the list got longer. I didn't have time to grieve. Well here I am 5 years later wishing I had. I wish I knew back then what I know now. Its great we have this site so that I can share this with you. But you have to want to get well.

      Feb 13
      1 like
    • embelina06
      embelina06

      Thank you <3

      Feb 13
      1 like
    • Inherownwords
      Inherownwords

      You're welcome

      Feb 13
      1 like
    4 More Replies