A Half Year Later: I Think It Will Get Better...(Update)

(My original story: EP Link

A half year ago, I remembered thinking that it will never get better. 2 month ago, I laid naked on my bathroom floor, crying and praying (sincerely) to God (or universe) to please let a truck run me over. the same month, I finally grabbed a knife and was ready to get it over with. Just at that moment, I thought of somethings that i have not thought of in a very long way; my loved ones. I especially thought of my younger brother who is 14. Since the day he was born, I have been taking care of him till I turned 18 and moved out. I still see him every weekend. He is an wonderful kid and has always been the apple of my eye. I have changed his diaper more than my dad has. I thought of him because I wondered how it would have impacted him if I had gone the way I was planning to. Fortunately, that made me put down the knife and craw in my bed. I felt defeated but saved.

Ironic, I thought. I aborted (mainly) because the fear of the impact it would have on others. I survived because of the same reason.

At this moment, I am doing very well. It's going slow but steady and full of hopes and love. "inches from death" does not even cut it when it comes to describing what I have gone through, but i think the feeling is all too well known among the women who have gone through it.

What have gotten me to this point is really learned to accept what has happened, apologize and forgive myself for it. Regret or no regret, I am devastated by what has happened. But the truth is, there is nothing I can do about it now, except to move on. therefore, I have to accept it. I apologized to my ex and his family for putting them through pain and thanked them for loving me for so many wonderful years. I apologized to my baby and thanked her for being here with me for a while. I have forgive myself because I finally realized that I did the best I could at the time. Yes I could have fought harder, but it's easier said now because it's all over. I didn't know better. there is no point to regret, what is done is done, God knew how much I loved my baby and I'd give my life to turn back time, but it's not going to happen, therefore, I had to let it go. It's not about moving on and forget. It's about learning how to live with my baby without her being here physically. She is within me, she shall give me love and strength. I shall also love and respect myself because out of all of this misery, that is the best and most valuable lesson I have learned and will ever learn in this life. and my baby has given me that....what a blessing right?

This picture I found moved and helped me a lot, I hope it will help you all in some way. Please forgive yourselves, let it go and feel the love.

daniflower01 daniflower01
22-25, F
3 Responses Feb 20, 2013

Dani, the date is march 6 I think I will look up to the stars and watch the clouds pass by and know there is hope up there.And I imagine you releasing the balloons by the seaside.Tiny a child in heaven rejoicing.Whether it rain or shine or is cloudy he is up there!

that photo is just what i needed, thank you!

I hope you're doing well and continue to heal.
Prayers... <3

I think you made the right choice, reading you original story, i felt that you made your decision based on your situation at the time and as weird as it may sound it was your female nuturing instincts which made you decided that the baby would not be born into a world that you want to bring them up in.

I think your ex was basing his decision on a sudden rush of macho chest thumping, that he feels he should handle it and take care of things like a real man. I understand you two spoke aboit accident pregnancy before but speaking is different from the real thing and based on what you described about him and his attitude to his own live, I don't think he would have been able to change his outlook for long.

So dont brat your self up for it, you did the right thing under the circumstances that you were in.