Very Confused and Hurting
When I was sixteen me and my (now ex-husband) boyfriend thought that having a baby would force our parents to let us be together. Well my grandmother who was raising me at the time was also going through some life threatening health issues and she decided that I should have an abortion. This is where the story turns very soap opera like. She kept a system of minimal communication between my grandfather and I and told me that he was going to put my 19 year old boyfriend in jail if I didn't have the abortion and she was telling him that I didn't want to go through with the pregnancy .
So I had an abortion only to one find out two days after about her deception and two she passed away a little over a week later. This situation has caused me much grief over the years and self hatred.
But here is the really scary part. I have 3 beautiful kids (the older two came from my marriage to that very same boyfriend and we were married for 12 years) and at my age I'm facing the same situation again but this time I'm in control, or so I thought.
I ended up in a relationship with a loser and the day after moving out of his place realized that I was pregnant. I have always had a hard time getting pregnant and had difficulty while pregnant. My last pregnancy literally almost killed me due to lots of complications. So my first reactions was I cannot go through with another pregnancy but I also cannot face having another abortion. But after much crying and screaming decided that abortion was the only way to go. Then one day I start bleeding and now it appears that I'm having a miscarriage (the second one I've had, I had one between my second and third child) Now my emotions are all over the board because no one seems to care about my state of mind dealing with the miscarriage because I had planned to terminate.
As if this was an easy decision. I had cried, talked to my unborn child, had a ceremony to send as much love to this child I didn't think my single mom family could handle with all the health risks, (diabetes, brain tumor benign, a fourth c-section) and financial issuses. And I was putting off the procedure as late as I could afford to have more time with my child.
I am currently living in a nightmare and don't know what to do with my emotions. Anyone have any advice? I'm already scheduled for therapy but that will be a week after the stilll scheduled DNC because the miscarriage is still only threatened and the only advice I have gotten is that waiting is playing with fire.