I Was Not Prepared...

i was not prepared for what i was going to deal with.  i was in college and had a crappy boyfriend; the kind you know you should leave, but can't because you're scared for a million different reasons.  we ended up pregnant.  we were scared and confused and uninformed.  i had finals coming up in a month, no money, and could not turn to my family (no WAY was i gonna involve my mother...we'll save that for another post).  we decided on an abortion.

i had my reasons of which you may or may not agree with.  i was young and not ready to be a mom.  i wanted to finish school before i had kids.  i was not financially prepared and did not have a stable support system in my family.

dozens of questions went thru my mind during the following days after we made our decision.  how did an abortion work? would it hurt? would i have to see it? how much would it cost? what would happen after? would i be sick or in pain? i felt lost.  i sat up late at night in my dorm and searched for information online.  i read and read articles and blogs and websites and came away with a mish mash of information that had me truly scared to death.  the worst part was i felt like i had no one to talk to.  no one to listen to me and share in what i was going thru.  i had never felt so alone and unsure in my life.

i found a clinic online in a state near us (illegal in the state where i went to school). i called them and it felt like it was someone else saying the words, "i need to have an abortion."  i could barely speak as i provided the necessary information to the lady on the phone.  i will never forget how i felt when she told me i was to come a week later for the "procedure."  i nearly passed out.  a WEEK? how could i wait that long?

everyday i battled morning sickness, fatigue, and a constant worry as i continued going to classes and my part-time on-campus job.  i hid what i was going thru from everyone.  at night, i cried and found no consolation in the guy who was obviously more than ready for this whole fiasco to be over.  so we pooled our money and left the day before i was scheduled for the procedure.

when the day finally arrived, i distinctly remember trying to separate myself from any emotions i was experiencing.  i tried to turn my mind into a blank wall or focus on other ideas or events other than the one at hand.  all the stories of things going wrong and the risks and complications kept trying to crowd my mind, but i just kept pushing them away.  one way or another, i was going thru with this.

i am thankful that i was provided with a counselor who was a young, compassionate female and had been in my shoes.  she answered all of the questions i asked and many that i never even dreamt of asking.  i was also relieved that my doctor was female and had all female assistants.  she explained every single thing she was going to do before she started anything in a gentle and calming manner.  her assistants (a nurse and a bedside assistant for me) did their best to reassure me and even tho there were painful moments, i made it thru.

even tho i was able to bear the physical burden that i experienced, it took me much longer to deal with the mental burden.  for a year after, i stuffed it all away in the back of my mind's closet and didn't deal with it.  i didn't stay with that guy.  i graduated college.  i moved on with my life.  it became a "page in my past" until i caught myself in the baby aisle at a department store and started bawling my eyes out.  all the emotions and doubts and fears came rushing back and i knew i had to really deal with the pain i had been harboring for so long.  at that point in my life i sat down with a trusted friend and told them everything.  every single thing...every detail and they listened and listened and cried with me.  it hurt so much, but after that i felt like the elephant had stepped off my chest and i could finally start to heal.  it didn't happen overnight, but it did finally begin and to this day, six years later, i am still healing.

i feel that after experiencing an abortion, i was greatly misinformed and wished i had felt like i had someone to talk to who wouldn't judge me.  my hope in sharing my story is that if you are going thru this now you will find a caring individual who will hear your fears, doubts, worries, etc. and provide emotional support--even if all they can do is listen.  i hope that you do not feel like you are doing something "wrongful" and that you have the right to make decisions about your own body.  i hope you will not be hasty in your decision and try your best to become informed before having an abortion.  i hope you will not be pressured to decide one way or another, but listen to your own body and mind and your heart and do what you know is right for you.

i purposefully chose not relate every single detail, but will gladly communicate with those of you who feel that is necessary to know more than what i will share here.

misstomrs misstomrs
26-30, F
2 Responses Jun 25, 2007

can you tell me how far along you were when you had your abortion and what procedure they used

Some of you would be so surprise of the support you all will get after you find yourself in that situation from the same partents who told you do not come home with any baby. You were in college so how can i accept you were uninformed was that about the feeling afterwards or the easy way u can be impregnated. It is just sad to see how all these men leave after.. In the future look at the dogs you lay with because you can catch fleas.