Train Wreck

I had a surgical abortion exactly 5 weeks and 2 days ago. I still am trying to justifiy it to myself. I told everyone that it was because I was just graduating high school and I was starting college in July and I couldn't care for a baby the way I should with the money I was making but I knew that wasn't true. I have a great job at credit card company making enough money to support myself and a child. I have a great support team behind me that would have helped me raise a baby. They would have done anything they could've to help me with this baby. So why did I have the abortion? Well, I was engaged to this "great" guy who was not ready to have kids. He thought we couldn't support a baby. I was definitely at the most vulnerable stage of my life so far and he basically talked me into the abortion. I know it was ultimately my decision so I'm not blaming him but I didn't get any support from him to keep the baby and I do really want to wait till I finish school to have children. Now that it's over and I have my follow up appointment in less than 5 hours and I'm actually having my first period in over 3 months I'm regretting it. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I cry constantly. I killed my baby. I just keep wondering if it would have been a boy or a girl? What would I have named it? Would it have looked like mommy or daddy? I can't stand the guilt anymore. Worst part is I have no one to talk to. My fiancee was basically my life and we even broke up before the abortion which is why I feel so stupid for not having walked out of that PPH when I still had the chance. I just basically need some support before I go crazy over this. And that is why I'm here. Someone, anyone, help?
aperfectlie aperfectlie
18-21, F
5 Responses Jun 29, 2007

i've basically been talked into my abortion to by my ex (i'm pregnant to him) and my new partner (doesn't want me to be pregnant unless it's his baby). I'm booked in for friday and i'm really scared and torn about the decision, i already have a 5 month old son but I too can't sleep because I keep dreaming about having this baby (in my dream it's another boy). I want my new boyfriend to say he wants this baby and doesn't want me to go through with it.

You were one of the fortunate ones to have support from relatives, but I know who you really needed the support from the most, but that did not come through. You can not beat up yourself about that just learn from that mistake and use better judgement next time. Glad he is out of your life and next time make you the priority no man is your life husband nor boyfriend.

I think you would have regretted either decision at some point. If you had kept the child, do you think that there would be no regrets? By no means am I a proponent of abortion, but you're going to have to make peace with yourself on this decision and remind yourself that you did the only thing you knew to do at the time. My principle reason for being against abortion is right here: I couldn't handle the emotion. You would have to be a very cold and inhuman person to not let this affect you. Let yourself grieve for your loss, take care of yourself the best you know how, and let the river of life carry you on down the road. You're going to be fine; you're going to grow into a beautiful woman who has a greater understanding of life because of your experience. You will learn from the relationship to not let a man you are not bound to influence your decisions. You will use that knowledge to choose someone who will not push you to do anything you don't want to do, EVER. Life will go on, with or without you, and you can still have a wonderful, fulling, HAPPY life.

You didn't kill your baby, that's just not true. It is not possible for us to know the future, and what would have happened if you'd made a different choice - the world is too full of endless possibilities. Instead, you had come to a point in your life when many different paths stretched out before you, and you did what the best that *any* of us can do - you did the best you could in the circumstances. And if you felt you let your fiance talk you into it, it is still true on some level that *you* were doing what you could to make the world as right as you could. You made a choice to give *any* child of yours a certain standard of life - and the time was not right yet. And at the end of the day, it was a choice you made with love in your heart. It is important to grieve for the opportunities and possibilities we leave behind, but to honour that memory, you now need to look forward to the future. Some day it will be the right time for you and whomever you chose to raise a child with, and then you will love your children with a truly great and powerful love.

It's natural to have these feelings. It's certainly not an easy decision, I'm sure you didn't take it lightly. You aren't even 18. Many people have children to make their own lives better. That's selfish, it never works-and it's a hell of a burden to place on a child. You didn't kill a baby. You prevented a fetus from developing into a child you aren't sufficiently prepared to care for-that is selfless. You weren't meant to bring a baby into the world right now. That doesn't mean you'll never have children. <br />
Taking care of a baby is more than just money. You deserve a fair chance to finish school, find out who you are, all the stuff that comes with being your age. So, you would've been a single mother, since your fiancee bailed-that would've been extremely difficult. <br />
When you go to the follow-up, please tell the people there how you're feeling. They should have given you a list of therapists to talk to-if not, you'd like a recommendation. You've been through enough already and beating up on yourself is just going to make you feel worse. <br />