Never in a million years did I think I wouldve ever have an abortion, much less writing about it for the world to see...tears begin as I even start typing.
You see, this is the first time I have even wanted to talk about it since the incident, I havent shared this with anyone, even the man I am with...
On June 4, 2008 I had to make the hardest decision in my life. I wish circumstances were different for me but I know I made the right decision. I was with a man I loved very dearly, unfortunately he was married but separated from his wife. I got pregnant unknowingly before he even moved out of his house but for the moments up to the morning sickness, dizziness, and heightened sense of smell I was aloof to it all.
After our separation, on my birthday, I got a call saying he had finally moved out and he had left his wife. I was overjoyed and finally believed he was capable of loving someone other than her. A month into us seeing eachother at his new apt, everyday was a struggle to keep him happy, everyday i had to fight for his love, everyday did i believe he loved me enough to leave her. After one of our several fights, he decided that he had enough and wanted to move back home, the relationship wasnt over but that he would be at home until the divorce was final..... I was heartbroken. I felt betrayed, lead on, used, like garbage for the longest time for me it was the first time I had ever felt this much hurt in my life. Shortly after one of my many days of feeling sideeffects from an unknown pregnancy, I confided in my bf and told him I think I may be pregnant. That night we talked for hours at his apartment and I wished I was never in a position to take away another human life and i prayed the entire night that I wasnt. He told me he loved me and as much as I didnt want to be pregnant he hoped I was.
The next morning it was confirmed that I was pregnant. After much debating I decided to call him and tell him, even though I now wish I never did. The reaction I got was absolute silence, after 10-15 min which felt like I lifetime, he said what are you going to do?..... it wasnt the reaction i was expecting and again felt more pain than I ever did in my life, but as much as i wanted to burst out into tears, i hid it from him. The man I thought loved me soo much did not have anything to say except that he had to go back to work. I said "ok" and hung up the phone.
It was the hardest decision in my life, but thinking about my life, my education, family I knew I had to have an abortion. His response to it also confirmed it for me. You see the thing was, I wished someone would tell me keep the baby, I will be there for you. Keep the baby we will be a family, and I will leave her right this second, I wanted to hear, I am here for you, I love you from him, but i got nothing. I wouldve left everything in my life at that moment to have his child and be with him. I confided in my friend but she only told me that he said im trying to trap him with this baby. I started wondering if this is the kind of man I fell in love with, who is he? I no longer knew. To this day I wonder who he is... the same man who wanted me to have his baby the night before became some kind of monster the next day. I begged and pleaded that at the very least, please stay at the apartment the day I have the abortion so that I have someone to talk to at night, instead of crying for 12 hours, all night, heartbroken, I felt like not living any longer.. but his priorities were to his mother, and his wife and he moved back 2 days before I had the abortion.
.... that night I made a vow to myself. Whether he loved me or not, whether he left his wife, or stayed with her. I would never bear him any children, he does not deserve a girl that loves him so much that she wanted to share a child with him, Everyday I see little boys that make the mistake of getting a girl pregnant, but even they have the morals to step up and be a man. Even though I can forgive him for everything else, i wont forgive him for that. Since then he has filed for divorce. Everyday I cry because of the decision I made, but I know i did the right thing. Everyday I see babies and wonder what it wouldve been like if it were me with them, Even though theres NO doubt in my mind that I will have children in the future, I have to find a man deserving of my love and children. Although i do love the man that left me, I dont plan to have his children... this is the decision I will have to make someday. I still havent decided.