Regretfully Confused

I was seeing a guy for 3 months with a 2 week break up somewhere in between. While we were broken up for those 2 weeks I had unprotected sex with a friend of mine. A week after me and the guy I was seeing broke up I found out I was pregnant. I wasn't sure which of these 2 guys was the father of this baby. Both possible fathers plus my adoptive mother wanted me to get an abortion considering I already have a 3 year old son from a previous relationship, am on Social Assistance, struggling to get back into University, and am not with either of the 2 guys. For over a month I struggled with the decision but decided to give it up for adoption. One of the possible fathers changed his mind and said if it turned out to be his then he wanted full custody. The other guy however was overly aggressive about getting the abortion done and was a recovering drug addict. So for over a month I was going with the idea of giving it up for adoption or to the one possible father that wanted it.

I was feeling so constantly depressed and alone and like I had no support with the pregnancy. I was planning on moving out of town until the baby was born to avoid questions from people about who the father was because I was so embarassed about the whole situation. And to avoid drama from my son's dad as well. But moving to a town where I know nobody seemed like it would make me feel even more alone and isolated. Then one day my sons dad who I was in a relationship with for 8 years came back into my life and said he wanted to work things out with me and be a family again. And that is all I ever wanted for the past 2 years.

So I made the fast decision to go through with the abortion. I made the appointment Tuesday and they set it up for that Friday. I barely had time to think about it. So Friday I went in and got it done. Thank God I don't remember the procedure! So Friday I was way too high from all the meds to even realize what I had just done. Then last night (Saturday) my son's dad decided that he changed his mind about trying things again with me. Then today (Sunday) my biological mom phones me and starts reading me scriptures out of the bible to make me feel even worse about what I had just done. Then not long after that the one possible father that wanted custody phones me and gets mad at me for getting it done when he originally wanted it done in the first place. I was in tears and wanted some confirmation from someone that I made the right decision so I phoned the one possible father that was 100% for me getting it done. I asked him I did the right thing right? And now he's saying he doesn't think so. That I should have just gone through with the pregnancy.

I have been doing nothing but on the floor crying and begging God to forgive me all night tonight. Why is it that all these people that wanted me to get it done originally are now mad at me now that I actually did go through with it. I can't bring myself to look at the ultrasound picture. I feel like such a terrible person. I wish I had someone to talk to. I feel so selfish and like such a bad person. I shouldn't have let other people affect my decision! I'm so angry at myself!!! How could I have done this?? I don't know how to live with myself now.



Regretful86 Regretful86
4 Responses Feb 8, 2009

i'm so sorry that you felt so pressured to do that-always listen to your heart, never anyone else. though i completely disagree with abortion-i totally understand your decision, i feel so awful that all of those people made you feel that way. but don't let the guilt consume you, God will forgive you & you will be okay. take it as a lesson'll get easier with time.

*hugs*<br />
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I know exactly how you feel. But I believe that God will forgive you for it, I believe he forgave me for the same thing. If you ever want to talk about it I am a good listener and sometimes just talking helps.<br />
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Things will get better in time. You will be ok. You're a very strong person to go through this. Be brave.

(((HUGS))) I am so sorry you had to go through all of that... Things will get better, and you deserve support, and it was wrong for all of those people to push and pull you like that. It is a very hard decision and support is important. If you ever need anything at all feel free to pm me anytime. You are not hated for this, you a good person who deserves better people around them... (((HUGS))) stay strong OK!!!

Good Grief girl, God isn't mad at YOU! He's probably mad at the lack of support you didn't get from the people you love. Why should your mother be pouring more guilt all over you. You did the best you could at the time and under the conditions. OK grieve, however be aware that many of us abort spontaneously in an early pregnancy and don't even know it. The world is terribly overpopulated. Just learn from it, and take care you don't repeat the same mistake. God is a loving and forgiving God. Move on. Take great care of the child you have. It's between you and your God, it's nobody else's business. Guilt solves nothing. Just be more careful who you love, and be particular when it comes to men. Put your energy into something positive like improving your cirumstances. You are a good person.