Never Mess With Life Long Friends Especially If There Married

I had an abortion at 7 weeks.  My best friend has been this guy we've always had a chemistry but never hooked up... at least until recently.  He's married and lives in another cuntry.  I was in the process of moving and starting a new life. 

On my way to my new life I stopped off in his town we met up in a hotel and had sex.  A few weeks later I take a test and I'm pregnant. 

I've always wanted to have a child.  I'm adopted and having a kid has been the most important thing for me; but I wanted it to be in the right circumstances. 

My new life involved me moving back home to live with my family in my country of origin. 

I have a brother who is also adopted and his has kids I envy him because he has a blood relative he has someone that looks like him I don't.  I'm 35 and I've always known I wouldn't have kids at 40 a personal choice. 

So I tell my married friend I'm pregnant and I haven't heard from him since.  So now I have to take care of business on my own. 

I can't do it in the country I live as it's a smoll island and everyone knows one another so I'm not confident in doctor patient confidentiality plus it's a 3rd world country and I'm afraid something goes wrong.  I can't tell my family.  I go to Miami and lie to everyone as to the real reason I need to travel so suddenly and so close after I just moved back home to start fresh. 

Now I have to deal with the loss of a very good friend that has been part of my life and my family since we were children.  I have to shoulder the financial burden on my own.  I've had to hide the physical pain and emotional pain.  I've lied to everone and I'm still lying.  It has not been 3 weeks yet since I did it.

I have confided in 3 friends but I feel that I'm alone.  I don't want to burden them by continuously talking about my feelings.  One of them helped me out by taking me to the clinic to get it done she was with me for 3 days after (than I had to fly back home).  I feel by talking about it to my friends I'm winning though they've been very supportive and not once have not offered a shoulder to me.  They've been amazing through this but I feel like I'm burdening them.  Could be all in my head.

I live with my brother his wife and 2 kids.  I work in the family business.  During the day I need to put a mask of the happy go lucky girl that everyone knows me to be. At night I'm a wreck.

I can't seem to stop crying.  I don't regret my decision.  I just hope it wasn't my last chance to have a child as I'm getting closer to the age of 40. 

I wish I could find a way to make the pain go away.  I know in time it will but right now it doesn't feel like it.  I just want to sleep as it's the only time I'm not sad.

Everyone where I live is married and have children.  I'm surrounded by pregnant ladies.  By talks of how children change you.  I have to smile and act like it's not torturing me.

I can't seem to stop crying.  I would have thought that by now my eyes would have been all dried up but it seems there's an endless supply of tears.

I know I have to give myself time.  I know I have to mourn.  It's not easy when you aren't alone and even in the privcy of your room you feer them hearing you crying.  I'm in constant fear that I'll say something and slip up and it would be like opening pendoras box.  I'm in constant fear of someone catching me crying.  I'm always worried that someone will notice that I'm not myself.  I don't want to answer questions if I'm ok... I can't lie any more... I just want to scream.  I'm tired of faking being ok I want to be able to not be ok I want it to be ok for me to be sad I need it to be ok for me to cry all the tears in my body and than some.

Christine1974 Christine1974
5 Responses Feb 15, 2009

i read your story and now i can't talk about my lol i don't have it so bad but it hurts.I been married 9 y now and we love each other but he just is sooo selfish he has no respect for me we had good ones like 3 maybe happy years he just don't want to here me my pain im soo lonely i can't take it anymore...he is playing this game 24/7 comes home from work eats and computer i hate him for that... we have to daughters i can't just leave him im just stuck hurt i can't even cry anymore i just don't know what to do he is lazy selfish.I got no one to talk to im soo depressed im 28 marred and very hurt i tried to talk to him he just never changed i just don't know anymore what to do there is more to this story but its just to long for me to write...Im lonely going to bed all by my self every night!!! help

Thanks for that... I agree it is beautiful :-)

Someone once said to me that an unborn child who never made it to term is an evolved soul who only needed to partly enter this reality before moving on. I think thats beautiful.<br />
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If you think of it this way, then you were gifted to help your unborn child to make the journey as far into this world as they were meant to go. <br />
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The loss is hard to bear, especially when you also lost a friend. (Who, by the way has lost some serious friendship kudos for the way he treated you I'm sorry to say).<br />
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You are very brave. I wish you lots of future happiness my friend.

Thanks for saying that... I too believe everything happens for a reason even if it might not become clear as to what the reason is

i cant stop crying either its been about a week. Its hard doing it on your own. I was lucky and had support but just remember everythin happens for a reason. If you aremeant to have a baby before 40 it will happen. Just remember your beautiful for thinking of your baby first.