I Had My Second Abortion

I'm not a teenager, financially unstable, nor do I have any other children.  The first time I found out I was pregnant I was on birth control and I was in a committed relationship of 5 years.  I was completely shocked and unprepared.  My boyfriend, with whom I was desperately in love with, responded to the news by saying that I was ruining his life.  I felt so alone like I had no other choice but to have an abortion.  I was so hurt by his response I didn't want my unborn child to know his father didn't want him.  The relationship ended months after the abortion and I fell into a deep depression.

I ended up moving to another state to run away from my problems.  I began drinking heavily and dating an alcoholic and a drug addict.  I wanted so desperately to have a child to make up for the baby that I lost and didn't stand up for.  In a drunken state we decided to start trying for a family and I quickly became pregnant. 

I wasn't in love with him which became painfully apparent when I sobered up and he continued to party.  I was very ill with morning sickness so he would leave me sick and alone to go party.  I thought if we shared our "good" news with everyone he would sober up and take care of me and our family we created.  Instead he quit his job and looked to me to support him.  At this time I was 10 weeks pregnant and trapped.  He started hiding his drug and alcohol use which led me to catch him in several lies.  He didn't look for work and finally one night didn't come home from partying. 

I decided then I couldn't go through with this.  I was 12 weeks pregnant and had to get an abortion for the sake, again of my unborn child.  I realized this child wasn't going to bring back my first loss nor was it going to fix my boyfriend.  When I told him he was very angry and threatened to humiliate me by telling all my friends and family what I was doing.  When that didn't persuade me; he was kind and even attended a single AA meeting.  The whole time telling me this child was meant to save him.

I went through with the abortion and I know it was the right decision.  After the procedure he took me out to dinner and asked me to pay.  Not to mention he didn't offer any emotional, financial, or physical support to me the day of the procedure.  I even had to find my own ride because he doesn't have a license due to a second DUI.  After I refused to pay for dinner he walked me home and yelled at me for "killing" his baby.

I feel like such a failure for having two abortions.  I've always thought people in situations like mine were irresponsible and selfish.  I never understood how a woman could have a single abortion, let alone two.  Even though I'm currently walking in those shoes I'm still not exactly sure how I got here.  I know I need to work on myself to find a partner that doesn't emotional abuse me. 

Now, I have a wedding to attend in two weeks where I plan to lie to my entire family by saying that I had a miscarriage. 

 

ssmithly ssmithly
26-30, F
2 Responses Aug 9, 2007

hi I understand why you did what you did, i haven't had my abortion yet i'm booked in to have it done on friday, i'm 13 weeks but they can still do it the procedure is a bit different though, the reason i'm having it done is because i'm pregnant to my ex whom i already have a 5 month old son with, i'm now with his ex best friend and neither of them want me to go through with the pregnancy, plus i don't think i could cope with a newborn and a 1 year old, my ex is a drop kick who drinks and smokes drugs and likes to party 24/7 with his mates, so is my new boyfriend but at least he treats me with respect.

I'm so sorry about your situation. I feel like you are telling my story. Except that I have now had three abortions. I never thought I would be one of "those people". I feel so much guilt and would do anything to change what I have done. My greatest fear now is that I've done so much damage to my body that I will not be able to have children in the future. What have I done? Please don't let it go as far as I did. Take care of your self and I'm here to talk any time.