I'm So Sorry My Little Angel.

At 14, being 17 1/2 weeks pregnant was definitely something my parents could not believe.

My boyfriend who was also 14 didn't care, because he too was young and dumb. I

remember laying in bed touching my little bump. I kept telling myself it was nothing, I was

just over-reacting, but inside I knew I was just lying to myself. My boyfriend (at the time)

told his mom as if it was something ordinary. As a normal parent would do, she called my

mom and told her what was going on. I was at dance practicing, && my mom was blowing

up my phone so I finally took the call. She questioned me about being sexually active and if I

really was pregnant. Of course, I denied it. Later that night, as soon I walked in the house

my father

was sitting at the kitchen table with a pregnancy test. I took it, and it came out negative.

I was so relieved, but the test came in pairs. My mom got the cup i urinated in and she

poured it over the second pregnancy. Minutes later, it came out positive. I didn't have a

chance to explain a thing. My dad yelled at me, seemed like it was hours.. I went to my room

and just thought about what was going to happen. Later, my mom walked in to the room and

said to pack my things, we're going to Lubbock to have an abortion. I can honestly say that I

didn't know if i was relieved or confused. I went to school the next day so confused and

helpless. My mom picked me up, something she had never done before, and as soon as I got

in the truck she made me listen to a recording. It was a doctor's voice, it's a voice I'll NEVER

forget. In the recording he explained that in 3 days I was to have an abortion, and how I

was going to go about it. It was a terrible terrible day. As expected, in the following days

I was in Lubbock, Texas, which is 4 hours away from where I live. After some paperwork,

I went into a room and got completely undressed. The doctor (who's voice I heard a few

days earlier) walked in. I had a sonogram and I didn't know what to expect. As I was

watching my baby move around, he told me "congradulations, you are almost half way

through your pregnancy." && he walked out. I was confused as ever. I got dressed, went

into a tiny office, and was questioned about my boyfriend's age. The lady then handed me a

paper that I didn't bother to read, and a picture of my baby. I was so happy at the time,

because I thought I was going to keep my precious angel. As I walked out the clinic, I told

my mom the details, and she took the paper made a phone call and before I knew it we were

on our way to Albuquerque, New Mexico. May 21, 2004, I had an abortion and to this day I

hurt SO bad. It took 2 days to complete and I feel like a murderer. I feel as i'm sterile and I

don't deserve life. I'm a murderer and I'm going to hell. My parents made me do it, but I DID

it. I'M GOING TO HELL NOT THEM. I cut my arms and legs, I feel like i'm worthless, I'll

never do anything right in life. I'm too scared of committing suicide. I think about it daily,

but I just can't go through with it. My ex boyfriend.. we dated since were we about 11 to 17.

He always tells people "I killed his baby" but honestly, he didn't even care. He always hit

me, made fun of me, cheated on me, and just has made a big contribution to my depression.

I dream of him everyday even though it's been almost 2 years since we've been apart, and

he's marriend and a daddy-2-be. My parents act as if I never was pregnant, and can't

understand why I'm always crying. I just don't know what to do. I try to move on, but I

can't. No one understands me. I'm so scared to go to hell and suffer for what I did.

dyingNside dyingNside
18-21, F
6 Responses Feb 21, 2009

OMG . Amazing . I just read your story and its increadible how much I feel the same exact way . Everyday my thoughs are of suiside and I think of the 7 levles of hell and if plain cheaters, theaths,liers go to there levels then my God where do mothers whom kill there children go ?? But though these thoughts are bad and seem in control were going to have to fight it . Suisides a sin too . And God is forgiving rit ? I sure hope so . But it shocked me to read somone who also feared hell and was thinking all these same thoughts . Please, please email me !! You are like a twin to my feelings and suffering . we could help each other I feel it . misstwoshoes3301@hotmail.com I pray I hear from you God bless you God help us all

Hello my Dear......Come here to me....(singer opens her arms)<br />
I do know what you are going through.....And I do understand.....I was there.....I had to tell my parents....I was 16 then....ButI had to tell them.....and I was told what I had to do.....<br />
<br />
And I understand what your parents went through....My 14 year old daughter gave me a grandson before she was 15....So I do understand both sides....<br />
<br />
(BTW to all that think the kids can not stop it....You are wrong...Under federal law....Anything dealing with sex it is up to the female.....No matter what the age is.....Parents have no rights once the pregnancy is confermed.....And even before that....If it deals with sex.....no one but the patient can do anything....I found out the hard way....)<br />
<br />
But my dear...You have to start to forgive yourself....They may not have had legal rights to have a say in this....They were still your parents....and they needed to protect you from everything.....And them just acting like that just made it worse......<br />
<br />
Send me a message if you want to chat...I am here....But in the mean time.....Read my story....To All Young Ladies....From an Older Lady....<br />
<br />
It might help

That's horrible, even though you were very young your parents should never have forced you to abort. It's not your fault - don't feel alone either, I've felt the same way. I haven't yet gone through with it but I'm considering it and I keep thinking the same thing: That I'll be a baby killer. Sometimes it's for the best though, and just remember: IT WASN'T YOUR FAULT. If you're religious at all, then take comfort in the thought that you'll get to see your baby someday.<br />
<br />
I can relate to the cutting as well, I have struggled with that and depression/anxiety for a long time. If you ever need someone to talk to, message or email me: m0lok0vell0cet@yahoo.com .<br />
<br />
I hope things get better for ya....

That's horrible, even though you were very young your parents should never have forced you to abort. It's not your fault - don't feel alone either, I've felt the same way. I haven't yet gone through with it but I'm considering it and I keep thinking the same thing: That I'll be a baby killer. Sometimes it's for the best though, and just remember: IT WASN'T YOUR FAULT. If you're religious at all, then take comfort in the thought that you'll get to see your baby someday.<br />
<br />
I can relate to the cutting as well, I have struggled with that and depression/anxiety for a long time. If you ever need someone to talk to, message or email me: m0lok0vell0cet@yahoo.com .<br />
<br />
I hope things get better for ya....

I must agree with Hae. They say a problem shared is a problem harved, you'll always find friendly support here Best wishes

Honey, first things first.. YOU ARE NO MURDERER! You didn't choose this, you were young and to be honest I'm assuming even you wouldn't have been old enough to decide that without a judicial bypass. Your parents made this choice, you need to talk to them about what they made you do, how it felt to be rushed into something and why you feel so down all the time. You need to talk to them about seeking counseling because it seems that could help you out a lot with your depression. That boy is obviously no good and you deserve better. Out of all this you are the one who did not deserve to be treated so unfairly. Its time to start talking sweetie and if you ever need anything at all PM me anytime. You are not a bad person and I am sure God sees the truth in the circumstance and not just the physical aspect. You can get through this. You deserve life, you deserve good people around you and you deserve someone to care for you better than what those around you have done. Please forgive yourself, for you did nothing wrong. (((HUGS))) take care of yourself OK! <br />
<br />
hae