To All the Young Ladies....from An Older Lady

This is to all of the young Ladies....and the Gents that might need to read this...

I am a 49 year old lady....That had an abortion 33 years ago...And this is my story....

When I was 16....I discovered that I was to have a child....I told my mother...who told me that I had to get it taken care of...She was worried what people would think about my Step fater...If I was to have the baby.....That right there distroyed me.....Here I was her daughter...and she was worried what people would think about my step fater??????Please do not get me wrong....he is a great man...He took on three very young children to raise as his own when he was only 25...and he was...and always be my Daddy.....one of the greatest loves of my life....But I digress...

So my mother called and made the arrangments...and I went and had it taken care of....I was told that it was my secision...But I knew that it had to be done...The nurse told me that I would be as good as new...But that was not to happen...

When I came home...I had lots of paperwork that I was given...and I had it all over my bed...and all I could do was to cry...There was no one there to put their arms around me...My mother just took all of the paper work...and tossed it in the trash...and told me to just get over it...That it was all over and done with...And that as soon as I just put it behind me...that I would be as good as new....

Well I know that after some ladies will not go near anyone...But me...Not me....I became a very bad ****...To me I was damagewd goods...That did not deserve the love of a good man...So to try and fill the emptyness...I let any guy out there fill me...But this did not work....I went on like this for about 15 years.....Even after I married I would sleep with others....I still thought of myself as damaged....Not worthy...For the true love that was staring me in the face....My husband knew of what I did...ANd he did what he could...But in my mind I was damaged... I started to write letters about the abortion and sent them to the paper on this topic...Telling women that you are not as good as new...They there are problems that needed to be addressed...The mental problems that follow....But I never had the guts to sign my name to them....I was still ashamed.....But then one day...When I was at a church Womans convention....the topic came up....and when they asked for comments....I found myself standing in frount of the mike...and making a small statement......Well someone else made another comment after that....But once more I had to approach the mike.....ANd I tool the letter that I had written to the paper....and I read it.......I started out this time.....saying...Hello....My name is Singer1960.....and I had an abortion......

That was the first time that I have ever said it out loud to a group....and that was the day that I started to forgive myself....It was not an easy road that I had started on that day....But I had started...and that was what counted.....

My friend told me of a place that someone had made....It was a park...where men and woman that have lived with an abotion...could go...and bury their child in a manner....some used real caskets...others just names a special tree or bush....but it gave them a place to bury the past...and a place tp go when they needed to....A place to think of the past....and the future what will never be.....

I wrote a letter...and named my lost child...I named him Johnny...I asked him to forgive me for what I did....And then I got this feeling of lightness....and I knew that my Johnny had forgiven me...and I needed to start forgiving myself...Four years later...I went to the same womans group convention....and as I was sitting at the table...the toipic had come up....One of the woman there was an abotion counceler...and she was talking about the last convention...Stating that she was sorry that she had missed it...But someone had sent her a tape made...Where a woman talked about her abortion.....and that she used that tape in her counceling sessions....I could not belive waht I was hearing....I was that woman that she was talking about....And I now knew the good that was comming out of what I did...I knew that the pain that I had gone through was not in vain.....That my Johnny was doing great things in the world....My Johnny was making a difference in peoples life....ANd it ewas at that time...that I was truely...and fully able to forgive myself.....

I asked this nurse if she was able...What would she say to her...ANd she told me that she would give the woman a great big hug.....that she was sorry for all of the pain....and that she was loved.....I then rose...and put my arms around the nurse....gave her a hug.....And said...>Thak You.....For I am that woman.....

I can not tell you what to do....I can not tell you that you will always morn...Some just are able to get over it...and go on as nothing had ever happened....I can just tell you what it was like for me....

 

The lost christmas's...for that was when Johnny was to have been born....The lost love....for it took my a long....very long time to feel deserving of the love of a good man....and the love of my daughters.....But now I can...And no matter what....Knowing now what I know now.....I think that I would have not done differently...For if I had.....I would not be the same person that I am today....For I needed Johnny...and this way he will always be my perfect boy.....And I know that being without him...HAs changed the world some what.....To know that there are children out there that are here today because of the courage to tell others about my Johnny....Than what I went through was worth it......

singer1960 singer1960
46-50, F
28 Responses Feb 21, 2009

I discovered a long time ago.....that they name themselves.....One day....in a passing thought about the lost one......during the thought it will not be...It......but Johnny...Jane...Bill...(or what ever it may be)<br />
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Hugs...and prayers with you.....and I am sure that the little Angle is swith you always...Watching....and lovong

Thank you, I am going to give some thought to a name, it may take a bit but I will think about it. Idk when I will be able to name my baby but I will definitely give it a try. I named my twin sister a very long time ago (unfortunately she didnt make it). So maybe I will be able to find a name.

You are a brave and strong woman.

I am glad that you have found the path that leads to peace....I hope that you one day will be able write to your little angle.....and let them know just how much they are loved...<br />
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Please feel free to message me if you ever feel the need

Brat, <br />
Through reading some of the posts that other women have written, I decided to name my baby too. It really helped a lot. It was something that took a while and I had to think long and hard about but it finally just came to me. This was one step that I found extremely helpful. If you want more details about how I chose the name, message me.

My dear Brat...just close your eyes.....open your mind....and you child will be there...The first name that pops intop your head..Will be the childs name....Or maybe...the name that keeps popping into your head is the name of the child...<br />
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I think that the child will tell you it's name..You do not have to know the gender....it will tell you<br />
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But I know that you will heal....all in your own time...and if you ever need to chat..>Well I am here....just message me...and I will be there<br />
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Hugs and a Nana kiss<br />
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Singer1960

I thank you for commenting on my thread that I made, I wish i would be able to name my baby but I cant see myself doing that. If I were to give it a name what would it be? I would want to be able to know the gender. When i had gone to the place to have it done, I saw the sonogram, i don't I will ever get that picture out of my head. I wish I wouldnt have looked I shouldnt have looked but unfortunately I did. I saw my baby right before I ended its short life. I miss my child, im hurt over a rash decision I made. <br />
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I thank you for your story for it was passionate. I hope one day that I will heal from this as you have started to heal from yours. You are correct though some girls are able to just move on, for my sister had one about 2 years ago and she thinks nothing of it. She encouraged me to have mine and unfortunately I am not like her I can't stop remember my baby.

Thank-you x

To all of the Young ladies that come to this story.....Bless you...And the older ones also.....For no matter what your age is.....The loss is still painful....But we can and will get past it....It will always be there....But you will learn to live with it...As I did<br />
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Thank you Johnny....I love you my Dear little one

I want to say thankyou so much for sharing your story, its so good to hear from someone with experience, my mother didn't want much to do with my when I wanted to keep it but at least she was there when I had the abortion,still it was all very hush-hush-not-to-be-spoken-of but the way you are able to be so open and brave now for all of us makes me feel so much less alone and I really do want to say thankyou so so much, reading your experience has really helped.god bless and once again thank you

When you see that your story has helped another in pain....Then you will my Dear....Then you will

This is a really lovely story , and has really given me courage in myself to forgive myself for my own abortion,<br />
I feel the same about not talking to people about and as soon as you do ,you do feel better i have now after writing my experience although it wasnt out loud it has helped me,<br />
and thank you for your kind comment<br />
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im glad you found that some good came from your abortion,<br />
i hope one day i can do that too<br />
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xXxXx

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. <br />
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This was beautiful, and touching..

Thank you my dear....It took some time....and at times it seemed as if it was always there.....But now....I have come to terms with it.....and am moving on.....<br />
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I just want others out there to know...That they are not alone....

i finally got around to reading your story after you commented on mine. very touching. i could imagine abortion being more difficult back in the day (not trying to make you feel old here!) since from what i hear, women were not as open about touchy subjects as they are today. not to mention, abortion had only been legal for 3 years...and it's still controversial today, so i can imagine how much more controversial it was at that time. my abortion would have been much more difficult for me if i did not have friends to talk to or this site to visit. with a decision that difficult, you just gotta somehow put a positive spin on it...and you did just that! it seems that you suffered a lot from it, but you came out alright!

She asked my forgivness after my sister had her second child that my parents help raise......But it was a bit longer before I could truely forgive her.......But I did.....never really told her that I forgave her......But I did......the hard part was forgiving myself....Which took even longer.....but I did that to...<br />
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Let the past be the past.....I know it hurts....But until you forgive her....You will never be able to forgive yourself....Make peace my dear.....and live

I did not talk of it for a very long time either.....And I think that was messed me up so badly.....Then I would watch the news.....and see all that was on about abortion....the riots....fire bombings......Hearing about the film the Scream...the abortion clinics that just tossed the "left overs" into a dumpster.....or the one that kept them in a storage shed behind their office.......No wonder I was so messed up...<br />
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But I do not talk about him very much anymore.....But when I do....It is at a place....and a time.....and with people that need to hear about this topic.....I think that it is important....and you can listen......or walk away....It does not change what I have to say about it.....I have always wanted to give men and women the chance to choose.....But I want them to hear all sides .....Not just medical.....or the other side.....I am for telling them from the side of one who knows....<br />
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I do want to thank all of those that have read this.....and said nothing......and the ones that have read it and made a comment

even as a guy i would feel the same if i knew that my johnny too was gone. i thank you so much for sharing this story. your an inspiration to all who have had or it struggling with this issue!

Thank you for he comment....I do mean it when I say that it does mean a great deal to me what you think.....And now thanks to Marji....My little Johnny has a playmate....And you are right...When I need to....I can look out the window and see my little Johnny playing with his new friend.<br />
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But I have not had to do that much....For I have my Thomas.....For when I see my Thomas....and Landon.... (Grandsons) I can see my Johnny in them....They will never replace Johnny....Nor should they....For they are themselves.......BUt it is fun to see real life.....Especially when it my Daughter that is chasing the boys around.....And Nana gets to Give then ideas....Nothing that will hurt them......But is sure is great pay back for the headaches that she and her sister gave me......hehehehehehehe

Thank you.....Lots of ladies...and one gent has sent me mail...thanking me for what I have had to say on the topic the past few days....It started out as a comment on someone elses story.....Then someone mailed me....and I told a bit more of the story to them.....and after five mails...Well I knew that Johnny had to told in a story....And I know that 50 peeks at it in only one day is not a great deal....But it is when you think that it is placed in this place....It is 50 people that need to hear the story....In fact one woman had just enroled here on EP....and it was the first story that she saw......And she told me that she needed to hear about it....So I guess Johnny always lets me know just when and where to tell of him.....Thank you to all that read this....For sharing my son with me....

Thank you Liberty....(BTW...Love the name)....Keeping it a secret was what messed me up so bad.....But I do not yell it from the roof tops......But when the time is right...I do tell my story......I think that it is better to tell what you know....and let others decide for themselves......Than to try and beat your side into them.

Very very touching.It takes a lot of courage to tell your story.A lot of women hide their abortions, or live in secret or shame.It takes a real woman to confess her situation and admit her REAL feelings.Now others can learn from your experience.(((hugs)))

I see them too.....In fact I wonder if thay are in the tree outside my window....Playing with that little bird.......<br />
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Johnny......Put that slingshot down right now.....Mama told you not to do that.....Sorry Marji.....Got to go....Our two little boys are getting into lots of trouble right now.......hehehehehehe<br />
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Sorry...Could not resist making one of my little jokes......But I have been getting lots of great feed back on the things that I have posted the past few days.....I have made a few new friends.....ANd have helped one or two.....And what better thing to do here......I thank you for making me feel not so alone

Thank you tearaway......That is what I think also....It makes me mad when I try to tell people that there are things that people are not saying......Or I ask questions....and I am told that I m a bleeding heart right winger.....And that it is not anything like I think it is...But I know......I mean how can you tell someone that they do not understand hell....If they have lived it......<br />
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But I am glad that my Johnny and I can tell our story.....and make a difference...FOr each time that I tell the story....Johnny lives on in the world....ANd he makes a difference....

Thank you for sharing this with us. This is what people need to be informed about abortion - real, honest accounts of abortion. Not as a dramatised horrorific scare story. And not as a glamourized simple way out.

That was straight from the heart,i got nothing but respect for you

Thank you for sharing your story. This was obviously a very difficult and tormented thing for you to go through and my heart goes out to you. Its fantastic and shows such courage and strength for you to share your story though and turn a positive out of it.<br />
I thankfully have never been in the position of having a pregnancy 'scare' but if I ever do, I will take and consider your words to heart, and would seek pre (and post if needed) counselling to help make any decisions and be the best informed.

God that was a beautiful story, singer. I'm glad that you had finally started to forgive yourself, and the scenario you had me envision was a glorious scene of triumph over despair (i'm pretty sure I've heard portions of the story from comments and other groups you wrote in, but still), I knew of your story, but it still wells up a lil' emotion when I read of it.<br />
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Heh, a few months ago me and a lady friend had a "scare" moment, and she finally asked me what I would do...after hubalooing and guffawing and stuttering out a half-assed answer and actually trying to answer she got all pissy at me and upset...<br />
...until I stood before and said "I'm not saying or telling you one way or the other what your choice is in this if it were to happen, all I mean to say is I'd be responsible in this, and whatever you would decide, I'll back you as much as I'm able...and then some."<br />
I guess that was what she was looking for, a shoulder, because she hugged me like no other as we talked the rest of the night cuddling and anxious, but not necessarily worried, of the effects of our actions.