Trying to Justify

I'm a 23 year old, single mom of a beautiful 3 year old.  Shortly after my daughter had turned 2, I found myself pregnant.  I really couldn't believe it.  I was excited, scared....all of the emotions.  I was with a man who was excited as well, but because of the situation I felt that having a baby together was a very bad decision on both of our parts.  I told him that I decided that an abortion was best, and he was not supportive; he was very angry and felt like I was cheating him out of something.  I had to come up with the $426 on my own, and at 8 weeks and 6 days I walked into the Planned Parenthood by myself.....and had to do it on my own.  I was nervous, and really hated all the waiting that came with it.  In all I was there about 6 hours.  The worst part of my entire experience is that they didn't offer any sedation, but instead I could have a valium and some tylenol 3.  It did nothing for the pain.  The doctor and nurse in the room with me were both very kind, but as soon as he started to dilate my cervix I cringed in pain.  I closed my eyes and the hot tears fell down my cheeks.  I did my best not to move, b/c I didn't want to mess it up.  Choking through my tears I asked "are you almost done?"  I remember shaking and getting very hot.  He told me he was about done and just like that it was over, it all it took maybe 6 minutes.  They both left the room, I stayed on the table, continuing to sweat and starting to black out.  I called for the nurse I told her I was about to pass out (yes, still laying down), and that I was very hot.  She helped me out of my sweatshirt and gave me a gown.  She also got me a glass of water and an ice pack for my head.  I felt like the biggest ***** being the only one who ended up in the recovery room that day in a gown and having the experience I did.  It didn't help either when they lady that came in after me was almost skipping into the room and announced that she had just aborted twins.  

That was in 2007, now it's 2009 and I'm about to face my biggest fear again.  I had a new boyfriend who I felt wanted the same things as me, we seemed like a good match and got along very well.  In actuality, we didn't and were still in a pretty new relationship.  Then my birth control failed.  Again, I was excited and nervous and didn't want to tell him that I was pregnant.  I wanted the baby.  I finally told him after taking 3 days to find the courage, he was not at all happy.  We tried to discuss our options about having the baby but all it did was tear us farther apart.  I finally agreed that I didn't want to become a single mother of 2 children and said I would have the abortion.  I sit here today still pregnant, anticipating my abortion that is this following tuesday.  I will be 7 weeks and 3 days when I have my second abortion, and I am a million times more scared then the first time.  I don't want the same experience, I don't want to pass out laying down again.  I'm scared.  When I called and set up my appointment they told me that they now offer iv sedation but you have to be at least 8 weeks.  I explained what happened last time and they graciously made an exception for me.  I was completely beside myself when they said that b/c I knew that it wouldn't be like the first time.  As each day passes I get more and more nervous.  But I am strong, and hopefully this time will be better and this will be the last time I have to go through this.  

Typical34 Typical34
22-25
Feb 22, 2009