Did I Not Try?

I have been with my boyfriend for the past about 9-9.5 months. We are absolutly perfect together and i plan on spending the rest of my life with him. Well i have very serious hip problems and i had surgery planned. I went in for surgery was all prepped in ready when my doctor had came in and told me we would have rne reschdule because i was pregnant. I didnt know what to think. I cried the whole way home and called my boyfriend the minute i got home and had him come out to my house so i could tell him. My parents told me they were going to support our decision no matter what. Me and my boyfriend talked and there was no way we could be parents right this minute. Neither of us had jobs. Were going to school we didnt know how to do it. I didnt feel like raising my child in my parents basement was the right thing to do it wasnt fair to my parents. So we decided abortion. Well we went to the clinic and they had told me that i was about 22 weeks along (which was a COMPLETE shock to since i had my normal period every month, no change in my body or anything just gaining a little bit of weight within those 2 weeks.) they said that id have to go to a different doctor to get a procedure done that far along and that it was going to be $3,000. When me and my boyfriend got into the car i bawled my eyes out. I didnt know where to get that amount on money so we figured maybe adoption was the best choice. That night we had sat there just quiet and wondering. The more i thought about it the more i knew...after careing that baby for 9 months i KNOW i would not be able to give it up. i would be to attached. My parents talked with us and said they would pay for the procedure. They didnt want me to do adoption because they dont have grandchildren yet they dont want to know that there is a grandchild of theres somewhere out there and they have no connection with them. So we decided we'd have to do abortion i am only 18 years old there is NO WAY i could be a mommy right now i  just...couldnt. We had schduled the abortion for the following thursday so we still had about a week to go. During that week my belly had kept growing getting bigger and bigger. That baby was kicking more and more. I cried every night to my boyfriend because i didnt wanna give the baby up i wanted him. After i felt that kicking that was something me and my boyfriend had made together. I didnt want to give that up. The more i thought about it though over those few months i had numorous MRI's so the radiation couldnt have done ANYTHING good. I had steriod injections into my hip there was no way that baby would be able to come out without some sort of problem. The first few days after the procedure all i could think about was the physical pain of the procedure. Now that its getting to be a few weeks later all i can think about is why did i do that. The one thing i thought i could never fail at was being a mother...and i did. I gave up a gift from god. I feel guilty and like a horrible person for doing that. I look at all these girls i graduated with and they are all either pregnant or have had a baby recently and all i can think of is that could have been me. Why did i give it up. I had the chance to have someone there that would love me no matter what. Someone close to me that i made. Something so precious in life...and i let it all go. But then again i mean could you bring a baby into this world 100% knowing that it would have disabilities? I dont know if i could have put him through that (oh yeah my last ultra sound we found out it was a baby boy, we figured he would have been a jesse) Now i do not go on one day without thinking what my life would be like if i would have kept him. Would i be happy? Would i still go to school? a million questions run in my head. But i guess at the same time i could see it as...if hes meant to be mine...god will give him back to me....one day...am i right?! =/ i hope so. I have an appointment schduled to go get a tattoo here in the next 2 weeks. its angel wings with a heart with his birth stone color filling the heart. If i knew he would be 100% healthy with no problems i would have never givin him up.

am i wrong for doing that? or thinking that? please...somebody.

Lovinhim1426 Lovinhim1426
18-21, F
2 Responses Feb 28, 2009

Here is a site you can visit.<br />
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You had to do what you had to do.<br />
Some time it is not what other thing. <br />
It is how you feel.<br />
If he had promblem you would of blam your self for doing this.<br />
You had to do what you thought was best.<br />
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hugs to you .<br />
I know I give my child to family that could not have childern and I thought I was doing good.<br />
But they hit my child all the time.<br />
But I thought I was doing the right time at the time.<br />
<br />
I feel don't feel guilty you had to do what was right.<br />
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