I Don't Know What to Say...

I am 26, I have two beautiful girls (at a considerably young age) and currently at the end of a divorce that had a 2-year separation prior, I still love him very much. But during the separation I started dating a really down-to-earth nice guy who managed to fit right in my husband's place with ease. My ex found someone as well.

It was nice to have someone to go to sleep with and wake-up to again. But after a couple of months I found out I was pregnant, at first I was so excited. I had been wanting another child with my husband, so this seemed like the next best thing. But as the first month of my pregnancy went on I started to dream about my husband, I missed him so much (even before the pregnancy) and it only got worse. I then began to see my boyfriend for what he really was, not a  bad guy but an insecure guy. I didn't want to be with someone that souly relied on me for happiness. I became afraid that I would eventually end up alone with three children. I couldn't even think how it would work logistically. So I started to consider not carring this child. but as the days wore on the thought of not carring this child ate away at me and I again changed my mind.

Another two months went by and I still could not find peace in the fact that I may be worse off than I was to begin with. My boyfriend was in la-la land, I don't think he was capable of realizing how huge this was for me. So at last I made up my mind not to carry this child.

I eventually broke-up with him just last week, just days before the procedure, simply due to the fact that he didn't even discuss any of it with me. There was an elephant in our room and I seemed to be the only one who saw it. I went on friday to the clinic, I needed a two day procedure (because I waited so long) and returned on Saturday for the actual extraction. I was fortunate to have my best friend wait and pray her rosary for me while I went through this. I have to say the worst part of it all was being told by the doctor a minute before being put out how I was irresponsible for waiting so long and the other doctor asking if I wanted to end up like octo-mom. It made the whole awful experience worse for me, as though it wasn't bad enough to have that injection to stop the heart and going into a room that had the jar in clear view.

and now hear I am a mess, unable to eat or sleep, unsure of how I'll keep it together for my girls. I don't know how I'm going to forgive myself and forget the experience...

mredd mredd
26-30, F
6 Responses Mar 2, 2009

I just wanted to say that you aren't alone, and someone is thinking about you hugs

I just wanted to say that you aren't alone, and someone is thinking about you hugs

I had trouble carrying my babies to term. I lost 9 before I <br />
had a live birth<br />
<br />
The nearest I think i can get to your situation was when my baby died at 16weeks and they had to take him so i wouldn't get sick.....I didn't want to let him go....I grieved for a very long time

Lunar....you are a wise kitty.....Do as the kitty says.....Find a group...they will help you get through it.....You have your daughters to think of....You have to hold it together for them...My prayers are with you

Having never been in your situation, I can really not know how you feel, but I do know that you are hurting and grieving. You made the right decision based on your reality. That didn't make it easy. As a mother already, you knew what what was coming and what was best. As Blue said above, Let your self grieve, but don't get into a downward spiral. Definitely go to an Abortion Group. You have to be strong for your girls, and you may not be able to do this w/o some help. Those drs were jerks to say that to you during the procedure! I would report them to the clinic. Waiting so late was irresponsible up to a point, but he didn't know your whole situation. To me your irresponsibility was in not taking precautions before (pill, diaphgram, condom). Remember that in the future, please. Having a boyfriend helped you forget some reality, but sounds like you still care for your ex. So, be more aware next time when you hook up. It's hard after being married a long time to remember priorities when you are single again. Please allow yourself enough time to get your haed straight and your life in better order before dating again. PLEASE get some advice and counseling soon. You have to start laying out your new life as soon as possible.

[[HUGE HUGS TO YOU]] YOU need to be good to you.....and not listen to what others say. <br />
You are in a grieving period - you need to grieve. Cry as long and as hard as you want - this is a horrible time for you. This is such a hard decision for any woman to make - PLEASE don't beat yourself up over it!! You need to take all the time you need to recover from this. <br />
<br />
Eventually - it will get better. Realize - this is a HUGE trauma for you. BE kind to yourself - as you would a friend at this time. <br />
<br />
I highly suggest finding an abortion support group - they DO NOT judge. These women are kind., and caring.<br />
<br />
If you still feel blue- PLEASE talk to a medical professional - for your daughter's sake.