31 days ago I had my 3rd abortion. Within these 31 days I have barely allowed myself to cope with my feelings because I had so much at stake and couldn't afford to be depressed. My choice was not made easily however I realized it was not a mistake unfortunately.
I have one child already. A 6 year old boy who when was diagnosed with Autism his father abandoned me for 2 years. His father did not look for him for 2 years nor did he provide any kind of assistance financially. I had to leave my job when my son was diagnosed and I spent 4 years of my life struggling to raise my son, alone. Alone on welfare and crying behind locked bathroom doors. However, I managed to get my son off of the Autism spectrum and regain our life back. It was an experience I wish on no one. It was impossibly made possible by blessings. With that being said raising a child on my own again.... Is something I would never ever ever in my life risk. If I have another child, it MUST be forever. I am not strong enough to go through that again. I did it once, I barely survived and I did and so did my son.
1 year ago I met my now ex boyfriend. Things went amazing and within months we moved in together. He insisted on the move and I insisted that he was fully aware that if he did not see a future with me that he should not insist on such a step. He insisted he was ready. I made very clear my wants of marriage and kids. Within months we made an agreement together to stop my birth control due to finances and insurance drops. I then became pregnant. He was excited. He insisted marriage down the road at a more affordable time. I simply did not want to get a marriage while pregnant, I wanted something small after the baby. His mother insisted domestic partnership. Without reading any details on the partnership he signed the forms just for his mother and to put me on his insurance. I began to feel like he was just doing these things for everyone else and not out of love. I began to question his want of complete commitment. We began arguing for weeks without coming home.
I then made the harsh decision without including him to abort the baby. I was 12 weeks. I heard my baby's heart beat, I seen my baby moving, I seen my baby wave at me, I felt my baby moving. All my friends and family knew. Everything I wanted and was excited for 12 weeks, I ruined in a matter of laying down on a table for maybe 10 minutes. How can such a huge part of someone be killed so quickly? I KNOW what I did was terrible, I am not in denial of that but I had to do what was right for ME. For me not to risk being a single parent with a 2nd childs father again. I worked so hard to get from the nothing I was at, to running my own store. Regardless of how wrong my decision was my heart still aches at trying to grasp how something so amazing just disappears so quickly. I can close my eyes and still picture shutting my eyes and falling asleep then waking up 10 minutes later....empty. I haven't allowed myself to deal with it because after that son's father threatened to take my child away from me because of "my mental health." I had no time to be depressed, I had to get my life together and that's exactly what I did. Not because I'm a terrible person that doesn't have any feelings towards what she did but because my son is more important.
Before the abortion my boyfriend spent all his time trying to convince me that we were what he wanted for life and would never leave me. By the time I came home from the abortion and told him what I did..... I came home to his work clothes gone, his documents gone and a disgusting note from his mother towards my actions, which I deserved. He picked up all his things 4 days later and hasn't spoken to me since. Now, I know what I did was terrible but till death do us 'part includes forgiving people through the ugly also. With that being said he made it impossible for me to feel regret towards what I did because all he did was prove to me that he would have eventually left me anyway. Like I knew. Like I made my actions based on.
inmysoul0505 inmysoul0505
31-35, F
3 Responses Aug 21, 2014

pde q pong mlaman kung saan po kau ng paabored plss .. help me kc yung gf q nadelayed n ng 1month and 2weeks were not ready pra s obligayon bka pde nyo kmeng mtulungan slamt po plss i nid ur help .. tnx

what would you like me to do? i am here for you

hello, we are not made to control our own lives, we think this way is right but it leads us to much pain and sorrow, but the good news is we can turn over our lives to Jesus , god gave us a savior, he is able to do abundantly for you,set you free, solve your problems, heal your hurts, and make you happy, receive him and accept his gift of love and forgiveness.

You did not deserve an ugly note from his mother for your actions. How classless of both of them! It is not terrible that you made a decision for yourself and you believed it to be the best. It is not right to bring a child into a forced/loveless relationship. Sweetie, you are not an awful human being, you are strong, smart and wonderful. I hope this helps.

Thank You, that truly did help. I've listened to my supportive friends and family help me through it and tell me over and over. But, most of your friends will usually tell you comforting things even when your wrong. However, hearing it from someone else.... meant so much more. Thank You.

You are more than welcome. :)