ever since ive had my abortion it has changed me for the worst. im not the same person as i use to be. my day to day life has different patterns of mood swings. ive gone from a happy bubbly person to a person that is dark inside. i have no one to talk to about it cos people have worse situations than me. i find it hard to express my emotions cos i hate people knowning that im upset, i like to be strong.

one minute im up the next im down, this rollercoaster is the worst experience of my life, sometimes i feel like whats the point in being here anymore, will people actually realise im gone?! im just not happy anymore and it frightens me, ive lost who i was!
will i ever be able to get through and pass this depression....it really has took to me badly and i think why..i 96% feel guilty about what i done, it was a rushed decision i made. i killed a life inside of me, its the worst feeling of my life and i have to live with it for the rest of my life. i need the strength and support to guide my through this. i go along my life and smile but it doesnt work cos im always depressed and when i mention it, it just go in and out peoples ears. i keep everything locked in me, i need it out of me...its breaking me down inside, at the moment i have nothing worth living for. my life has changed rapidly and i hate not being myself, everyone will see a change in me. i cry at work cos im so depressed and i cant take this much more.

theres alot that i can give, i just need that person to listen to me, i cry and say nothing is a matter, im just to weak to let my emotions out!

i have no words left in me to release any thoughts out. i need help to get back to my normal self. i have good days and extremely bad days, just like today. sometimes i smile and think people wont understand or notice me. people that know me well enough see through my smile.

everything is a mess and i have that one regret, i try not to cry all the time but its hard as i regret it loads.
i need to get my life sorted out here like...im sick of being depressed all the time. i need to get my head out of my arse and wake up to reality!!!

i go out to numb the pain inside me, i get so drunk where i forget half the things that happen, i still wake up feeling the same, but them hours when im not it is the best feeling cos all my worries have gone for the night, sufferring in the morning is like a knife to my heart this isnt a cry for attention, this is an actual cry for someone to listen to me, i always need pals for a ear and shoulder, but when i do there is no one around. i have gone past involving my family because they just dont wanna know, they think im horrific the way i go on and that im just doing it, but what they didnt know is that im actually doing it for a reason. I'm not comfortable in my own home anymore, i need out, i need to find a place where im guno find myself again, find the becca that everyone once loved and thought of highly, i have built my own grave far too early, i need to confess...will that be my answer...?

the world gets smaller everyday i live in it, is this because ive made alot of bad decisions. an open world would have plenty of options and you can see the light and see yourself for what you truely are. what i truely am is an ugly person, my attitude in life has slipped and its made me realise that life is too short!
today has been a good day for me, since getting alot of my chest it was lifted a little of weight, the weight is still there and it will always be.

i need to find a happy place or something that will equal myself out and keep me from buckling again again, my grief has been upsetting emotions, it has been a different type of depressing emotions, where i hit the bottle and go out of control where i like where i am under the influence, it takes me to a happy place where i like to be surrounded with friends and strangers because they dont know you, so you can act like a different person.
Somedays I feel nothing but guilt. This is an ongoing procedure that won't end. I have not got over what I have done. Sometimes I feel like I rushed into this answer but the time was limited!!

my anger issues are becoming more frequant, i think it may be with work and i dont feel like im happy anymore. yet again another episode of a day in a life of becca, listening to london grammar to get my through these depressing stages. im so pissed off tonight, itl be how tired i am and how much i just miss people. i feel lonely all the time. i cant cope with these thoughts anymore.....
I feel like I'm sitting in a corner that's going around and around this pain will never leave me and I know I will never be happy

I just wanna go to a place where no one knows who I am or what demons I have. I need to be set free, free from all demons, free from what is carrying me down every single step of my life.
Accepting my body has become a bad soul. I just wanna curl up and let it all go, let go of all evil. I know exactly what I am doing, but why can't I stop. I need to break!
rebecca1624 rebecca1624
22-25, F
3 Responses Aug 22, 2014

rebecca , you are sad because your decision has hurt your life, but i have good news for you, dont despair, Jesus your friend, when he died on the cross, he was thinking about you, he bore all your sorrows and all your wrong decisions, and he buried it, all you have to do is accept that it was for you, and he will come and take away all your pains no one can do that for you, not a psychologist, or positive thinking, some things sink deep, only our savior can reach, his blood removes every stain, even that, believe in him he believes in you, and it was love that made him do that.

I can only imagine what you are going through one thing though is you have identified the things in your life that need changing and you do want to be happy and live a life like everyone else. I have had my own experiences in life and discovered that in order for society to accept you the first step is you learning to accept yourself. It's not gonna be easy but if you work on it life will fall in place the way you like. I found joining a gym and using exercise to release my pain and when you see a change you so does the confidence build. It's nice to meet people but don't be telling everyone about your situation cause sometimes people may like you but are somehow unable to support you because they don't know how so they run. It's possible for you to be happy.

I know a support group (A REAL support group.) They ONLY do abortion support and are not religiously affiliated. I went there and sent someone else there. PM me if you want to know more. They are online and heavily modded for the sake of the users.