Planned Parenthood of Al (part 2)

If you too have had an abortion and you read my story, tell me: Is it normal to have these horrible feelings of guilt and almost an obsession over the baby that will never be? My boyfriend tells me there was no reason for me to make it worse than it already was, but I was already a little insane before getting pregnant, and that only made me even more emotional and irrational I guess...


02 March, 2009 2:32pm Monday

We just got back from Planned Parenthood (Birmingham, AL). Well, I did, anyway. Trey had to go to an appointment for his disability attempt, get a physical, sit in another doctor's office. I'm here alone and don't even know what to think.

Even last night and on the way to the appointment this morning, I just didn't want to do it. I knew it had to happen, I'd weighed out all consequences of whatever choice I made. While I was driving and crying, I realized that there was nothing I could do to make Trey care or want this child. I know that he loves his kids and makes sure they're provided for, but I didn't feel that he would be able to care about dealing with another pregnancy, birth, and baby the same way he did with Amber and the kids he already has.

In some weird way I was jealous that he'd had his first kid with another chick, and I just felt like he probably cared more with her but now it was a "been there, done that", jaded, kind of thing. While for me, it would be so important, the most important thing in my entire 20 years. I just didn't feel like he would ever feel the same way, and besides that, he's living off me and it's next to impossible to find a job right now, AND my parents are trying to sell this house out from under us, even harder now than ever. How would we ever be able to afford a child?

On the other hand, abortion is such a hard decision. It's not the baby's fault we were irresponsible and stupid. I mean, as Trey kept reminding me and I had to keep reminding myself, it wasn't even a "baby" yet, not even technically a "fetus", but it was potential, it was life. It could have been my little girl, my Gwendolyn Mars Coffia, or my little boy, my Trent or Alexander. I felt like Trey didn't see it that way, like he was looking at it in a much more distant way, but that's just his way and I know he must've cared at least a little.

At least enough that he agreed I shouldn't get the surgical abortion. Like something out of a horror movie: imagine being trapped in a little cocoon when suddenly an instrument smashes through and crushes up your body so it'll fit through a vacuum tube. I could NEVER do that. I keep trying to think of it as, the pill just forces you to have your period. In a way that's true, but it blocks a chemical vital to the pregnancy. That's what kills it...

I loved you, my little Gwen or Trent. I didn't want to do this. I wanted to keep you, but this is not an environment you would want to be brought into right now. I promise I'll never do this to you again. I promise next time, it will be the right time. I feel so horrible and guilty for having to do this, just know that mommy wanted you. I will never forget you...

No matter how you cut it, how you try to sugar-coat or not think about it, even as I sit here, this life (no matter how tiny it was), is dying inside me.

Slowly being deprived of what it needs to survive, to come out in bloody shreds. What could have been my little baby, reduced to bloody clumps in the toilet and in my panties.


About the appointment:

I was 7.5 weeks along. The 2nd visit was just as horrible and frustrating as the first, as I said before, I would never go back to Planned Parenthood, (though I hope and pray I smart enough not to ever HAVE to go back. I'm assuming they talk to you about birth control at the follow-up visit). We got there at 8:40 and didn't leave till 12. I was only actually seeing the doctor for maybe an hour of that time, the rest of it was just waiting.

When we got there, they made a huge deal about not being allowed to bring your purse or phone back, you have to leave it in the car. I guess it's something to do with protestors, security reasons... some bullshit. First they took my temperature and blood pressure, then I sat in front of some horribly asinine morning TV show with everyone else.

At first the room was quiet, but we all ended up talking about our situations and experiences in that horrible place. We all agreed the nurses were terribly unprofessional and the place sucked in general. It was funny cause the nurse ended up hearing us all going on about the place and came in and sat with us, saying "Quit telling stories". She said that they only had enough funding for one doctor and he was only there on Mondays and Fridays, that if they had anymore the price of our procedures would go up. ****, at least we'd know we weren't dealing with an over-worked, under-paid, tired doctor who rushes through everything.

Most of the women there already had more than one kid or none. The oldest one there seemed to be an outspoken blond that said she was almost 30 (but she looked maybe 20). They all seemed sure about what they were doing. There was only one other chick like me, who seemed very nervous about the whole thing and sat quietly most of the time. The rest had made up their minds. I don't think I could've ever been sure. I still wish I didn't have to do it.

When I went in for the ultrasound, the room was freezing cold. The entire building was, actually. Apparently they don't have the funding for heat, either. A nurse told me to undress from the waist down and cover myelf with the paper sheet and left the room. I was like, "Oh, great".. I didn't think I'd have to anything vaginal done, but she said they were gonna do a "vaginal scan", an internal ultrasound.

When she came back she had the male doctor with her. Great, even better. He wasn't too creepy, but it's still pretty weird. The entire process probably took 3 or 4mins, max. He came in, obviously rushing as quickly as possible, turned out the lights, gelled the wand up, stuck it up in me without much ado other than ("There's going to be a slight pressure"), and said, "Sorry I have to push so hard", as he shoved it up farther. Yes, it was quite pleasent.

I asked to take a quick glance at the ultrasound but he wouldn't let me, said it wouldn't be fair to the others who were waiting and that I could look at it later. Right, I paid almost $500 for this? I think that's not fair to me.

About 1hr 1/2 or more later I finally get the pill that ends all indecision about the procedure. I had even asked beforehand if I changed my mind, if I'd get any kind of refund. The girls seemed to think that was kind of funny, that I still hadn't quite decided and I was about to get the abortion. Call me sentimental and emotional, but I kind of wanted to keep mine...

Anyway, the doc obviously has to give this same speech a thousand times a day. Not letting me interrupt for questions, he goes over the pill info, how to take them, what to expect, etc. He gives me a script for Tylenol 3 w/ codeine for pain and antibiotics. He lets me see the ultrasound, barely a dot but if I was 7.5 weeks like he said, there was more detail to the embryo than could be seen in the ultrasound and that makes me want to die. Still rushing, he asks if I'm sure of my decision, there's no turning back after this as it will "spoil the pregnancy". I don't even let him finish the question, "Yes", and I take the pill, trying not to think too much about it.

Now it's over. It's gone. It's done. No more jokes about being pregnant, no more ordering Trey around since "he did this to me".. hahah. It's all over. My boobs will probably deflate and go back to normal size, though right now they're still sensitive. They said you lose all symptoms of pregnancy after 48 hours of taking the pill. No more nauseau, at least, I guess that's something to look forward to or some ****... It's weird, all the girls in there said they had been puking and some of them weren't even as far along as I was, but I never actually puked, just felt sick.

But it doesn't matter now. I wonder what the chances of ******* up future pregnancies is with abortion? They say there isn't much if any risk, but on the pill bottle it says "Not for women of childbearing potential". WTF does that mean?

Oh, speaking of the bottles, when I went to the nurses' office to get them the doc literally tossed my file at her and ran off. A TV was on next to her and she sat there staring at it with her mouth wide open for a moment before even acknowledging me. They keep the ultrasound picture turned over in the file so you can't see it. She actually took it out and folded it over too. Maybe I'm a masochistic freak, but I kind of wanted to keep that little memory. I'm sure they wouldn't have let me though since they clearly didn't want me to see it more than absolutely necessary.

After she gave me my pills, info, and prescription, she told me to go to the front desk on my way out. I tried talking to them in the window still inside the door, not out in the waiting room, but she indicated to come out there. I was still holding the pill bottles, they threw a bag at me then, once I was in the waiting room in front of everyone. I mean, it's not like people don't know why they're there to begin with but ****. So unprofessional.

She asked if I had medicaid or insurance of any kind and when I said I didn't, she gave me $20 back to fill my prescriptions. The one considerate thing that happened. She told me to make sure I kept my follow-up appointment, complemented my hair, and I left, still so confused and sad.


03 March 7:42pm

I've never had a trip to the bathroom be so traumatizing. I hate myself for doing this; I try to keep telling myself it had to be done. I took the four main pills today, the ones that are making me expel all "pregnancy material" from my body.

I didn't get cramps much at all until about 30mins ago when they got really bad all of a sudden. I ran to the bathroom and... it was awful. Painful for a minute, but that wasn't the bad part. I should never have looked in that toilet.

It was flesh-colored.

They don't prepare you for that in all their ojective, cold, clinical procedure explanations.

Luckily I couldn't see it that well because it was in the bottom of a cloud of hazy reddish water but I could definitely tell what it was. It was about the size of an egg, maybe a little bigger. Flesh-colored. I flushed a little baby down the toilet, and not on accident. It was all on purpose.

I'm a monster. I paid $500 to flush a little potential life down the toilet. I hate myself so much for this. I should have just been responsible. I guess I should be relieved that I don't have to deal with a child the rest of my life, but this is a memory that will always stick with me. Guilt that I don't think will ever completely go away.

I'm so sorry, baby....

uninhibited666 uninhibited666
18-21, F
2 Responses Mar 3, 2009

Not to be off subject, but you should be a writer. Being a woman who has been through your situation, for a second you convinced me you were my best friend, who is childless and has those feelings of regret because she wanted to keep it also. I thought your story was similar to mine, which it was VERY similar, but you told that story in a way that I haven't seen before, You completely animated it without one picture. Touche', my friend. This should be published for the informative pamphlets you get there at Planned Parenthood. ;) Good luck in the future, dont beat yourself up. You should know you are capable of making a right decision.

How traumatizing. I am so sorry :(