Or at least, I am having a medical one on Friday.

According to my Period Tracker, as of today, I am 22 days late. I've had three confirmed positive tests.

I'm twenty-five and married, no children. Today was my first day at a brand new job that could turn into a great career. I can't afford to stay at home with a baby, and I believe if you have a child, it's your responsibility to take care of, not a relative's or a day care's.

My main reason for having an abortion? My husband's response to my telling him about the baby.
"I knew it. You f***ing got pregnant. Well... I really don't know what to say. It's up to you, so... Figure it out. Let me know."

YOU got pregnant. As if it had nothing to do with him. Just last night I said something about "us," (referring to him and myself) and he throws out oh-so-casually, "So are you keeping it or what?" His tone was so removed, like he couldn't actually care less, he just asked on a lark. And he seems to think the medical abortion is a quick nip-it-in-the-bud solution. Anytime I bring up being pregnant, a baby, my appointment, he changes the subject. If I force it, he gets upset and says more horrible things.

It breaks my heart because we didn't use to be this way. A year ago, we were so happy, so in love. But because of one stupid decision of mine, where he wanted to do something stupid and I should have been responsible, instead I was stupid too. And now there's no going back and changing it, the reality is what it is and now I'm just trying to find our way out the other side.

He's an anxious person, so I'm sure he would have been a stress ball about it. But even with how much he's changed, I honest-to-God thought he would pull me close and we'd comfort each other. That he'd know how hard this was so he'd be a little extra sweet. That he might even come to the appt with me.

The utter lack of any of that.... The serious state of denial, of not wanting to "deal with it" so he simply doesn't.. It staggered me. It shattered me. How could this man, who promised a justice of the peace on our wedding day that he'd never make me cry, devastate me so, and not even care?

I haven't told anyone else about it. The only people whose opinions I know for sure are pro lifers. That and, it would make it their loss too, and this one belongs to me. I'm the one with the broken heart. And then it occurs to me; the smallest thing has the power to influence life. We are the products of our parents, good or bad. What chance does a child have, born to an indifferent father and a heartbroken mother? Being carried under a broken heart for nine months has got to shape you somehow, and I can't imagine it being for the good.

So there we go. By this time Friday, I'll be home, (I have to drive to another state to get this done.) My husband will come home wondering what my problem is because honestly by then he will have forgotten I had an appt. I'll get asked later, "So.... Whats going on with that?" And once assured that everything is "taken care of," he'll mark off a little mental checkmark and be on his merry little way.

I read something that said children choose their parents. That no matter when a child is born, it will be the same child. It suggested that you talk to your baby, mentally, physically, spiritually, and you tell it why you're doing what you're doing. That its not a good time, that its father and I are constantly bickering which could escalate to full on screaming at each other every night. I just can't raise a child like that, I can't. And hopefully, I will be blessed enough one day to be given another chance, one where I can bring my child into a home and a world full of love.

"May I be forgiven for what I must do."
BlackRainbows BlackRainbows
26-30, F
4 Responses Sep 2, 2014

Run. Run far away.
I have been where you are! My first- now EX-HUSBAND- was exactly the same way and told me that if I ever got pregnant he would make me get an abortion. You are with someone who is unworthy.
I have had 4 children. The first I placed for adoption when I was 19. The second was still born. I am raising my youngest 2 with my much better second husband.
You are in a storm right now. This is YOUR baby as much as his. Please don't let this man who doesn't care about his child make you feel forced to make a very regrettable decision. Please take time to think this out. Please find something worthy about yourself and stand up. There are so many places willing to help women AND their children in such circumstances.
If you weren't pregnant, considering the information you have given, there would be another issue for your husband to belittle your existence. He will lord this decision over your head. I know the type. I'm telling you from personal experience- you'd be better off choosing a child that you will have in your arms than to continue a relationship with someone who obviously enjoys tormenting you.
I placed my daughter for adoption when I was 19. I have never regretted giving birth to her. My life was not destroyed because of her. It was infinitely enhanced. Her father, gone. I would have regretted the rest of my life having killed my child for someone who wasn't going to be there in the long run anyway. When I was 20 weeks pregnant, there was so much pressure on me to abort and I honestly wanted every one in my life to just "like me" again. I soldiered through. I considered that I was my daughter's only advocate. A decision that has made me immensely stronger and that I have never regretted. Please just think this one through. Reach out to your prolife friends. Reach out to your family. Reach out to a woman's home or pregnancy center. There are so many people who would be willing to help you not only carry your baby to term, but keep your baby, and possibly even leave an abusive relationship.

I am so right there with you. I begged my boyfriend for support, literally just begged for him to be there for me and to just try to understand and he NEVER got it and he never will get it. he thought the whole process was "go get it fixed" and then it was "fixed" and life would be great again. obviously no such luck, I don't feel like my life will ever be fixed...how do we get the one person we want to care, to care? I guess we can't really. the right person would never make us feel like this. In one really bad point I told him "I can't imagine being in this situation with anyone worse" and though I do love him and I do want is to work, I stand by that. it just SUCKS

My husband acted the same way. His reason being " its not really a baby yet" the day of he was sticky sweet. A year later we are in a better place so I brought up trying for a baby. He says no. Im going to be honest with you hun your never going to forget. But you have to forgive yourself.

Your husband sounds so...unemotional, mean, childish...You married him for a reason. But maybe you should consider leaving him.. Just a thought.

I think its a good idea to have an abortion, even if it is sad. No doubt ur husband would be a bad father right now. And you need to focus on your new career.

Maybe you can have a little memorial or something to help you cope with it. You'll be a great mother one day, just not now.